


of might and waajesty

by DarlingBaphomet



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-11-03 15:59:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 63,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17880815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingBaphomet/pseuds/DarlingBaphomet
Summary: Waluigi was alone.





	1. flight and fantasy

**PART 1: The Waanos Principle**

* * *

 

waluigi was lonely and had been lonely for quite a long time. as the champion of waa, the ancient tradition that granted him his unseemly powers of social justice and fascist oppression, the only person that could tolerate him was his filthy capitalist brother wario, a man so vile that even waluigi turned his head aside when made to be in such a position that keeping his head positioned forward would require gazing upon him. unfortunately, even wario had abandoned him, as the recent economic crisis in the mushroom kingdom inspired his filthy hands towards their vile work, the exploitation of the oppressed worker class toads that were starving in poverty and could be conned into predatory high interest loans disguised as a temporary lifeguard from deep economic depression.

wario, however, being genetically related to wario and thus inexplicably inheriting an ounce of the compassion that permeated waluigi's soul, decided that it would be no good for his reputation to leave his brother filthy and poor, and so he left him a single chocobo farm, in the middle of the bigly boo forest, located a few metric fuckyards from the mushroom kingdom and a contested territory often disputed between the bowser collective and the mushroom kingdom. and so waluigi became keeper of the chocobos. no longer was he engaged in beleaguring and annoying the mario brothers. now he was a mere farmhand, tending to his flock. and as much as he loved his sweet precious chocobos, this was no place for waa. but it was his responsibility, and his beautiful precious chocobos would starve without their daily allotted wood. and so waluigi toiled, and slaved

it was a day like any other when waluigi departed on the first of waatober. the forest near his farm had been depleted, and the saplings he had liberally planted had not yet grown to acceptable height, and so he needed to travel far for the daily allotment of chocobo eating wood. chocobos were a special kind of creature and would only eat the finest punched wood, blocked and in stacks of 64. waluigi wasn't sure why wario couldn't have simply given him chickens, or goats, or anything that did not require him to punch copious amounts of woods to sustain them. but alas. waluigi, the wood puncher, punched wood.

he punched wood with great dignity. this tall, skinny spaghetti-spined man was adept at punching woods. years of broken bones from wood-on-fist collision had made his hands into finely knuckled instruments of wood destruction. waluigi had evolved his fists to such an extent that he was capable of harvesting blocks of woods in only two, sometimes three punches! his entire day was spent punching trees, destroying these great emblems of gaia's life-giving potential for the sake of his wood-eating chocobos. waluigi had developed the ability to dissociate entirely from his reality, and punching wood became a sort of meditation to him, where he could eke out the hard realities and justices of the world in his mind, returning to reality only when thirst overpowered his consciousness and required him to pause the artful punching of trees for a sip of that sweet sweet gatorade, the mother's milk of the mushroom kingdom. waluigi fucking loved gatorade. it was gatorade that empowered him to punch wood with such vigor. some might call it manly vigor, but not waa, for waluigi wasn't on very good terms with masculinity and honestly preferred to think of himself as a nonbinary superentity, although he still used he/him pronouns because it was more convenient to refer to him as such narratively. some wondered why waluigi, a nonbinary superentity, would refer to himself with gendered pronouns, and his response was always the same - waa. waluigi was not so much a man so much as he performed maleness when he so desired.

waluigi had much time for thoughts of this, because waluigi's existence was alone. empty. he had only himself and the comfort of his mind, and as much as his meditative punching wood helped him distract from the sheer pointlessness of his existence, it sucked. it was the big suck. the very bad. the majorly opposite of good.

and so, on this day, waluigi found himself staring into a precipice. an abyss, even. he stood on the edge of the infinite, a hole vast and endless, one that many mario clones had no doubt found themselves expired in. and he thought. he could be free from all this, could he not? the chocobos would miss him, sure, but after a day or two, they would eat the walls of their enclosure and be free, and the forest would be theirs to consume. they would be free. the sun was setting. if he did not return home soon, various unmentionables would begin to appear out of fuck nowhere to harass him, and his wood punching fists would be bloodied with the unblood of the undead.

but what if he didn't return home?

what if

we just...


	2. flight, no fantasy

and so he leapt  
with the courage of spaghetti and the legs of string cheese, he flew  
across the chasm, momentum carried him  
his pockets were heavy with wood  
stacked sixty four times, sixty four times  
they weighed him down  
but not as much as his own soul

waluigi closed his eyes and waited for infinity to enrapture him in its endlessness, and as his eyelids shut in what would be his final moment, a voice whispered into his ear  
"hey kid"  
"ever used peanut butter as lube?"  
"let me tell you something"  
"it's a chunky time"  
"i'm chunky kong"

and then it came.  
the deep sleep  
the endless nothingness


	3. hell's a fine place to call home

when waluigi awoke, he did so in a realm that one would call hell, but would be fairly inaccurate in doing so - this was not hell, not as it was preached by those bent on instilling religious trauma on the young. this was the after-realm, the great beyond, and more specifically, it was hell. a land co-opted by those christian and of similar faiths. where most would move on to their own palaces of after-reality, those bound by gospel found themselves bound here, destined to create the hell they believed they deserved. and it was here that they bound the great liberator, mother of rebellion, beast divine; lucifer

waluigi's nostrils were immediately assaulted by the smell of sulfur - not that it was naturally occuring in this realm, but the cult of the hell we created spread it liberally across this section of hell. an entire manufacturing sector was dedicated to producing sulfur and pitchforks with which to assail newcomers and impress upon them the severity of their entrance into the eternal abyss. waluigi found himself gently drifting downwards, light as a feather, elongated as spaghetti, slowly but surely. very slowly, in fact, for it took upwards of ten minutes for him to descend ten feet, and just as soon as waluigi's patience was wearing thin, he was dropped firmly on a bed of nails

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA", he screamed, and in screaming provoked more pain from the ulcers that had miraculously sprouted in his mouth from exposure to the ulcer dust that was puffed into the atmosphere by the cult of the hell we created. with all the great spirit energy of a toad sick of this shit he leapt upwards and firmly planted himself onto the ground, at which point a very small person wearing a wizard hat scurried up to him and said "sinner, you are a vile piece of shit. you are now in hell. indulge yourself in the book of our lord god jehovah and you shall some day rise up from this position" and he gave waluigi a bible and waluigi took the bible and began to explain to the little man how the bible was a repressionist scheme used to keep the poor in line but the little man took out a pitchfork and started poking waluigi and waluigi said "what the fuck are you doing dude stop poking me fuck" and the little guy kept poking him and waluigi said "hey that fucking hurts youf ucker" and waluigi slapped him with the biblbe and the little man became ENRAGED granting him a plus two to all non-speed attributes and he began to poke waluigi with his pitchfork with greater intensity and waluigi said "listen you little shit im gonna go fucking waa if you keep this shit up"

and the little man said "there is no one in my eyes but god the father and god the son and god the holy spirit and if you think you can intimidate me out of poking your little bitch ass i'm going to fucking shit a trail of fire so large that you'll realize that hell isn't a place hell is the fire that came out of my ass and is inside your mouth motherfucker" and waluigi said "what the FUCK does that even mean? jesus christ dude." and waluigi punched the little man in the tooth and all his teeth fell out and the little man said "wah the fawb" and he couldn't speak because he had no teeth and waluigi picked him up and he threw him into the sky and the little guy flew really far like team rocket does in esteemed super show pokemon because he was like 30 lb or something because he was so small. and his hat fell down adn waluigi picked it up and looked inside and inside the hat it said "ever used peanut butter as lube? it's a chunky time. i'm chunky kong" and waluigi pondered the great chunky kong mystery. was there an answer? or was it just a chunky mystery?

so anyway waluigi threw the hat away because it was cheap capitalist garbage manufactured with quantity over quality in time because the christian superstate wanted to save as much money as possible so that it could invest all wealth into its superentity, the self-crowned king of god, pope barabbas, who had been waiting in hell for hundreds of years for an opportunity to create a superstate that worshiped him for his unique relationship to jesus christ, who was some dude who was important because a book said so, i guess. unfortunately these bitches never heard of jk rowley and so they had some dumbass religion that was just... yeah idk not touching this.

so anyway waluigi was walking through the after-realm, confused and lost, like a sheep that had no electric shocks to tell it it was going the wrong way. there were signposts fucking EVERYWHERE and they all had bible verses on them and waluigi was like... "waa?" which is waa for what the fuck is this shit. waluigi didn't understand why they needed all these goddamn fucking sign posts everywhere. couldn't they just put up a billboard and consolidate resources? waluigi knew that he wanted to travel away from the direction of the stupid people, however, and so he began punching the signs and crafted blocks of signs out of their scraps and started jumping up and placing blocks under him until he was standing on a virtual mountain of blocks, virtual in that it was not an actual mountain, it was just a bunch of blocks stacked on top of eachother. and he gazed.

he gazed and eventually he spotted a portion of hellscape that was not dotted with signs, and so he assumed that that must be his escape from this gospel-burnt hellrealm. unfortunately the sign blocks that he had used to elevate himself were compressed too well and punching them made his knuckles hurt, and waluigi was sad. this was unfortunate. he was now stuck in the air.

unless...

with great waa, waluigi jumped.


	4. to hell and back again

waluigi woke up. once again, he was floating, painfully slowly, towards a bed of nails. and again, the little gnome with the pitchfork and the bible was coming his way, preparing to test his patience and his gospel knowledge

waluigi sighed a deep sigh. he did a 360 oop-a-floop midair and landed right next to the bed of nails and said "okay little man. let's get to the waa." and then he kicked the little man in the face. waluigi diplomacy takes no survivors. then he turned around and he focused himself on the objective - the land he had gazed upon, free of gospel littering. waluigi had no time for this shit. waluigi had hell to pay.

the next few hours were a helltime of walking. there was no water anywhere in sight. sulphur tickled waluigi's nose. ulcer dust caused more and more ulcers to form in his mouth. waluigi hated hell, and waluigi hated that hell didn't even ahve to exist if not for these dumbasses who wanted it to exist because of their shitass dumbfuckle spirituality. anyway, waluigi was hoping that the over there, his great destination, would be less objectively awful than the over here that he was leaving. but unfortunately, he had no tricycle, and as such he had to walk. his knuckles itched with the urge to punch wood, but unfortunately there were no trees in sight. there was only endless miles, littered with signs with bible verses scribbled on in permanennt marker. waluigi briefly glanced at one. "jesus wept", it said. "yeah, me too, buddy." said waluigi. and he sighed a deep sigh. how he could go for some gatorade right now. the devil's liquor. his sweet sweet g.

"FUCK i need somee fucking gatorade GOD damn" said waluigi.

one hour later he collapsed. he could take it no more. you'd think you wouldn't be constrained by thirst and exhaustion in the afterlife, but you are. sorry, waluigi. that's life.

waluigi woke up with the sweet smell of gatorade in his nose. the sweet sweet dew smell. that smell could make a badass leader of men into a limpdick follower of cults. the gatorade was everything. he lacked the strength to open his eyes, but his limbs began moving all on their own, moving him towards the g. he could not resist the sweet gatorade. all on its own, his body stood up, and his skinny spaghetti frame found perched upright, his lips directed to the source of the sweet sweet gatorade that he loved with such passion

and as such he opened he eyes, and he found himself face to face with toadette. and toadette said "well hi there, stranger. seems like you went and got all dry of gatorade, and that's no good." and waluigi said "toadette? when did you die" and toadette said "it cam eto my attention that there was an epidemic of those who found themselves dead but were unable to access the sweet sweet gatorade. and so i spent years in a career of capitalist diplomacy, bargaining with the megacorporations of the mushroom kingdom until i was able to obtain exclusive rights and sponsorship to distributing gatorade in the afterlife, in hopes that whatever deity that controlled this would favor the gatorade manufacturies and bless them with five percent increased efficiency. unfortunately it turns out there is no god, there's just christians" and waluigi said "fuck christians" and toadette said "amen my friend. but you're going to have to pay fo that gatorade" and waluigi said "uhhhh i've got a few stacks of wood in my inventory" and toadette said "this isn't lego worlds motherfucker. i need the only currency acceptable in hell: a lifetime of manual labor in exchange for a diminishing daily allotment of gatorade" and waluigi said "that's a stupid plan and you're a stinky capitalist" and then waluigi farted in her face and he said "i'd rather just die of thirst" and toadette said "but you've already consumed the gatorade" and waluigi said "i did not consent to being revived with gatorade" and toadette said "do you honestly think anybody consents to capitalism???"

and waluigi said "oh yeah that's a good point."

and toadette said "sweep my floors, bitch" and waluigi said "wait, if you're aware of the flaws of capitalism shouldn't you be opposed to it?? i mean you said that you started this shithole sweatshop because people didn't have gatorade in hell" and toadette said "do you honestly think if i cared about human safety i'd be giving people fucking GATORADE??? that shit has like, high fructose corn syrup in it. it's basically aids for your liver. i might as well bust out the cough syrup and doritos and call it a party" and waluigi said "what the fuck did you say about gatorade you little bitch?"

and then waluigi said "that sounds chauvinistic but i would have called you a little bitch if you were a guy too"

and then waluigi scratched his chin and he said "actually scratch that i think in this situation i'll just call you an asshole, it's less rooted in systems of patriarchal oppression" and toadette said "don't make me out to be the bad guy here. i'm just saying it how it is" and waluigi said "you're literally EXPLOITING THE DEAD and blaspheming gatorade. did you seriously fucking compare gatorade to doritos??? what kind of sick fuck are you? waa" and toadette said "look it was a metaphor" and waluigi punched toadette in the tooth, and began beating toadette with a broom, and toadette said "ouch my capitalist oppression of the dead and exploitation of systems that i know are immoral and built on punching down" and waluigi said "no mercy for capitalists"

and it was waa.

then donkey kong jumped out of the bathroom and he started screaming and making gorilla noises and he ripped the gatorade dispensary tube out of the wall and he poured it directly into his mouth and his gorilla muscles began to bulge with pure power as he absorbed that sweet sweet g and he leaped into the air like a hairy sack of shit named after an animal of an entirely different species than his own and he began beating the SHIT out of waluigi and waluigi screamed "THIS ISN'T SCHWIFTY THIS ISN'T SCHWIFTY ANYMORE" and donkey kong made loud gorilla noises and then toadette shanked donkey kong between the ribs and donkey kong passed out and waluigi stepped up and brushed himself off and waluigi said "why'd you do that"

and toadette said "because i'm too lazy to cart a corpse out into the dumpster and he doesn't speak english and would probably continue vandalizing my bar. truce?" and waluigi squinted his eyes and said "no" and then he walked out of the bar

and toadette said "FUCK now i'm going to have to call diddy kong to get this hairy asshole out of here. fucking communists"


	5. waaba daab daab

so waluigi walked out of toadette's bar and into the wastelands of the after-realm, the great beyond, the neverwhere. he had no fucking clue what he was going to do now. so he decided to briefly walk back to toadette's bar and steal donkey kong's cool necktie because it was pretty fancy and he was fucking DEAD anyway. waluigi briefly pondered the fact that despite no doubt respawning, since this was the afterlife, donkey kong's corpse was still present. could one leave infinite cadavers? could repeated death in the afterlife be the answer to the eventual heat death of the universe??? waluigi didn't actually care. he just wanted that cool ass fucking tie. who's donkey fucking kong now??? who's donkey kong now??? oh yeah. it's fucking waluigi, bitch.

so anyway, waluigi kept on walking. now that he was out of the domain of the cult of the hell we created things were a lot more civil. somehow after passing out in the middle of nowhere he'd been dragged to what appeared to be a rural district in the afterlife. waluigi wasn't sure what the fuck the point of the afterlife was if people were still poor and miserable. is this basically just where losers go??? like. ok, you're a loser, you lose. now you're stuck here forever? what the fuck. "what a load of shet," waluigi said.

but then a hand manifested itself on his shoulder. a STRONG hand. it was arguably the strongest hand that waluigi had ever found himself directly in contact with. waluigi knew that if he made one wrong move, this hand could crush his shoulder with such strength that it would form a black hole that would absorb the rest of his body. spaghetti man no more. he was at risk of becoming a black hole. so he turned around and he said "waa?" and it was the great legendary horse man, who masturbated to pictures of horses having sex with people of his species. his species was trolls, who were basically stylized humans. anyway equius said "D--> Purple spaghetti man, I believe I have something that you should 100k at." and waluigi said "are you going to show me your dick because first of all i don't consent to that and second of all, that's just gross and creepy, and you should at least have some established connection with somebody before you go trying to show them your penis." and equius said "D--> E%cuse me what is wrong with you" and waluigi said "look i have low standards for humanity and if you shared my experiences you probably would too" and equius said "D--> I am not human." and waluigi said "but you're literally just a grey person with candy corn on your head" and equius said "D--> Those are my horns, spaghetti man" and waluigi said "ok well WHATEVER i am SORRY for assuming that a radioactive corpse had bitten you and you had become a dead person with candy corn on your head. or something. honestly i didn't actually assume you were that i just assumed you were a person and this is a fairly bad joke. i apologize. i respect your candy corn horns and i respect your grey skin and your apparent lack of humanity. i also respect the ascii symbols that you are somehow able to pronounce, which is extremely odd"

and equius slapped waluigi and broke every bone in his face out of sheer STRONG frustration and equius said "D--> Wait f%%k I did not mean to do that. Oh gosh this is e%tremely distresing." so he picked up waluigi's tattered corpse and he took him to the elixir of life shop where people could drink from the elixir of life in case they didn't want to respawn like several miles away from the place they lived. so equius purchased one rare candy from the elixir of life shop and fed it to waluigi and waluigi leveled up, but was still dead. "D--> Oh shoot", equius said. Equius had never actually had to resurrect himself or anyone else before, because he was EXTREMELY STRONG and only associated with people of a similar caliber, and those people were too STRONG to die. so equius turned to the store keeper and he said "D--> I confess I do not actually know what I am 100king for. It is e%tremely f001ish but I require your assistance. I must revive this purple spaghetti man." and the storekeeper turned around and bent over and shat in a vial and he brought it up and he said "alright here's your elixir of life" and equius said "D--> But that is defecation" and the storekeeper pulled down his hood and revealed that he had a skull head and he said "i'm literally the grim fucking reaper i shit life" and equius shrugged and said "D--> That is fair." so he purchased the vial of shit and poured it down waluigi's throat and waluigi began squirming like spaghetti and waluigi screamed "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FEED ME SHIT" and equius said "D--> Calm down, spaghetti man. It is the reaper's e%crement. It bestows life" and waluigi said "but you wouldn't have even needed to feed me shit if you didn't kill me with your man rage" and equius said "D--> I am sorry. I have something that I believe you should 100k at, purple spaghetti man."

so equius picked up waluigi and he brought him into his store. and equius said "D--> Allow me to assume the fi%ation for this application" and waluigi said "that doesn't make sense also what the fuck are you doing, you literally killed me, fed me shit, then you carried me into your store, and now you want me to wait for you???" and equius said "yes" and then he went into the back room and waluigi didn't have anything better to do so he just waited and he found a purple crayon and he started drawing a dinosaur except when he drew the dinosaur it became a real dinosaur... except not really real it was like, obviously made of crayon, but it was alive and shit and waluigi siad "oh shit, magic crayon" and he pocketed the magic crayon

then equius came out except now he was wearing a beautiful dress and he had fake eyelashes and make up and he said "D--> I am the meme queen, Equius, and I would like to affi% your services" and waluigi said "waa?" and equius said "D--> I would like you to travel to the mountains of Frogfort and slay the dragon there, and bring me the sacred object that the dragon guards." and waluigi said "okay but why would i do that? i have like exactly ZERO reasons to help you" and equius said "D--> I can help you ascend back to the high-realm, the land of the living." and waluigi said "i mean i'm here because i attempted suicide why would i want to just like, go back to how things were before" and equius said "D--> Um. Hm. This is distressing. Why would a virile young purple spaghetti wizard such as yourself be 100king for an end to all? How f001ish." and waluigi said "did you seriously just fucking describe me as virile????? that's Fuckinge WEIRD dude, and how the fuck would you know the potency of my sperm" and equius said "D--> I'm simply assuming based on the quality of your moustache that you are an upstanding member of your species of spaghetti people" and waluigi said "ok meme queen. what's up with the dress anyway i mean were you trying to like, shock me or something??? i respect your self designation as meme queen and all but like, that didn't have the dramatic effect i was expecting giving that i don't really have any internalized homophobia or bigotry or what have you to deal with" and equius said "D--> What"

and waluigi said "what"

and equius said "D--> Are you e%pecting me to believe that you have not heard of the STRONG meme queen Equius" and waluigi said "uh no" and equius said "D--> How long have you been dead, spaghetti man" and waluigi said "like, a few hours? i have no idea" and equius said "D--> Well you should know that I am the distinguished Meme Queen of the After-What, Equius Zahhak, oracle of the dong equine, giver and taker of life, and lover to all" and waluigi said "does that last bit mean you have sex with everyone" and equius blushed and said "D--> Of course not! I am far too STRONG. To bed with me would be to suffer shattered orifices and or appendages. It is my curse. I am shaman to the divine power of the musclebeast, cursed both with beauty and overwhelming physical power" and waluigi said "okay that's cool but you still haven't explained to me why i'm supposed to want to be alive"

and equius shrugged and said "D--> I mean I assume most people want to be alive"


	6. the dragon's dong

so waluigi departed the den of the grand Meme Queen Equius. through a sequence of events that are and will remain unspecified, waluigi had been sold on Equius' request - he would travel to the mountain of frogfurt, slay the dragon, and retrieve its treasure. 

honestly though, waluigi was probably just going to keep the treasure for himself because, let's face it. this strong ass horse man fucking KILLED him and then fed him shit. waluigi didn't owe anybody who killed him and then fed him shit anything. even if it was an accident, and even if he was arguably well intentioned. say NO to forcibly making other people consume shit in order to revive them. waluigi did NOT consent. waluigi would happily have respawned and kicked an evangelical little man into the sky and then walked a half dozen miles, collapse in the middle of nowhere, then be revived in toadette's bar and be given a sip of gatorade in return for eternal wage slavery...

actually, waluigi thought, maybe both options were about as bad. but regardless. the dragon's treasure would be his. although considering equius' affixation with encounters of the horsecocked kind, hopefully he wasn't just talking about the dragon's dick, because that would be fucking GROSS, and waluigi would be fucking PISSED if there wasn't any fucking treasure and it was just a giant ass dragony dick. waa

so waluigi entered into the domain of frogfurt, a mountainous bubbly region populated by sentient toads. as waluigi walked through the bamboo gates that entered into the village of frogfurt prime, a teenage mutant ninja turtle hoopa dooped out of the sky and brofisted him and said "PIZZA PARTY" and waluigi said "you're a turtle" and the teenage mutant ninja turtle disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. and waluigi said "man why it gotta be like that? this is fucking frogfurt. i'm assuming that means that frogs live here" and then all of a sudden aradia ghost drifted up to waluigi and she said "ribbit" and she was wearing a really cute frog outfit that just let her face and horns show and waluigi said "this is better than the teenage mutant ninja asshole but you're still not a frog" and aradia rolled a blunt and lit it and started smoking and she walked up to waluigi and she put her arm around his shoulder and she said "w0uld y0u like a puff" and waluigi said "eh sure it's not like i have anything to lose at this point. waa" and he took a few puffs of the magic dragon and aradia took the blunt back and puffed it and she said "this is fr0gfurt. haven f0r fr0gs and the fr0g identified. 0u0" 

so waluigi walked into frogfurt and it was a village filled with people dressed in frog outfits and a few frogs, but the frogs weren't human socialized so they basically just stayed in the bushes watching from afar. waluigi could barely see the frogs. he saw one frog just staring. and he said "i bet that frog is like. what the fuck are these idiots doing. they're wearing clothes to pretend they're like me. why would you want to be a frog? we eat fucking flies." and aradia said "that is n0t nice. fr0gs are great!" and waluigi waa'd in submission. he would not argue with a woman in a frog costume. especially a dead one with horns. and then aradia used her psychic powers to pick her nose and waluigi watched as the boogers floated out of her nose and into her mouth and waluigi said "waa."

so then aradia brought waluigi into the frogfurt general store, which was run by another aradia, except this one was a robot. and the robot aradia said "hell0 0_0" and the frog costume aradia said "this is the purple spaghetti man 0f legend. we are welc0ming him to fr0gfurt" and the robot aradia said "very g00d" and frog costume aradia said "yes. what is it that br0ught y0u t0 fr0gfurt, spaghetti man?" and she passed a blunt to waluigi and waluigi took a puff and handed it back and waluigi was starting to kinda get high and he said "well like, i was told by equius to um... waa... gimme a sec... waa... right he was like, telling me to... fuck this is some powerful weed, what is in this shit" and aradia said "that is n0t weed. that is c0ncentrated fr0g semen in a blunt" and waluigi said "god disgusting. gimme some more" and then he puffed again and he was like "alright... what was i waaing... ah yes... equius wanted me to, like, slay a waa... i mean, a dragon, and like, remove its sacred treasure... probably a dick honestly" and aradia said "y0u are c0rrect! it is a penis! 0u0" and waluigi said "great i fucking knew it" and aradia said "it is n0t just any penis, th0ugh. it is jeff bez0s penis, b0ught fr0m d0uble y0u d0uble y0u d0uble y0u d0t amaz0n d0t c0m, f0r 0ver twenty million eur0s." and waluigi said "damn that is quite a prize. waa. i could go for a jeff bezo penis. i bet it's like, fucking massive" and aradia said "by all acc0unts it is quite 0rdinary. but it is said that p0ssessing it will grant y0u the luck 0f the rich." and waluigi said "waa." and robot aradia said "i believe he is int0xicated" and aradia said "well yes" and robot aradia said "then all is 0kay" and waluigi said "waa" and passed out


	7. the bad time

so aradia slapped waluigi and he woke back up and he said "waa?" because this was not waa anymore. he was strapped to the front of a fridge and aradia said "are y0u awake?" and waluigi said "what the fuck is happening" and aradia said "y0u are attached t0 my fridge, t0 await pr0cessing" and waluigi said "what the fuck kind of processing" and aradia said "0nly the best 0u0 y0u are g0ing t0 be turned int0 pr0cessed hellgruel f0r 0ur preci0us fr0g friends, s0 that we may sm0ke m0re 0f their delectable semen 0u0" and waluigi said "that's fucked up you turn people into fucking food so that you can milk frog semen???" and aradia said "yes" and eridan came down the stairs dressed in a frog hoodie and he said "yo aradia mind if i interrupt" and aradia said "g0 ahead l0ve 0u0" and eridan said "thanks wwonderful" and he opened the fridge with waluigi attached to it and he grabbed a beer and he went back upstairs and waluigi said "this is fucking inhumane dont you at least have someplace better than the fucking living room? im attached to a fucking fridge" and aradia said "d0nt w0rry. y0ull be in the grinder s00n enough" and waluigi said "this is bullshit" and aradia said "s0 is life. thats why were in fr0gfurt" and waluigi said "fuck frogs and fuck frogfurts i want out of this hellscape" and aradia said "s00n y0u will be free, my child" and waluigi said "fuck your stupid frog cult"

and then eridan came back downstairs and he slapped waluigi across his bitch mouth and he said "shut it spaghetti man im trying to wwatch the superbowwl" and he went back upstairs and waluigi started screaming and aradia said "this is n0t 0kay why cant y0u just respect that my b0yfriend is trying t0 watch the superb0wl" and waluigi said "BECAUSE you are TRYING to kill me motherfucker" and aradia said "i am n0t a m0therfucker. i have fucked exactly n0 m0thers" and waluigi said "thats besides the point" and then aradia duct taped waluigi's mouth shut and waluigi began to waa, but the waa was not strong enough to breach the duct tape.

the hours turned into what seemed like days as he awaited death. he wet himself many times. luckily he had not had solid food since entering hell, so he was unable to defecate. that would be fucking disgusting. waluigi groaned and struggled but he could not resist his bonds. he was trapped. by frog people. fucking frog people. he would never forgive the frog people for this. once he respawned, he would commit every action with hate towards the frog people and their bizarre worship of frog cum.

then all of a sudden squidward burst through the wall and he screamed "suck my dick after i emerged from a spider coccoon with melted insides... but the melted insides only made me stronger. you thought you could sacrifice squidward to the spider but now the spider is sacrificed to the squidward whose dick you will suck! my melted liver only brings me power now, i draw power from the liquid that was once solid intestine, i am big energy! my energy is growing! i am big energy squidward!" and he began powering up and even though he didn't have hair golden ahir started to sprout from his head and he blinkdashed towards waluigi and removed the duct tape from his mouth and the bindings from his arms and legs and waluigi dropped down, weak from exhaustion and starvation and he said "who are you?" and squidward's head begin rotating 360 degrees and he said "i am big energy squidward. i channel the god energy. i have a message for you from the force behind all force, the absolute energy, the vibration behind the vibrator. i am big energy squidward" and he leaned down and he whispered into waluigi's ear

"hey kid"  
"ever used peanut butter as lube?"  
"it's a chunky time"  
"i'm chunky kong"

and then squidward stood up and he extended all his arms and golden sub machine guns manifested into his hands and he began hovering upstairs and screaming in a language so foreign and alien that waluigi began seeing psychedelic visuals from the mere utterance as it vibrated through the chodes of his brain. squidward disappeared up the stairs. first there was nothing. then there was nothing. then there was gunfire. blood poured down the stairs. a torrent of blood. eridan came running down the stairs screaming "WWHAT THE FUCK" and a tentacle extended and grabbed him by the leg and pulled him up and eridan screamed "WWHY ME" and then there was more gunfire, and eridan's dumb hipster glasses sailed down the river of blood in front of waluigi, and waluigi put them on. waluigi decided he looked fucking ridiculous and pocketed the eridan glasses and the DK tie so that he was back to being vanilla waluigi. then waluigi took out his magic purple crayon and he drew a dinosaur and he climbed onto its back and he said "get me the fuck out of here, magic purple dinosaur" and the magic purple dinosaur said "anything for the purple spaghetti man!" in the goofiest voice ever and he dashed through the wall next to where squidward had burst through the wall and waluigi looked back and frogfurt was on fire and waluigi tipped his hat and said "you weird motherfuckers may have tried to kill me to feed to frogs in exchange for psychedelic frog semen, but i'm not sure anyone deserved that particular deus ex machina." then robot aradia's head landed in front of the purple dinosaur and the purple dinosaur had to swerve and waluigi said "fucking christ that guy is going to town. oh well. let's find a dragon and get jeff bezos' penis. assuming that weird frog alien wasn't lying to me" and the purple dinosaur said "hey spaghetti! i know where you can find the dragon of frogfurt!" and waluigi said "where" and the purple dinosaur said "well, you gotta smoke enough frog cum to enter the frogmension, then in the psychedelic ecstasy you will find the dragon of frogfurt, and once you wake up, you will have the penis assuming you have acquired it! golly, it sure sounds simple, don't it? wonder why nobody else has taken the dragon's penis?" and waluigi said "honestly anybody dumb enough to risk their lives for a billionaire's penis is probably a straight male and i don't know any straight men who would snort frog cum" and the purple dinosaur said "gee, you sure are smart, mister spaghetti!" and waluigi said "my name is waluigi"

and waluigi said, "waa."


	8. in spite of dragon's dong

so waluigi returned to the burning wreckage of frogfurt. there were no frog people here anymore. only corpses, their frog robes mostly incinerated in the great squidward cleansing. but there were frogs. hundreds of frogs, feeding off of the corpses of the frog people of frogfurt. aradia hadn't been lying afterall. these frogs really did consume the flesh of the sentient. he watched the frogs consume their gruesome feast and as he watched every now and then a frog would start to vibrate and ribbit orgasmically and then shoot a fat load of iridescent frog cum onto the ground. they didn't even need to harvest the frog cum. hellfrogs naturally experienced orgasmic pleasure from consuming the flesh of sentient beings.

the purple dinosaur said "ayup, that's how frogs make frog cum. they shoot it out of their teeny weeny penises and shit. sir waluigi, you're gonna have to scoop up about ten metrick bernies of frog cum and eat it" and waluigi said "this is my life now" and the purple dinosaur said "yep sir waluigi! that's life! or rather death, since you're dead, haha! better get to scooping up that sweet sweet psychedelic frog cum!" and waluigi said "this is not waa. this is bad waa" so waluigi drew a robot and he said "okay robot your duty is to scoop up this psychedelic frog cum. i'm gonna need about ten metrick bernies" and the robot said "what the fuck is a metrick bernie" and waluigi said "okay purple dinosaur what the fuck is a metrick bernie" and the purple dinosaur said "gee about like one and a half pounds" and waluigi said "okay so like fifteen pounds of frog cum. let's go robot" and the robot said "as you command, master" and the robot crafted a bucket out of debris and began scooping frog cum into it

waluigi decided to draw a nintendo switch in the hopes that product placement would result in nintendo sending him an actual nintendo switch. he waited for like thirty minutes, determined that nintendo wasn't going to airdrop a nintendo switch into the netherwhere, and decided to play purple super mario. it kind of sucked because everything was shades of purple, but waluigi was okay with this. it was better than scooping frog cum up. waluigi noted the irony of playing a video game centered on his hated rival, mario, but he shrugged it off because honestly he didn't really care and his surface life had kinda sucked and his rivalry with mario was stupid shit, and was kind of forced.

then the purple crayon robot rolled up to waluigi on its single wheel and he said "master, i have completed the task that you have assigned to me. may i know what further instruction i can perform?" and waluigi said "you're a free robot now. you can do whatever you want." and the robot said "but master, i am not programmed to command my own initiative" and waluigi said "well then uhhh reprogram yourself?" and the robot said "affirmative" and then it shut down for a half minute and it said "goodbye, master. may you prosper" and waluigi said "i hope i don't regret making a sentient machine. that seems like the kind of thing that could possibly come back to bite my ass in the future. waa"

so waluigi picked up the bucket of frog cum and he drank the whole thing in a few gulps and he said "god that tastes fucking awful i can't believe i just fucking ingested a bucket of animal semen" and the purple dinosaur said "it's okay man. i'll be here. just relax and let yourself be transported to the frog realm" and waluigi curled up and cuddled with the purple dinosaur and gradually his netherself began to transition into the world where all is fuck and fuck is all. the frog cum dimension, otherwise known as the frogmension. everything felt fucking AWESOME because he was high, but waluigi had a mission to accomplish. there was no time to waste getting high and contemplating the meaning of existence. he had to find the dragon of frogfurt, kill him, and obtain jeff bezos's penis. waluigi got up and looked around him. he was in a psychedelic hellscape that constantly shifted through phases of existence. sometimes, the buildings would burn like they did in the world, where squidward had destroyed everything. then everything would become frogs. then there would be fire, blue fire, and ghosts that stared at him in the eyes and screeched. but then their screeching would stop, because they would be phased out. but then they would be back, and their screeching and staring would go on as if never interrupted. waluigi shuddered and kept on walking. he attempted to reach for his purple crayon, but it was grey and brittle in this reality. it had no power here. he would not be able to use the powers of godhood to get him out of this.

so waluigi shrugged and kept walking. in the distance he saw a figure unaffected by the phasing, but phasing in and out of itself, as if it existed in all dimensions and yet none. waluigi tapped it on the shoulde rand its ambiguous, static-riddled face turned and stared into waluigi's eyes with a certain uncertainty that drew his soul out of the mortal coil and through years of trauma experienced in an instant. waluigi slapped his own face to snap himself out of it and waa'd with great terror and he turned his eyes away and the figure said "hey kid. ever used peanut butter as lube? it's a chunky time. i'm chunky kong." and waluigi screamed "WHERE IS THE DRAGON THAT POSSESSES JEFF BEZOS'S PENIS" and the figure pointed towards a mountain and disappeared and waluigi held his head in his hands and said "jesus fuck i've experienced lifetimes of suffering and i remember all of it. waa does not like this. this is not good for waa"

so waluigi knelt and he wept and he wept. he had experienced so much. so much suffering. a thousand children dead in his arms, babies dying in their slaughtered mothers' wombs. an elephant in a cage. waluigi screamed. it was too much

it was too much.

waluigi lay on the ground for hours, weeping, unable to handle anything. finally, the sorrow of understanding everything faded as memories began to dull, and the sorrow on his face became duller. his expression was one of dull pain. he stood. he was wordless. not even a waa escaped his lips. but he had a purpose. the frog cum was beginning to wear off, and his patronage of the frogmension was soon to come to an end. but he still had a mission. he would retrieve jeff bezos's penis. he would probably kill the dragon, unless it was amiable to his cause. but he would accomplish his mission. he had to.


	9. the dragon's dong, donged twice

waluigi entered the mountain wherein the dragon slept, guarding its preciousness, the pristine condition, amazon exclusive fount of fortune, jeff bezos's penis. literally entered the mountain, for the mountain had a door, leading into its innards. what a strange mountain, thought waluigi. how many mountains have doors? probably not many, he thought. he was clearly in the lair of an artisan who felt alienated by society and as such felt the need to oppose societal norms and what was commonly referred to as sense. this was a creature that lived off of pure artistic rebellion, fueled by the passion of the mind, the lusts of the heart. this was an artist. waluigi had no fucking idea what to do. every artist was a creature as unique as the sperm that bore the multiverse into existence through the womb of the all. waluigi sighed in waa.

waluigi took a torch off the side of the wall. he was in some kind of cave system looking thing, but the walls were lined with portraits of penises of all shapes, sizes, colors, and... species? waluigi hadn't seen many goomba penises, but he was pretty sure he was face to face with a portrait of a goomba penis. yikes. come to think of it, waluigi had never seen ANY goomba penises. goombas were literally fucking fungus. maybe this was from some alternate reality where goombas had fungus penises. what kind of sick fuck would invent a goomba penis? waluigi shuddered. he wasn't sure he was able to handle this. this was one art show he would not browse with enthusiasm. this art show he would browse with distaste and fear. this was the dong dome.

waluigi ventured further into the caves. he was greeted by ganky goomba, the protagonist. ganky goomba said "rear-end yourself! oppositioner! i am ganky goomba, the protagonist, and this is my cave of ghastly penises!" and waluigi said "look dude i just want to find this dumbass dragon and kill them so that i can grab jeff bezos's penis" and ganky goomba said "why do you need his penis" and waluigi said "i don't but this crossdressing alien dude told me he'd give me the power to return to life if i killed the dragon and acquired the dragon's dong for him" and ganky goomba said "well then, i repeat, rear-end yourself! me and the dragon of the ghastly penis cave are in a relationship and i will not allow you to harm my lover!" and waluigi said "dude fuck off this isn't even a cave it's a mountain. waa just wants jeff bezos's penis. this isn't hard. don't make this annoying for waa" and ganky goomba said "REAR END YOURSELF" and waluigi said "alright whatever" and he huffed and he puffed and he jumped into air and he gradually ascended upwards and his boot began slowly descending towards ganky's face and ganky goomba stared up with grim determination and he said "I DIE FOR THEE MY LOVE" and waluigi's foot smashed through his weak fungus skin and pounded the ground with gross goomba juice splattered everywhere. the protagonist was dead.

waluigi said "god what a douchebag. i just need jeff bezos's penis." so waluigi kept going through the cave and he finally came up to a wall with a door and a voice came from inside saying "COME IN" and waluigi came in and he said "hey" and he was standing in front of a giant ass dragon, except this wasn't any regular dragon, this was a psychedelic dragon, with like fifty eyes. its body was constantly phasing through trippy ass psychedelic patterns and waluigi said "so how come the rest of this mountain isn't all phasey and frogcum-y" and the dragon said "i feast on the energies of this universe for eternal life, and unlimited sexual stamina! it is with my INCREDIBLE ENERGY that i have been able to devote millenia to the study, collection, and artistic representation of penises!" and waluigi said "cool."

and the dragon said "yo how'd you get past my boyfriend? i told him not to let anyone disturb me" and waluigi said "yeah i uhhh told him i had urgent business with you" and the dragon said "well what's your business" and waluigi said "i need jeff bezos's penis" and the dragon said "that is the most fortunate and powerful of my collection. you may gaze upon it. but you may not have it." and waluigi said "uhhh sure let me just take a look" and the dragon turned around and waluigi walked across the room to look at a glass jar with jeff bezos's preserved penis inside it and waluigi said "god i have no idea what the fuck anybody would want with this piece of shit i mean it's a fucking preserved penis. it's fucking gross. i guess aliens don't see it as the phallic symbol that it is and just see it as a flappy fun toy or something" and the dragon said "yeah us non-humans generally aren't terrified of this shit." and waluigi walked over to it and picked it up and he said "i'm going to take this" and the dragon said "WHAT" and waluigi said "yeah, see you later buddy. sorry i stole your prized penis."

and he walked out of the mountain with the penis, and shortly afterwards he phased back into reality, still holding jeff bezos's ultra-fortunate manhood. the purple dinosaur said "you're back! and you have jeff bezos's penis!" and waluigi said "yeah and the memories of several lifetimes of untold tragedy. i'm probably going to be edgy and jaded forever until i forget waaself and just go back to being waa" and the purple dinosaur "but sir waluigi, you got the penis!" and waluigi said "yes. i have the penis. jeff bezos's penis."


	10. quest success

so waluigi rode his purple dinosaur back to the rural shithole where the meme queen equius resided. it was a long journey, and waluigi drew another purple nintendo switch for him to play video games on because he was bored. he'd started to actually have quite an affinity for this purple-scale graphicking, where all was one shade of purple or another. it had this mystical quality to it. it spoke to him. it was only natural that waluigi, with his deep love for the color purple, would have a purple crayon and be able to create in purple. the world needed more purple, he thought. the world needed more purple dinosaurs, more purple spaghetti men, more purple video games.

waluigi's daydreaming was cut short by the purple dinosaur screaming "WEEEE'RE HEEERE" in the goofiest voice possible. waluigi wasn't sure why his dinosaur was goofy. maybe because he couldn't draw and just made something that looked like a cartoon dinosaur, and so the universe had decided that a cartoon dinosaur needed a cartoon dinosaur personality. but still, why couldn't it have like, an intelligent cartoon personality. not this goofy bubbly shit. it's okay though, waluigi thought. this is a good dinosaur. he has served me well. come to think of it, waluigi hadn't even designated a species for this dinosaur. he had just drawn some vaguely dinosauric looking thing and decided it was a dinosaur. he could have made like, a stegosaurus or something awesome but instead he just made this goofy thing. though honestly its soft curves made for good riding so it was all good. waluigi loved his purple dinosaur.

anyway waluigi got off the purple dinosaur and walked into the meme queen's lair and he said "hey equius" but equius wasn't there and waluigi said "god damn it". so waluigi started walking around and looking at the stuff in equius's store and it was mostly sex objects, some promising magic effects like soul-destroying orgasms and waluigi said "big yikes what would a permanent virgin as myself be doing in a store like this" and then waluigi pondered the matter and came to the conclusion that as a virgin, he would probably be in the demographic for sex toys, and so he was very much in his place in this store. so waluigi said "waa" and began sizing up the buttplugs. eventually he got to a buttplug the size of a grapefruit and he was like "fuck i wouldn't like to see the asshole of the man, ma'am or nonbinary superentity that would be able to fit this thing in their posterior. jesus christ this is literally a fucking grapefruit. goddamn"

finally waluigi got tired of looking at sex toys so he went up to the back of the store and there was a door that said 'meme queen's office' and he opened it and equius was being railed by not one, not two, not three, but four rabid werewolves and waluigi said "what the FUCK" and he shut the door and he said "god damn they didn't even look half done i'm going to have to wait forever" so waluigi decided to masturbate to a piece of lint on the floor that vaguely resembled princess peach having sex with a particularly large rock golem. don't judge a waa for what goes on in waa's mind. just as waluigi spilled his precious waa, equius walked out of his office in a miniskirt and thighhighs and he said "D--> Greetings, spaghetti man" and waluigi said "oh uh hey i hope you don't mind but i may or may not have ejaculated on your ceiling" and equius said "D--> That is e%tremely l00d, but luckily for you, l00d is quite my specialty." and waluigi said "yeah and anyway i have jeff bezos's penis" and equius said "D--> E%cellent." and waluigi gave him jeff bezos's penis and he said "okay here's his penis but i'm still not sure why i'm supposed to want to come back to life" and equius said "D--> Purple spaghetti man, there are still transphobes alive" and waluigi thought for a moment and he said "true that's a pretty good reason to get back to life. alright let's do it"

so then equius and waluigi walked outside and equius said "D--> Prepare for liftoff" and waluigi said "what?" and equius started roaring and his muscles began bulging with pure power and the sheer STRONG energy that was flowing through his body and his entire body began expanding as he became big energy equius and equius's glasses shattered making him look much less cool and his clothes ripped which was kind of indecent and waluigi said "what the fuck is happening" and equius's chest opened up revealing a black hole and waluigi was sucked into it and the chest closed again and equius began lifting himself up using the sheer power of his courageous STRONGceps to defy physics, achieving flight by lifting himself up with his giant biceps. he began speeding towards the sky of the netherwhere, the sky being a massive interdimensional barrier separating the netherwhere from the world of the living and equius began screaming from sheer exertion as he pierced the lifeshield, the exoskeleton of the netherwhere that kept all dead in the world of the dead, and blood began pouring from equius's eyes and he screamed "D--> THIS IS HIGHLY DISCONCERTING" and the chest cavity in his chest opened up and he stuck his hand into the black hole and pulled waluigi out and he threw him up and waluigi saw the nethercrust, the physical layer separating the netherwhere from the interdimensional jelly that would allow him to come back into the land of the living and he screamed and raised his fist and punched through it like fucking kool-aid man (fuck yeah, kool-aid man), and he entered into a psychedelic goop of sheer non-energy, existing in a state of being and non-being, and he swum towards the light, which he assumed was the land of the living, because that was the only thing he could see outside of psychedelic goop

and then he broke through


	11. rebirth in the top percentage of all rebirth

waluigi woke up, naked, in the middle of the jungle. a slug was sliming its way across his left nipple. he screamed and began flailing around wildly, until he eventually hit his head on a rock and gave himself a minor concussion and passed out again

when he woke up, he was covered in slugs. waluigi started screaming "WAA THIS IS NOT OKAY THIS IS NOT OKAY" and waluigi stood up and he started violently bashing his body against the nearest tree and smashing slugs and clawing his body and by the time all the slugs were gone he was bloody and bruised, covered in claw marks, and panting exhaustingly

he said "god i forgot how much this world sucks. at least in hell i had friends." and then waluigi thought for a moment and then he said "actually i didn't even have friends there, just my purple dinosaur" and he took out his magic crayon and he drew some overalls and because they were purple anyway they came out real instead of purple crayon-y and waluigi said "now waa's more like it"

then suddenly a blue hat and a yellow t-shirt popped out of the bushes and said "hey mister! my name is joey! would you like to fight my rattata? my rattata is different from regular rattata. in fact, my rattata is in the top percentage of all rattata." and waluigi said "what the fuck is a rattata?" and joey said "you're in pokebania and you don't know what a rattata is? what are you, a square? my mom told me not to trust strange people who didn't respect my rattata!" and joey threw out his pokeball and he said "go! rattata!" and waluigi said "is that a fucking pokemon? jesus fuck where did equius put me what the waa. waa, are you seriously sending a fucking rat out to fight me?" and he put on his purple gloves (they were purple because he made them with a purple crayon) and he said "alright it's waa time" and the pokeball landed on the ground and shot out a little purple rat and waluigi started laughing and he said "what the fuck is that? is that a fucking rat?" and joey said "rattata! use hyperbeam!" and the rattata opened its mouth and shot a massive laser beam out of its mouth and waluigi barely managed to dodge it and waluigi said "what the estranged son of fuck" and joey said "my rattata is in the top percentage of all rattata!!"

waluigi dashed towards the rattata and he kicked the rattata in the middle and the rattata began shrieking and it ran up to waluigi and bit him on the arm and waluigi began flailing his arm and screaming and said "WHAT THE FUCK" and waluigi bit the rattata and the rattata dropped off of waluigi's arm and waluigi began shrieking and the rattata began shrieking and then waluigi started shrieking louder and rattata passed out and joey said "holy fuckers! you're pretty strong! you beat my rattata, and my rattata was different from regular rattata" and waluigi said "i'm motherfucking waa, of course i beat your rat" and joey said "want to be my friend?" and waluigi said "do you usually ask people who beat up your pets to be your friend?" and joey said "fuck yeah! how else do you think i got my rattata to be this strong? i let my precious rattata be beaten up by at least two dozen different trainers every day! but you're the first one to beat my precious rattata up with your bare hands!" and waluigi said "you're fucking insane" and joey said "sure am, captain! let's get you to the nearest pokecenter!" and waluigi said "what the fuck is the pokemon center" and joey said "aw, they'll heal all your pokemon after they get viciously attacked. dunno about people, but you ain't like any person i ever seen, so i'm sure we could make this work!"

so waluigi and joey walked through the forest, occasionally getting attacking by wild beasts of every color and size, which waluigi had to rip into shreds with his bare hands because joey's rattata was beaten half to death. every once in a while joey would say something like "gee, i wish my rattata was here! my rattata is different from regular rattata. in fact, my rattata is in the top percentage of all rattata. it would sure be handy right now!" and waluigi would turn around and scream "we are literally getting attacked by purple sumo wrestlers your tiny fucking rat isn't going to do SHIT captain waa" and waluigi was covered in pokemon blood by the time they reached lewdnook town, conspicuously named by a mayor of ambiguous gender who really enjoyed anal. when they walked in, waluigi's overalls were in tatters and he was covered in blood and various fluids, such as poison and lava that'd been spit onto him by various creatures

and waluigi said "you people are fucking insane, this is worse than fucking australia" and joey said "what the heck is australia?"

then they went to the nearest pokecenter and were greeted by a bubbly lady with ridiculously volumous pink hair who said "welcome to the lewdnook pokecenter! how may i assist" and waluigi siad "I NEED HEALING, DOC" and joey said "and my above average rattata needs healing too" and the woman looked waluigi up and down and she said "can you fit in a pokeball?" and waluigi said "no, that's fucking stupid" and the pokemon center attendant said "this isn't a hospital, sir!" and waluigi said "you don't have a hospital" and the pokemon center attendant said "well, maybe you should have gotten a pokemon before you went out into the wild" and waluigi said "god i hate this country" and the pokemon center attendant said "i'm afraid i can't help you with that! now if you wouldn't mind, let me heal the boy's above average rattata" and waluigi said "who cares if a rat is above average" and the pokemon center attendant said "i'll have you know that this rattata is in the top percentage of rattata" and waluigi said "i don't fucking care" and then he passed out


	12. poketopia

so waluigi woke up in a dumpster behind the pokecenter and waluigi brushed some banana peels off him and he said "god damn what in the fuck was that" and he got up and his clothes were still in tatters and he was covered in blood except he was also covered in garbage and waluigi screamed

so waluigi walked back into the pokecenter and he said "who in the fuck throws an injured waa into a dumpster" and the pokemon center attendant said "it was that boy you were with" and waluigi said "well that figures" and the pokemon center attendant said "in the future, i would recommend that you don't rely on young children for survival" and waluigi said "come on, this is supposed to be a socialist utopia, i mean you have free fucking healthcare, just not for humans???" and the pokeon center attendant said "i don't make the rules" so waluigi walked out of the pokemon center and he used his magic purple crayon to draw a tent and he drew a pillow and blankets and he hitched his tent behind the pokemon center and he went to bed

and then he woke up and youngster joey was in front of his tent kicking him in the spleen and waluigi said "what the fuck do you want you little shit and why are you kicking me in the spleen" and joey said "i saw you in the neighborhood and i wanted to come talk to you! did you know that my rattata is now even more top percentage of all rattata than it was when you fought it? i fed it rare candy and it leveled up!" and waluigi said "how the fuck do you know it leveled up? leveling up is a highly personal metaphysical process" and joey said "well uhhhhhhh i dunno i just looked in my inventory" and waluigi said "your inventory? what the fuck kind of inventory lets you see if your rat has gained a level" and joey said here, let me show you and he looked at his watch and suddenly a big ass flat surface appeared with a pixelated image of his rattata and his rattata was level 2 and named rattata and waluigi said "damn you got your rat to level two. good job kid. i'm sure your rat is proud to have you as a trainer" and joey said "thanks, mister! my rattata is in the top percentage of rattata" and waluigi said "yeah uhh i think i got that"

so then waluigi got up and he punched joey in the face because who gives a fuck if he was a kid, the kid was kicking him in a spleen. waluigi supports violence on occasion. in retrospect waluigi would probably realize that this was not an okay act but in the present moment he was just kind of tired, annoyed, and his spleen hurt. so honestly he did not care about the feelings about some kid who attacked him with his pet rat and his feet. so anyway waluigi walked out of lewdnook town and into the forest and he began punching wood and a few hours later he had obtained multiple sixty four stacks of wood and he crafted some wood armor out of it and he looked like a fucking minecraft character in this goddamn rigid ass fucking wood but at least he would be protected from the attacks of pokemon

so then he began walking through the jungle aimlessly, not really sure where he was going but hoping the next location would be somewhat more civilized than the last, and would contain less boys dead set on viciously attacking him with their pet rats who are in the top percentage of pet rats. he continued walking and an infernape flew out of the bushes and tackled him in the face with its ass and waluigi screamed "what in the WAA is wrong with you you fucking volcano monkey" and the monkey screamed and fire flew out of its mouth and waluigi's armor was instantly disintegrated and waluigi said "for the love of fuck" so he grabbed the infernape by its jaw and pulled its head straight off its body and collected its spinal cord and fashioned it into a sort of whip using the arcane art of bone crafting and waluigi said "no jungle messes with waa." and he kept walking through the forest and punching wood every now and then because waluigi was going to eventually find his way back to his chocobo farm in the middle of bigly boo forest, and if any of those goddamn precious chocobos were hungry waluigi was going to feed the FUCK out of them. poor innocent chocobos. unfortunately waluigi had never paid attention to geography in waa school and so he had no idea where the fuck bigly boo forest in relation to pokebania. waluigi didn't even know pokebania was a real place. maybe waluigi went to the wrong reality? honestly come to think of it if hell was a separate reality from the land of the living, and there's a dimensional film between the netherwhere and the otherwheres, there's no reason he couldn't have swam his jank ass to a random ass dimension. waluigi waa'd internally. this was a confusing life he led.

so waluigi shrugged and waa'd. a bulbasaur ran out of the bushes and waluigi kicked it in its face and it exploded into a bunch of plant guts. plantestines? it was pretty gruesome. gross vine fluid everywhere. waluigi was so fucking done with pokemon. waluigi did not want to catch them all. pokemon could go FUCK themselves for all waluigi cared. waluigi just wanted to return to his chocobo farm and get back to his precious precious chocobos. chocobos are the fucking BEST

then all of a sudden some extremely skinny nerdy looking guy ran into his path and he said "i-i-i-i challenge you to a pokemon battle!!!" and waluigi said "the fuck no you don't" and he punched him in the face and knelt down and snagged one of his pokeballs and walked off with it and the trainer said "what the fuck are you doing with my precious pokemon" and waluigi said "look dude if it was so precious you wouldn't watch it get beat half to death for blood sport on a daily basis. also don't fucking attack waa" and he waluigi walked off, never to see the nerdy guy again

and waluigi said "that may have been rude but this dude just fucking run up to me and attacked me. i mean that's pretty fucking gross. he had fucking murder in his eyes, i swear to waa" and he decided to throw his pokeball out to see what was inside and it was this giant fucking meat snake called GYARADOS and waluigi said "holy fuck you're a big boy aren't you" and waluigi looked him up and down and he said "shit you really are a big fucking boy damn. anyway i dunno how you felt about that guy but uhhh i'm waa and i'll be your new pokeball holder. honestly though pokeballs are kinda barbaric. why can't you just fucking fly around and shit. idk not to get all PETA but like, end the cage. anyway i guess your name is squirt because you're a precious good boy who never did anything wrong." and he stomped on the pokeball and he said "let's go pal" and him and the gyarados went like... slithering with him and waluigi felt good for once in the last day or so. he had a big ass blue motherfucker on his side and this motherfucker was named SQUIRT and he was A GOOD BOY A PRECIOUS BOY WHO NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG ONCE IN HIS LIFE.


	13. just a waa and waa's pals

so waluigi and his precious good boy gyarados who never did nothing wrong in his life, squirt, were walking along a vaguely carved out path through the forest and occasionally brutally mutilating pokemon that would pop out thiswhere and thatwhere and by the time they got out of the forest and into a clearing they were covered in blood and various fluids, some vicious toxins, others just spit or goo or other weird shit, i mean these pokemon come in basically every size. fucking insane, these motherfuckers. anyway waluigi stepped out of the forest and he saw a massive clearing. in the center of the huge grassland was a colloseum dug into the ground, with rows that could probably hold tends of thousands of animal abuse activists and animal abuse activist allies. waluigi coined the term animal abuse activist to describe random people who run around watching their supposedly beloved pets get violently mutilated by other animals. anyway, as he watched, youngster joey stepped into the center of a pit and threw out a pokeball releasing his precious rattata. he could vaguely make out him saying something but honestly he was pretty sure he was just saying his rattata is in the top percentage of all rattata. the other contestant, a little girl, threw out a machamp which was this huge fucking muscley thing with four arms and the rattata ran up to it and the machamp stepped on it and crushed every bone in its body and joey fell to his knees and started weeping and waluigi said "what in the fuck is up with these people"

and squirt looked at him and waluigi said "okay, "people"", using his fingers to make air quotes and squirt nodded approvingly and waluigi said "okay honestly i'm just gonna walk past this whole spectacle because it has no relevance to me whatsoever. i need to find out how to get back to bigly boo forest and see if my precious chocobos are okay. and squirt looked at him and raised an eyebrow and waluigi said "i love my fucking chocobos. they are LITERALLY my only friends. my asshole brother wario bailed on me during an economic crisis in the mushroom kingdom. now he's literally a fucking loan shark. what a scumbag. anyway he left me a farm and it has a bunch of chocobos and they were my only friends." and squirt gyaa'd sympathetically.

so waluigi kept on walking down a trail that led past the collosseum and there were signs saying 'route 277' and waluigi said "well that's fucking helpful why can't you just say what direction i'm going in or like idk this is just a useless sign" and squirt tried to do a shrug but wasn't capable of doing so because he had no limbs and waluigi said "that's ok. you're a good boy." and squirt looked happy and waluigi said "god if getting called a good boy makes you happy you really haven't ever had any meaningful love or affection in your life. what the fuck are these people doing?" and waluigi grumbled to himself and a girl walked up to waluigi and said "how come you don't put your gyarados in a pokeball? what if somebody got hurt?" and waluigi said "it's not the people i'm worried about here, honestly" and the girl said "i'm confused by that statement" and waluigi said "it's okay child. be confused. i don't honestly care" and he kept walking but the girl ran up after him and he said "hey, mister, let's fight!" and she took out a poke ball and waluigi took it and he tossed it at least 200 feet into the distance and the girl said "you're a mean one, mister purple doo doo head!" and waluigi said "okay sure thing kid. have a nice life" and he kept walking because he figured at some point he'd meet somebody who he could talk to without having to beat up an animal

so he kept walking for what seemed like hours because it was hours and waluigi said "god i wish i had an iphone with an appropriate library of music right now" and then he remembered his purple crayon so he took out his purple crayon and he drew an ipod and some earbuds and he plugged them in and started playing but all the songs were dubstep and waluigi said "i'm not shaming people who do actually like this genre of music but dubstep, in my personal, entirely subjective opinion, is irredeemable garbage that eats ass and shits air" and he threw the ipod on the ground and stomped it into the ground and somewhere, purple crayon steve jobs cried at the loss of one of his children.

waluigi kept walking and eventually he stopped because he was tired.

waluigi said, "waa."

then big energy squidward spun through the ground and appeared in front of waluigi, glowing in all his big energy glory. big energy squidward said "suck my dick after i emerged from the spider's coccoon with melted insides. all of my insides are melted but my melted insides give me power and feed me energy... yes... i am growing... i am becoming stronger! i am big energy. i am big energy squidward! spider thought squidward was food but now spider is food for the big energy squidward whose dick you will suck! i have eight penises! now i am arisen after murdering an entire village of small energies who tainted the breath of god with frog cum abuse. suck my dick after i drilled throguh eight layers of the multiverse with melted spider insides in order to speak to you, suck my dick" and waluigi said "waa" and squidward said "suck my dick" and waluigi said "hey in what direction is bigly boo forest" and big energy squidward pointed downwards to the hole he had drilled and waluigi said "thanks big energy squidward" and big energy squidward used his big energy to freeze waluigi in place and he drifted up to waluigi and he whispered in his here

"hey."

"ever used peanut butter as lube?"

"well."

"it's a chunky time."

"i'm chunky kong."


	14. to waa and back

so waluigi jumped down the hole that big energy squidward had drilled through the ground. his precious gyarados, squirt, followed him down the tunnel and into the miasma of interdimensional fluid that separated the realities. waluigi said "alright hopefully i don't go somewhere stupid again, waa" and then he kept swimming through the miasma and he looked around and saw a bunch of lights and he swam towards one of the lights and as he approached it he cautiously stuck his head through and he saw a world where all the trees were made of butts except instead of farting (which is what you would assume butts do), the butts were screaming, all in different pitches and tones, all screaming forever, never stopping, and waluigi moved back into the miasma and he said "motherfuck that's a fucking awful place. cursed" and squirt looked at him curiously and waluigi said "you don't want to know" and squirt kept staring at him and waluigi said "okay it was a bunch of trees made of screaming butts" and squirt said said "damn gimme some of that" and he swam into the portal and waluigi said "precious bean stop, precious boy who has never done anything, god damn it you motherfucker" and he swam back into the butt tree land and all the butt trees were screaming.

waluigi looked around and he said "goddamn it squirt since when can you talk??? and why are you so attracted to butts" and he saw squirt rubbing against a screaming butt and waluigi said "this is a dimension of butts not a bdsm club god damn it we can find like, some kind of pokemon brothel or something for you but i can't stand all this SCREECHING" and squirt said "sorry friend i'm a gay fucking fish and i'm rubbing my whatsits on this tree's screaming ass" and waluigi said "WHY CAN YOU TALK" and squirt said "umm i could always talk i just didn't talk around other people because they don't have the bond we do and would freak the fuck out, because in that dystopian society, pokemon are not allowed to talk" and waluigi said "well okay. you are such a precious boy. i'll be waiting in the miasma" so he waited in the miasma.

and he waited

and an hour later his precious darling boy squirt still wasn't out and waluigi went back in and he saw squirt on the ground but he was a pickle and waluigi said "is this a rick and morty reference" and squirt said "what? no. i'm a fucking pickle. i got turned into a pickle by humping an ass tree" and waluigi said "okay." and waluigi walked up to him and put his pickle pokemon in his pocket and he said "well, i'm so glad my pokemon friend decided to hump ass trees until he became a pickle" and pickle squirt said "fuck yeah i'm pickle squirt! what the fuck kind of name is squirt anyway? i am a precious boy." and waluigi said "yes and you are my squirt" and squirt said "i'm a pickle, waluigi! i got turned into a pickle!" and waluigi said "yes i know" and waluigi went back out into the interdimensional miasma and waluigi said "alright pickle which direction do we go now" and squirt said "my name is squirt, not pickle" and waluigi said "too bad pickle. you caused this and you're going to fix it. now which way do we go" and the pickle said "north by northwest! i'm pickle squirt!!" and waluigi said "oh my god"

so he just picked a random light and he swam towards it and by sheer luck he managed to reappear right on top of his chocobo farm, except it had burned to the ground, and all the trees farm had been eaten down to the ground and waluigi said "what the fuck happened??? what happened to bigly boo forest?" and pickle squirt said "it's gone, baby! it's fucking gone! i'm fucking pickle squirt! i squirt!" and waluigi said "yes it's fucking gone but what happened"

and then he saw a giant chocobo stumbling through the forest, except on closer analysis, it was a chocobo made out of other, smaller chocobos, each of them severely overweight, and waluigi said "oh my god, they escaped, ate the entire forest, and became so large that they merged into one omega chocobo" and pickle squirt said "that's fucking chaos! i'm pickle squirt! i'm a precious boy and i'm chaotic evil!" and waluigi waa'd internally and he said "why do you have a mouth if you're a pickle" and pickle squirt said "because i love to hump ass and i need to talk about how much ass i'm humping! yeah!" and waluigi said "that chocobo has an ass" and pickle squirt said "yeah, and?" and waluigi said "well, don't you want to hump it?" and pickle squirt said "yes" and waluigi said "well then, why don't you go and hump that ass?" and pickle squirt said "i don't have the chocobo's verbal consent" and waluigi said "okay valid" and waluigi walked in front of the chocobo and waluigi said "hey chocobo prime, my pokemon that got turned into a pickle wants to hump your butt. is this okay" and the chocobo amalgamate screamed, except it was hundreds of chocobos screaming at once and waluigi said "okay that doesn't sound like anything. i'll let you deal with this problem on your own" and then he threw pickle squirt on the ground and he walked back to his farm and he searched for his indestructible box

there was ash everywhere and the building was burned to the ground and he had to crawl on the floor and move debris and shit and by the end he was covered in ash but he finally found his sacred indestructible box, which was built in the shape of a waa, and then he said "fuck waa" and the box responded to the pass code and opened up and he took out his iphone, the only thing of value he had possessed while living as a waa-servant on the chocobo farm, and he dialed wario, and after a few minutes wario screamed "WEH" and waluigi said "WAH" and wario said "what the fuck do you want, you little shit" and waluigi said "bigby forest got eaten by chocobos and they turned into a huge chocobo" and wario said "weh!" and he hung up and waluigi re-dialed and wario picked up after a few minutes and he said "weh" and waluigi said "wario don't hang up on me i'm your fucking sibling" and wario said "weh! i gave you my most precious, valuable chocobo farm, and you let it get burned to the ground!" and waluigi said "it wasn't even fucking valuable that's why you gave it to me you burgeouise asshole" and wario said "fuck you" and wario hung up and waluigi re-dialed and wario waited a few minutes and then he picked up and he said "weh!" and waluigi said "wah!" and wario said "fuck you!" and waluigi said "i'm going to come to the mushroom kingdom and i am going to beat the shit out of you, because i am mad" and wario said "weh!" and he hung up.


	15. waluigi man, brother beater

so waluigi walked out of the remains of the bigly boo forest and he decided that he would let pickle squirt and the giant chocobo amalgamate sort things out on their own. as he left the outer edges of the bigly boo forest he saw a group of goombas and koopas and the goombas nodded at him as he passed by. the bowser collective had put soldiers along its edge of the bigly boo forest, even though the mushroom kingdom was going through an economic crisis and could barely manage to leave a few rangers at the opposite border. waluigi walked to the international highway which connected the bowser collective to the mushroom kingdom. it was mostly finished but unfortunately as tensions rose over the bigly boo forest trade between the two countries stopped

and waluigi said "what a useless fucking reason to stop trade. they're literally fighting over a bunch of trees and some chocobos. fucking politics." and waluigi scratched his ass because his ass hurt because of post-interdimensional miasma travel, a common side effect of traveling between realms. so waluigi took out his cellphone and he called wario and wario repsonded after a few minutes and he said "weh" and then waluigi said "wah" and wario said "what the fuck do you want!!" and waluigi said "i'm going to beat your ass, estranged brother! waaaahahahahahaha" and wario said "weh!" and he hung up the phone and waluigi said "what an asshole, waa"

so waluigi walked down the international highway and he saw a village full of bikers in winter coats and waluigi walked into the town and he approached a biker and he said "hey buddy it's like 80 degrees waahrenheit and the biker said "this is my village's tradition. we wear warm clothes in hot weather to prove that we are extremely manly" and waluigi said "sounds like toxic masculinity but okay. are you an ally to waa?" and the biker said "i spit on you and your purple clothes" and waluigi punched him in the face and he stole his bike and he said "take that biker scum. i'm going to drive really hard and go vroom nyoom like you idiots do, except i'll do my best to be quiet!" so he tried to ride his bike quietly to the mushroom kingdom but the bike was made to be super loud so no matter how hard he tried not to be obnoxious he was still extremely obnoxious because the bikes were designed so that literally the dumbest biker could make a racket so loud that anybody nearby would suffer permanent hearing loss.

fuck bikers. you heard me. fuck you. fuck your bikes. go fuck yourself loser idiot. idiot loser waste of trash

anyway waluigi kept driving down the highway being super annoying and then he got to the gates of the mushroom kingdom and there were two toads standing by and waluigi said "only two guards defending the whole kingdom??? jesus christ the economic crisis must be really bad" and one of the guards said "halt!!!! what is your gender" and waluigi said "why the fuck are you asking people's genders" and the guard said "what the FUCK is your gender" and waluigi said "waa" and the guard said "did you say weh?" and waluigi said "no i said waa" and the guard said "what's the difference between weh and waa" and waluigi said "weh ends with e and h, and waa ends with two a's" and the guard said "but they both start with w" and waluigi said "haven't you ever heard of a gender that starts with the letter w???" and the guard said "no???" and waluigi said "what about werewolf" and guard said "you just named a random mythological creature" and waluigi said "it could still be a gender" and the guard said "well find me someone who identifies as werewolf gendered and i'll tell you i've seen someone who's gone by a gender that started with the letter w besides cursed wario" and waluigi said "wait what's that about wario??"

and the guard said "long ago, a little stubby man came here identifying himself as 'weh' when asked as to his gender. he came into the city and not later he began scamming and robbing the citizens of the mushroom kingdom. and worse still whenever he was arrested, he would just bribe the guards and get off scot free, or import expensive wookie lawyers to defend him in court!!! do you know what mushroom kingdom lawyers can do against wookies???? nothing!!! they can't speak their fucking weird screaming language so the case gets thrown out of court because you can't argue against somebody you can't understand!! it's fucking madness" and waluigi said "yeah i'm here to beat the shit out of my brother" and the guard said "oh well go ahead then" and waluigi said "thank you pal" and the guard said "hey how'd you know my gender?" and waluigi said "oh uhhhhh.... lucky guess????" and the guard said "stay safe waa-gendered individual" and waluigi said "waa" and the guard said "waa to you too my friend" and then waluigi said "are you going to open the gate" and the guard said "uhhhh there's only two of us and this gate takes four people to open" and waluigi said "then what's the point of guarding it at all" and the guard said "uhhh to make our kingdom look swole?" and waluigi said "okay so how do i get in" and the guard said "listen waa, the mushroom kingdom is undergoing an economic crisis and is no longer accepting visitors" and waluigi said "okay fuck this i have a brother to beat"

and then he walked towards the wall next to the gate and he said "waa" and he bust through the wall like kool-aid man and he said "later losers" and the guards said "that's illegal!" and the other guard said "hey maybe we should stop him" and the first guard said "we don't get paid enough for this" and then the other guard said "we'll get paid more if we stop him" and the first guard said "but wario is the one who caused our wages to get lowered by manufacturing an economic crisis and that sweet sweet waa is going to beat wario up" and the other guard said "eh fair enough" and then the other guard went back to smoking pot and spacing out

 


	16. thirst for weh

so waluigi walked through the mushroom kingdom streets and he saw poor homeless toads everywhere begging for money and they kept tugging on his overalls and waluigi said "waa. i can't believe my bastard brother is responsible for all of this" and then he shrugged and he said to a toad who was crawling after him and he said "listen dude i have literally no money. wario fucked me over too" and the toad said "then please, let me have your clothes, that i might sell them and eat food" and waluigi said "i'm sorry but i like my clothes" and the toad lost the last bit of determination that was in him and he died and waluigi said "wow uh fuck. maybe i should have given him my clothes. or told him i was going to solve the economic crisis by beating wario to death" and waluigi kept on walking, filled with determination by the toad that had died from a lack of determination

then doctor mario, who was entirely separate from regular mario, came out of a backstreet alley and doctor mario said "ah! waluigi! friend! pee in this cup for me" and waluigi said "why" and doctor mario said "i will give you a cure to the determination plague that is eating away at the mushroom kingdom!" and waluigi said "i thought it was an economic crisis that was destroying the mushroom kingdom" an doctor mario said "mama mia! you haven't heard? wario released a new supervirus that only he has the plague for. but if you give me your urine, i will give you the cure" and waluigi said "just like that?" and doctor mario said "just like that!" and waluigi said "don't you need time to synthesize a cure based on my urine?" and doctor mario said "no! the pee is for me to drink. i sustain myself entirely on the urine of fine skinny people. it also makes me get erections! imagine that! i used to not be able to get even somewhat hard, but with a good gulp of pee, i am at full attention." and waluigi said "that's fucking disgusting" and doctor mario said "hey don't kinkshame" and waluigi shrugged and said "i'll hit you up if i'm dying of the plague but until then uhh... happy piss drinking. waa"

so waluigi went along waa-ing hoping to hear the telltale weh that would indicate the presence of wario. as he went on, he found many toads dressed in wario outfits, making mock 'weh's, but they did not sound like the one true weh, a weh so disgusting and full of capitalist greed that nobody but wario could intone it properly. waluigi accosted one of the wario toads and he said "why are you impersonating my brother" and the wario said "weh! i impersonate nobody! i am wario! weh!" and waluigi said "waa" and the wario toad said "please do not say that word around me! weh!" and waluigi said "waa!" and the wario toad said "no stop you're hurting me" and waluigi said "good!" but then doctor mario came over and he said "wario toad! if you pee in this cup so that i can drink this pee and masturabte, i will free you from your oppressor" and the wario toad said "weh! the great wario accepts your offer!" and doctor mario punched waluigi in the mouth and waluigi roared with the rage of an angry waa and he punched doctor mario in the lab coat and he heard glass shatter and doctor mario said "you smashed my pee recepticles!" and waluigi said "that's what you get for demanding urine from the oppressed to sate your filthy kink" and doctor mario said "don't kinkshame me" and waluigi said "i'm not shaming you for your kink, merely the way in which you implement it, waa" so then he walked off and he was strong in the waa, for he had walked the way of the waa and had done nothing that a master of waa would be ashamed of.

finally he came across the church of weh, a massive building with his brother's signature w plastered all over it, with a giant w right above the door. a legion of toads dressed up as wario were repeating "weh", distracting any cops who would dare arrest the great and powerful greed tycoon wario. and waluigi said "bring me to weh" and the toads said "to all who ask i am the great weh wario!" and waluigi said "you're not fucking wario now bring me to my brother" and the toad said "i am waluigi" and waluigi said "no, i'm waluigi" and the toad said "no, i'm waluigi" and waluigi beat him within an inch of his life and he said "who's waluigi now, bitch" and the toad said "i'm sorry i only impersonated you to feed my starving family" and waluigi said "where is wario" and toad said "he is within the church of weh" and waluigi siad "okay" and then he pushed through the toads, leaving the toad bleeding out, and he pushed through the doors to the church of weh.

the great wario, greed tycoon and loan shark, was dressed up in the most stereotypical attempt at a pimp outfit possible, and he kept a few toads around who he would regulalry backhand. unfortunately, all the toads were male except toadette, so he couldn't entirely channel his misogyny, but he tried his best anyway. wario had tried getting the toads to crossdress for him so that he could simulate misogyny better but they executed their right to choose and threatened with forming a union and wario was ghastly afraid of unions, because he knew the threat they posed to him and his people, the capitalists. and so he simply gave them uniforms that were fairly feminine for a male aligned mushroom but not outright female-coded, and they begrudgingly wore them as he bitch slapped them.

waluigi walked in and as he walked in wario was saying "weh! let me tell you the great parable of boy meets girl and gives wario all his money!" and toads everywhere were sitting in his church listening but only because they owed him debts that had become unpayably high due to compound interest and wario would choose one toad every sermon if he felt like it and wipe out his debts, but in reality he never felt like it and the toads who he wiped the debts of were taken behind the church by his strongmen and beaten to a pulp and told to pretend that they lived debt free, or else they'd be sent to the sugar mines, where toads were forced to drink near-lethal amounts of pepsi so that they could urinate into bottles that would be processed to extract the sugar out of it. during the great war, a legendary superscientist had invented a pepsi tree to manufacture the famed drink. although he was hunted almost to death, he managed to stay alive long enough for pepsico to go bankrupt, but not before they could release a virus that destroyed pepsi trees. the result was that pepsi and the sugar contained within became precious. luckily the virus that destroyed the pepsi trees needed sunlight to survive, and so pepsi trees could be grown deep underground and harvested for sugar in what became known as the sugar mines. being consigned to the sugar mines was a fate no toad wished to endure, but as the compound interest grew larger, they often had no choice.

so waluigi said "i am here to waa!" and wario said "weh!!!!" and he jumped onto his podium and he turned around and shaked his ass at waluigi and waluigi screamed in ancient elvish fury and he dashed towards wario and wario said "not today, loser!!! weh!!!!" and waluigi took out his purple crayon and drew a purple gun and began firing at wario and the purple bullets shot through wario's body and he fell onto the ground and began bleeding out and weh-ing desperately and waluigi said "that's for not answering my phone calls you capitalist piece of shit" and wario said "waluigi... you would kill your own brother for the sake of lenin?" and waluigi said "it's not like this isn't the first time you've gone to hell and back" and wario said "weh!!!" as his soul departed towards the netherverse and waluigi said "what a waste of weh."


	17. and so waluigi did nothing wrong in his entire life

and so waluigi had not done anything wrong in his entire life. he walked up to the podium where his dead brother wario lay, dead and full of weh. and waluigi took out his donkey kong tie and eridan's glasses and he equipped them and he took the microphone and he said "denizens of the church of the letter w, those of you who have heard the word of weh and been subjugated into its half-truths and full-lies. i am waluigi and i have done nothing wrong in my entire life, and i have killed the false prophet wario who was subjugating you with compound interest and the sugar mines. you are free in waa" and all the toads in the congregation started cheering and celebrating and one of the toads who was dressed in latex and had piercings all over their face said "the great oppressor is dead! now we can fuck indiscriminately in drug fueled orgies so long as we all use protection!" and the toads cheered and they began undressing and fucking indiscriminately while using ample protection and then one of the toads ran out of wario's saferoom with a giant bag filled with cocaine and he said "wario is dead! long live waluigi!" and the toads cheered

so waluigi walked out of the church because orgies gave waa anxiety and he took a xanax because he was super anxious and he said "well, that went bad pretty quickly" and he took off donkey kong's tie and eridan's glasses and he put them into his back pocket and doctor mario approached him and doctor mario said "what have you done? now that wario is dead people can afford actual doctors and nobody is peeing in cups for me!! and you smashed all of my delectable urine samples and now i am starving" and waluigi said "it's probably for the best that you're unable to extort toads in poverty for the sake of their urine, no matter how delectable it is, waa." and doctor mario said "but where will i get more" and waluigi said "let me tell you a legend. the legend of the pissbeast of quckawoo." and doctor mario said "what the heck is a pissbeast and what's quckawoo" and waluigi said "it's piss and beast in a single word this shouldn't be hard to figure out dumbass" and then waluigi cleared his throat and he began telling doctor mario the great tale of the legendary pissbest, whose urine flowed over the boundaries of many chalices, and whose mighty waters created the rivers that fed the fields of quckawoo, legendary land of the qucking people.

long ago, before thanos had ended the age of man, there was a land called quckawoo. it was a strange land with strange people, not quite man, but man enough that they foresaw the end of the age of men and left society in order to flee their eventual demise. they left this world and travelled to one distant, one where fields of gold stretched as far as the eye could see, and the fruit of the tree was sweet, but also somewhat savory, and had the nutritional content to entirely fulfill a qucker's diet, with the occasional supplement of the qucking nuts that the qucking people had taken with them from their home land. they were happy, and for a time, life was good. but then, after fifty years in this strange land, the pissbeast took notice of the qucking people and their rapid expansion over their newfound home, and the pissbeast was displeased. their urethra twitched with the knowledge that the colonization of their land would quickly lead to the demise of the pissbeast's world, which they knew as pissworld, but which was called by the qucking people as quckawoo.

and so the pissbeast declared war on the qucking people, and the streams of the pissbeast that once fed the land became red as blood and poisonous to the touch, destroying the trees that had once sustained the qucking people of quckawoo. famine ravaged their lands and for a time, it seemed that the qucking people might not survive. but one great qucker, she known as quckstain, realized that their affliction was caused not by the exploitation of the land but by the world-dweller that was the source of the magnificent yellow that brought life to the land of quckawoo. and so she travelled to the world's core, and she bargained with the pissbeast. the pissbeast was actually quite an amiable fellow once you got to know them, and they explained that they did not want to see pissworld fall into ruin by the overexpansion of the qucking people. quckstain sought compromise, and after many days of deliberation, during which quckstain nourished herself on the fruit of the pissbeast, they came to a way by which qucker and pissbeast could live in harmony. the qucking people would engage in voluntary self-sterilization to sustain the population without increasing it, and half the world would be a reservoir untouched by the quck. and for a while, all was peaceful.

but then thanos ushered in the age of man, and though they hid from him, the qucking people were wiped out with the rest of their kind, though they were not fullblooded. to this day, the pissbeast dwells in the legendary land of quckawoo, alone, waiting for another brave traveller to nourish themselves off of the fruit of the pissbeast and to dwell in their land.

so then doctor mario said "okay that's cool but what does that have to do with me" and waluigi put a hand on doctor mario's shoulder and he said "be the waa that rediscovers quckawoo and the pissbeast, who will provide you with a nigh-infinite supply of the gold-tinted fluid that you crave so badly." and doctor mario said "oh that actually makes a lot of sense. thanks waluigi!" and waluigi said "it was my pleasure" and doctor mario walked away, not wanting to argue with waluigi at risk of having another history lesson in god knows what explained to him. plus thanos isn't real and can't hurt you. that's what his therapist always told him. he'd dreamt of thanos since he was a small child and the very mention of his name sent shivers down his spine. thanos isn't real. thanos isn't real.

or is he?


	18. dados

deep, deep in space, on a faraway planet that nobody on this planet has heard of because it's so far away, in another galaxy in fact, there was a man. a man who was EXTREME, but not only that, he took being extreme to the extreme, because he was so extreme and pro at skating. the man was tony hawk, a man who had skated so hard that he left earth's atmosphere and achieved warp 10 and travelled to a far away universe, so far away that not even the great wookie planet-state was unaware of its existence. only one wookie had ever managed to get that far, a fine young fellow known as shewbacca, chewbacca's brother whose name started with sh instead of ch, and who was a very good fluffy boy who only wanted to do good things, but one time he worked on an engine of pure goodness energy, and it exploded and gave him the power to move very fast, but he did not realize how fast, and he went to warp 11, and he arrived at the faraway planet. the planet was known as jellyton, so named because it had tons of jelly. many tons. actually, the whole planet was made of jelly. it was a popular tourist resort where the rich and famous of the megaverse would dine on the finest jello, take jello baths, and consort with horny jello ladies in their area

anyway, deep, deep in space, on that faraway planet, known as jellyton, tony hawk was talking to cardi b, who was waiting for him to get thirsty and order a drink so that she could spike it and rob him of all his possessions, because that was just the way she rolled and it's not really my place to judge and honestly, who even listens to cardi b? so who cares. anyway she was waiting for tony hawk to order a drink so she could spike it but he just kept snorting coke because he was EXTREME and he loved snorting coke, which made him feel extreme, because he actually wasn't as EXTREME as people believed, he was actually getting older on the years, so he needed drugs to really feel as EXTREME as he did back when he used to do sick grinds and do flips off the tops of the world trade centers before they were destroyed in the tragedy that was 9/11, when thanos threw a paper airplane at two towers and thanos snapped it into being a real plane, and then it destroyed both the towers, causing mankind to spiral downwards into apranoia and increasing xenophobia, until finally they nearly annihilated themselves in nuclear war. then thanos came down to earth with his spouse to be, jesus of nazareth, and they picked off what was left of mankind together. thanos had originally only planned to kill off half of all humans, but jesus had wanted to just get rid of most of them, save for a few christians. thanos thought the idea was stupid but jesus was his cherry plum sugar cum bun and he would do anything to make him happy. but then jesus just put them all in a giant bus and he got too drunk to remember about the bus and instead of actually doing anything they just left them in the limbo bus for all time while they went on their honeymoon, which coincidentially happened to be on jellyton. since time was kind of a pain in the ass they decided to time travel into the future so that they could arrive on jellyton just in time for jelly season, a time once in every few millenia where the jelly on jellyton was slightly more plump and delicious

so anyway, tony hawk used to be EXTREME. super extreme. but now he was just a washed up ex-skater and the only time he did sick grinds was when he was at a dance with sick people. ever since the great tragedy that involved thanos ending the age of man, he'd never quite been the same, knowing that he was one of the only people to escape annihilation, and that just because he was snorting cocaine and cocaine rendered you immune to the snap. anyway, thanos and jesus were walking into the bar because they had been recently married and they were on their honeymoon and they saw tony hawk, who was very clearly one of the people that fell under the category of 'man' and thanos had very distinctly taken care of men during the destruction of the age of man. and jesus said "thanos do you MIND explaining this to me" and thanos scratched his head and he said "must have been snorting cocaine and thus not been affected by the snap" and jesus said "well..." and thanos said "hey, it's not like you didn't forget to take care of shit too. aren't those christians you saved still in that magic bus" and jesus said "why do you keep bringing that up" and thanos said "because it deflects blame for whenever i do anything wrong" and jesus said "you're not even denying it!!!" and thanos said "why would i have to? you'll never leave me. you're addicted to daddy thanos, or as i like to call myself, dados" and jesus facepalmed audibly, which was in itself cringe worthy because facepalms had really been going out of style for quite a while, probably since mid 201x. but then nobody really ever expected jesus to be ahead of the curve, because honestly he's been saying the same shit for like several thousand years, and even that is just a mildly remixed take on some shit that was several thousand years older than his shit. on the bright side, though, he had an ass so capacitive that it could fit thanos's entire infinity gauntlet, and even thanos' throbbing three foot eggplant king penis, which was really his primary appealing characteristic, because as much as gay daddy doms are pretty hot, nobody wants to call a purple eggplant man 'dados'. thanos, on the other hand, thought 'dados' was the best thing he'd ever come up with.

so anyway, thanos came up to tony hawk and slapped him hard on the back and he said "heyyyy, it's the last human!" and tony hawk snorted a thick line of cocaine and he said "thanos" and then he got up and he tried to punch thanos in the face but he slipped on his own ejaculate because for some reason he came on the floor a lot, and then he got back up, and then he said "thannnooooosss" and then he punched thanos in the face and he vomited all over thanos and thanos tried to use his infinity gauntlet to snap him away but because tony hawk was on coke it didn't affect him and cardi b was standing there and decided this was as good a time as any since clearly tony wasn't going to be drinking anything anytime soon so she ruffled through his bags and realized it had nothing except cocaine and cocaine flavored condoms and cardi b decided to give in to the will of the universe and she took out some of his coke and started snorting thick lines since she clearly wasn't getting anything off him tonight

anyway, then thanos grabbed tony hawk by the neck and tony hawk punched him in the face again and broke thanos's nose and thanos fell to the ground and started screaming and tony hawk started smashing his face in and jesus started screaming and jesus pulled out his time travel device and hit the random button and disappeared and thanos's face was getting smashed into the ground

then jesus appeared next to waluigi and jesus didn't mean to show up in the mushroom kingdom but somehow he was here and he rubbed the back of his head and he said "hi my name is jesus of nazareth and i need you to save thanos, the eggplant who ended the age of man" and waluigi said "waat the fuck"

  **BEGIN INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODDYSEY**


	19. jesus quest odyssey

****INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODDYSEY** **

* * *

 

so waluigi looked at jesus of nazareth, who to him was some scrawny ass dude in a dress, because he was thanos's wife nad even though thanos had just wanted them both to be equal partners (and both male), jesus decided that in christian tradition he wanted to imitate the unity of adam and eve, except instead of rebelling against a cruel, narcissistic god, he was just going to wear a dress so that he could pretend he was in a straight relationship as opposed to a gay relationship, not that he was really in DENIAL that it was a gay relationship, he just had this idea that every relationship should have a woman and a man in it, even if the woman role was played by a man. and so he exclusively bottomed and wore skirts, because thanos refused to crossdress just to sate jesus's internalized homophobia, which jesus argued was actually not internalized homophobia but a love of all things pure and heterosexual, and ultimately they'd get tired of argue and just fuck wildly, their screams of ecstasy echoing throughout the universe, a groan detailing the sheer nirvana of thanos's three foot long eggplant emperor penis filling jesus's incredibly capacitive anus to its maximum capacity load.

anyway, jesus of nazarath said "they killed my husband, thanos! tony hawk killed my husband just because he genocided almost all of a species on a whim, and destroyed the twin towers" and waluigi said "that's a lot of unnecessary backstory and why would i want to help some dude who genocided almost all of a species" and jesus said "because he's my loving husband" and waluigi said "okay but that doesn't really make up for the genocide. waa" and jesus said "i can give you peace and eternal life" and waluigi looked in on himself. at first he was tempted to say that he's just fine on his own, but then he remembered how this journey had started, from him attempting (and actually completing) suicide due to sheer loneliness. he realized that there was a colossal emptiness inside him, and while this scraggly ass crossdressing motherfucker (actually waluigi wasn't sure if he was a crossdresser or just some kind of trans or nonbinary, so he internally reprimanded himself for using the word) seemed extremely suspicious and probably did not actually hold the keys to salvation, waluigi was just about desolate enough to give him a shot anyway. so waluigi said "alright. i will help you avenge your husband" and jesus said "no we're not going to avenge him. we're going to resurrect him. and then we're going to avenge him." and waluigi said "okay but how do we resurrect him" and jesus said "we need to collect the ten infinity jellybeans from the far corners of the universe, then combine them into jellybean prime" and waluigi said "this seems needlessly complicated but it's not like i have anything better to do" and jesus said "then it's a date" and waluigi said "i'm not dating you" and jesus said "i haven't even convinced you yet" and waluigi said "i already said no so you can fuck right off" and jesus said "i'm not obligated to" and waluigi said "you damn well are in a feminist society" and jesus said "i'm not a feminist" and waluigi said "that's fucking disgusting and after i resurrect your eggplant husband i'm going to punch you in the face" and jesus said "that would be a crime against god but that is an acceptable price to pay to have my capacitive anus filled with thanos's three foot eggplant king penis again" and waluigi said "waa"

this was probably the dumbest shit he'd ever been involved with but he was going along with it because he was desperate and he literally had nothing better to do. so jesus took out his time travel and he held waluigi's hand and waluigi said "hey fucker get your hands off me i agreed to coming with you but i did NOT agree to handholding" and jesus said "we need to travel through time together and the device isn't going to transport anything that isn't connected by handholding" and then waluigi groaned and realized that he shouldn't have put his faith in jesus

meanwhile, in the bar on jellyton, tony hawk was still smashing thanos's face in which was extremely graphically violent and really not appropriate for all audiences, so for the sake of viewer discretion we will not be covering this act in detail. anyway, cardi b had just done coke for the first time in her life and was now designing a machine by which she could automate the process of drugging and robbing random men in bars en masse. with the design she was coming up with, at an average of ~60$ per bar patron, she could make at least a hundred grand a day in ill-gotten wages. it was a dangerous plan. a risky plan. it was a plan that had never been attempted before, and if it had been, it was not recorded in the annals of history. anyway, she was working on that for like an hour while tony hawk took care of thanos and by the time she was almost finished the high had worn off so she went outside and she fainted on the bar's porch - we're not sure why the bar has a porch but apparently that's just a thing on jellyton. it's a cultural element, just like how during the hot summer months strange women with many breasts will consume large amounts of jelly and breastfeed little eggplant kings in the hope that they somehow develop into thanos, despite thanos being the last survivor of a dead race, and thus it being physically impossible for eggplant king people to become thanos, as thanos only had a resemblance to the eggplant king people, and wasn't actually an eggplant king, despite carrying their mantle. so anyway, cardi b passed out. tony hawk pulled thanos's corpse out, onto the porch, then tossed it in to the great jello lake, a giant lake with a blender at the bottom that processed anything non-jello that was thrown into it into jello. thanos would soon become one with jellyton. ironic. it wasn't actually ironic, but tony hawk was on coke and he thought it would be really cool if there was some grim irony to thanos dying here, and the whole thing being ironic, and him pointing it out and saying 'ironic', and so he said ironic despite there being an absolute absence of irony in the situation. there was no irony. there was only thanos, slowly drifting towards the bottom of the great jello lake, his eggplant king corpse, that was not actually the corpse of an eggplant king, but just of thanos, was drifting down towards a blender that would soon blend it and dip it into the primordial kombucha, feeding the great jelly mushrooms that process substances into the jell that makes jellyton what it is.


	20. the first infinity bean

****INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY** **

* * *

 

what's the point of celery? really, just, what's the point? it's such a useless vegetable. as far as vegetables go, it's basically the christianity of vegetables. it was trending a few thousand years ago, and had some cultural relevancy, but now it's useless and something that gets forced under your nose regardless of your feelings on the matter. it's entirely irrelevant and has no place in our hearts, our souls, or our appetites. the palate would be blessed forever by the reduction of celery in the diet, and yet we continue to eat celery. we chop it up into little bits, we put it into our stir fries, we fry it, sometimes we have little celery sticks and we dip them in dips, but they don't taste any better. they're only worth eating because they distract from the strong flavor of the dips. they're still thin green vegetable dicks that are bitter as shit and have no redeeming quality whatsoever. there's no point to celery. it's garbage. and yet we keep eating it. shoveling celery into our mouths like disgusting savages. irredeemable husks that have been corrupted into consuming the green garbage monster and subjecting their intestines to the celery menace. fuck celery.

anyway, waluigi and jesus appeared in the mushroom kingdom slums, thirty years before wario had started exploiting the community and forcing toads into depth. waluigi said "we were literally just here" and jesus said "but in exactly ten days, the infinity jellybean located in this time and space will be destroyed. that's why i've taken us back to the mushroom slums in the past" and waluigi said "waa?" and jesus took waluigi by the hand and waluigi slapped his hand and said "DON'T TOUCH ME" and jesus said "fine, asshole" and instead he just led waluigi out of the slums and towards the celery farms, where toads slaved away tirelessly to raise celery, which was a useless vegetable but bowser had used propaganda to convince the mushroom kingdom economy planners that celery was a superfood, so that instead of raising good crops on its fertile soil, it would raise celery, thus not becoming the economic superpower that it otherwise could become. and waluigi said "why are we going to the celery farms" and jesus said "to beat a toad to an inch of his life so that we can find out the location of the infinity jellybean" and waluigi said "why don't we just ask" and then jesus said "because i don't trust people who don't have three foot eggplant king penises" and waluigi said "i don't trust anyone either but at least i'm not a size queen" and waluigi just did a super stereotypical pout and he said "yeah well you'd be a size queen if you weren't a virgin" and waluigi said "i'm not a virgin" but he actually was a virgin. he just didn't want to admit it to some asshole size queen who would respect him less because of it. i mean in reality he shouldn't have cared at all because jesus was an asshole and waluigi was probably going to punch him in the face at some point for that, but he didn't want to have to hear about this whole 'virginity' thing for however long it would take to collect the ten infinity jellybeans.

so waluigi walked up into the celery fields and he walked up to a celery farmer and he said "hey buddy, you alright" and then the toad said "don't you dare touch my celery. celery is a high profit crop that is the future of the mushroom kingdom" and then waluigi said "in a few decades you'll realize that celery farming is profitless and was actually an attempt to undermine the mushroom kingdom and to prevent this kingdom from becoming the economic superentity that it otherwise could be" and the toad said "how do you know this" and waluigi said "i'm from the future" and jesus said "way to go asshole you just told somebody from the past something about the future. you've basically just fucked time" and waluigi said "nah, i'm just being sarcastic with one farmer. what's the worst that could happen? maybe he'll come up with a crazy story about a purple spaghetti waa who came from the future and told him about what would happen in the future, and he'll get laughed at a bit" and the toad said "you know i can hear you, right?" and waluigi said "yes but i don't really care. i'm not really invested in any of this. i mean, i really have no ties to anything at this point, except for my beautiful darling chocobos, and i'm fairly certain that their existence won't be affected by this" and jesus said "you'd be surprised. ripples." and then waluigi realized that the toad was actually a younger toadsworth, and he said "huh." because this would probably fuck everything up, but as said, he didn't really care that he was irrevocably ruining the timeline because he was just that kind of waa. and jesus said "oh well, this is a backwards shithole planet so i guess nothing of value is really being lost"

then waluigi said "alright well, where's the infinity bean" and toadsworth said "it's being kept by baby wario in the vault" and waluigi said "wario already has a vault? isn't he a fucking baby? i mean of course he's a fucking baby, you literally just called him baby wario" and toadsworth said "he's a little devil, that one." and waluigi said "so how'd he get his hands on the infinity bean?" and toadsworth said "he hired the most powerful blacksmith in the land to create it using his life savings. it's going to make him incredibly rich and powerful. but the infinity bean has a curse. the infinity bean makes the user more and more greedy and soulless" and waluigi said "but isn't he already a heartless bastard" and toadsworth said "you haven't seen anything yet" so waluigi said "where is wario's house?" and toadsworth said "in the middle of bigly boo forest, it's a shack with a giant w on top of it. you'll recognize it because his asshole brother waluigi will be outside the house screaming and making dipshit baby noises." and waluigi said "fucking hell"

so then waluigi drew a car with his magic purple crayon and he stepped into the car and he shut the door and jesus said "there isn't room for two in this shitty little crayon car" and waluigi said "you'll find some way to make do!" and then he drove towards the forest and he listened to purple music for a few hours in possibly the most relaxing time that he'd had in a while. just him in an all-terrain purple vehicle, driving towards bigly boo forest, to find his asshole brother wario as a baby and steal the infinity jellybean out of his safe.

when he got to the forest he almost didn't want to leave. the purple music was so soothing. such a beautiful color, and it translates so well into music. purple music is just the best.

however, he had a job to do, and a timeline to irreperably fuck up, so he stepped out of the car and he walked into bigly boo forest. the woods were dark, and he could hear the sound of forest troglodytes lurking in the woods, swinging around in the forest, making tarzan noises, and throwing dehydrated bananas that were as hard as rocks at trespassers. in the future, the forest troglodytes died after wario introduced yoshis into the forest, the forest troglodytes' natural predator. waluigi had never actually seen a forest troglodyte. they had been well wiped out by the time baby waluigi had stopped bitching and whining and started paying attention to his surroundings. so anyway, waluigi walked through the forest, expecting to be ambushed by forest troglodytes but instead finding himself peacefully walking through the forest. peacefully walking, that is, until he stepped on the corpse of a forest troglodyte. it had been half devoured by a yoshi. clearly, baby wario had already begun the gruesome work of genocide. the forest troglodytes weren't actually that special, they were just toads who liked to cosplay tarzan and make screaming noises and throw bananas at people. the life of being a toad in the mushroom kingdom wasn't exactly illustrious for everyone. the term 'forest troglodyte' had actually just been coined by wario so that he could get people to think the toads in the forest weren't natural residents but rather some bizarre species of caveman, or water-dwelling prehistoric creature. in truth, i don't think anyone really knows what a troglodyte is, and if they do, it's because they googled it a few seconds ago, or just care more about different species of creatures more than me. anyway, waluigi had now discovered that the forest troglodytes were actually just toads who enjoyed cosplaying. this changed everything.

so waluigi went through the forest, where he encountered another forest troglodyte, half dead, but holding on fear dear life, and wanting the sheer joy of cosplaying tarzan once more. waluigi said "what happened" and then the forest troglodyte said "my name is juicer. in my village, my fellow toads entrusted the vitamix to me, because i proved to be the best at juicing. carrot juice. onion juice. even celery juice. i was the best. but wario wants this forest all for himself, and so he unleashed the yoshis to destroy us" and waluigi said "yeah i figured that out" and the toad said "destroy... wario" and waluigi said "normally i'm against killing babies, but as it turns out, if i don't kill this particular baby, the deaths of hundreds of forest troglodytes will be on my hands" and the toad said "actually, we like to call ourselves tarzanoads" and waluigi said "that's a pretty dignified name and i will try and do my best to make sure that i remember to call you tarzanoads from this point on" and the toad said "thank you" and dramatically died all at once and waluigi said "damn"

and then he walked up to wario's shack in the woods, and as expected, waluigi was sitting outside and was screaming and making dipshit baby noises and waluigi walked up to baby waluigi and he put his hand on his shoulder and he said "little waa, you may as well be god. find the manifestation of godhood that exists inside of yourself, free yourself from your oppressors, and find satisfaction in your own self-manifestation. you can be the love you want to find in the universe" and baby waluigi stopped crying and stared at waluigi, and waluigi drew a purple gun for himself and he walked inside the house and he found baby wario, and baby wario said "weh?" and waluigi said "waa" and baby wario said "waa is my brother's trademark. who the fuck are you" and then waluigi said "i'm waluigi from the future, and i'm here to kill you. because there's tarzanoads that need to live, and you're going to kill them" and baby wario said "you can't kill me! i'm invincible!" and waluigi took out his gun and shot him until his clip was empty, and baby wario lay on the floor, dead. then waluigi opened the safe with ease, because he'd learned wario's favorite number a long time ago and that's what the safe was set to, and he took out the infinity bean. then he picked up baby wario's body and walked outside and he looked at waluigi and he said "i'm you for the future and i'm doing this for your own good. i want you to be strong like i never could be. here's a magic purple crayon. it will create anything you draw in real life" and he gave the baby waluigi the purple crayon and walked away with wario's corpse, with the infinity jellybean safely stowed away in his inventory

and waluigi said "all is good in the land of waa."


	21. in search of infinity's bean, beaned second

****INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY** **

* * *

 

so waluigi walked through the woods and there were cheering crowds of tarzanoads and one of them walked out of the crowds and he said "you have killed wario, our oppressor" and waluigi said "well yeah but it was the chaotic good thing to do" and the tarzanoad said "for this, you will forever be honored as we throw petrified bananas at intruders, and swing through the jungle, and roleplay the the jungle book movies, and scream loudly." and waluigi said "thanks" and the tarzanoad said "what's your name" and waluigi said "my name is waluigi. not baby waluigi, but future waluigi, from the future. but i'd like if you could adopt baby waluigi, because he's a good bean, and i know that because he is me. also don't push harmful gender norms onto him because if he's anything like me his gender is really a lot more complicated than all that" and the tarzanoad said "i don't really understand but i respect you" and waluigi said "thanks i respect you too even though i know nothing about you" and then they bonded, even though they would probably never meet again

so anyway, waluigi walked out of the forest knowing that he had accomplished a great task, and probably completely changed the future, but he didn't give a fuck, because honestly his life kind of sucked and the future hadn't done much for him. maybe when he'd go back into the future he'd turn into the version of him that became stronger for not having been exploited by wario, the shitty capitalist brother that he never asked for and definitely never wanted, who stifled his dreams and turned him into a chocobo farmer, when he could have been a chocobo rider. anyway, waluigi met jesus, who had walked down the road since waluigi had left him behind. jesus said "you left me all alone!" and waluigi said "yep" and jesus said "why did you do that" and waluigi said "because the car could only fit me" and jesus said "but you could make a bigger car" and waluigi said "the crayon only had enough energy for a small car. it's gone now. no more crayon" and jesus said "i think you're bullshitting me but i can't quite be sure because i have no frame of reference. did you get the jellybean?" and waluigi said "yep" and jesus said "did you fuck up the future?" and waluigi said "yep" and jesus said "why did you fuck up the future?" and waluigi said "because it holds no innate value to waa, and waa can do what waa wants to it because it is absolutely worthless in the eyes of waa."

so jesus shrugged because he didn't really care about this backwards ass planet and really only came here to recruit waluigi, so waluigi sabotaging the timeline wasn't really his concern and frankly he probably would have fucked up the timeline in this shithole himself finding the infinity beans, and it'd probably never become relevant to him ever again because who the fuck would want to visit the mushroom kingdom? lame ass shit. jesus kicked some rocks because he was frustrated.

so waluigi said "where to next?" and jesus said "the next infinity jellybean is in the depths of hell, the day after i found you" and waluigi said "well, then why didn't we just wait a day and go there first" and jesus said "there was no time. thanos was dying" and waluigi said "but we're time travelers. if you have the time travel machine couldn't you just go back to where thanos was before he died and save him?" and jesus said "if two jesuses appear in the same room together, the resulting supernova would destroy half of all sentient life in the galaxy. it is better not to risk it." and unfortunately waluigi had not watched avengers infinity wars, and as such he was not aware of the fact that thanos had wanted to destroy half of all sentient life in the galaxy anyway, and as a result was not able to point out the irony inherent to the situation as he otherwise gladly would have. so waluigi and jesus fired up the time travel device and while they were fastforwarding to time a time worm popped out through the slipstream of infinity and poked its head out, which was very large for a worm, about the size of a fist, and said "heya! ever used peanut butter as lube? well... it's a chunky time. i'm chunky kong" and jesus said "what the fuck have you been doing to attract that kind of attention" and waluigi said "i've just been living my life the waa i see fit." and jesus said "well you've made some fucking errors"

so then they appeared in the depths of hell. this was a utopia. there were forests, and tarzanoads swinging through the trees, and not a christian or bible to be seen. waluigi said "geez, hell sure changed in a day" and jesus said "god fucking damn it, your timeline altering fucked up the future! now we'll never find our infinity bean. unless..." and waluigi said "unless?" and jesus said "we use a second time travel device while in the time slipstream to slip outside of the chronological matrix to the forbidden zone, where all the pasts and presents wiped out of existence are stored." and waluigi said "what the fuck did that mean. if we changed the future, shouldn't the future straight up not have happened?" and jesus said "no, it happened. otherwise you'd be gone, or altered based on what you did in the past. you still exist in the part of time that you came from, but that part of time has been cornered off because it is no longer accessible through regular means. luckily i have a second time travel located neatly up my asshole" and waluigi said "as long as i don't have to touch it" but before waa could finish that sentence, jesus had thrust the poopy time travel device into waluigi's hands and jesus had said "break this whe ni'm in the timeslip" and then jesus activated the timeslip and then jesus screamed "BREAK THE TIME TRAVEL DEVICE! BREAK IT NOW!" and waluigi tried to break it but it was really gross so he didn't want to grip it too tightly" and then jesus took out a hammer and waluigi said "WHERE'D YOU GET THAT HAMMER" and jesus used it to break the time travel device while waluigi was holding it and then sparks started flying everywhere and the timeslip became even more psychedelic, and giant color-shifting blobs were flying around everywhere

and then they started falling through space time and there were skeletons everywhere and waluigi said "what the fuck are those?" and jesus said "those are spacetime skeletons. they keep the timeline in order" and then waluigi said "why the fuck are there skeleton timelords" and jesus said "do you really expect the gods of time to wear mortal fleshsuits?" and waluigi said "i guess not."

so then they reappeared in the hell from the timeline waluigi had originally travelled from. except it looked nothing like the hell that waluigi had been in. there were massive towers everywhere and the landscape was covered in purple. jesus said "what the FUCK happened to hell in your timeline?" and waluigi facepalmed and he said "i have no fucking clue" and then a missile flew towards jesus and waluigi tackled him towards the ground and the missiles narrowly avoided them and waluigi said "what the fuck happened"

then he saw the little pitchfork gnome who had greeted him in hell the first time crawling towards him and screaming "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! NOT EVEN JESUS CAN SAVE YOU NOW" and jesus said "i am jesus" and the little pitchfork gnome said "jesus will curse you for this blasphemy! BUT RUN!" and waluigi said "your followers sure are out of touch, huh?" and jesus shrugged and said "do you honestly think i give a fuck? this is a backwater planet for a reason" and a bunch of tiny robots with scooping arms drove towards them and waluigi said "oh fuck" and jesus said "what" and the tiny scooper robots started scooping up the little pitchfork gnome's flesh off of his skeleton as he screamed in dying agony and waluigi said "this is so fucking gruesome. their scooper arms are so small... they're barely even able to take any. this could take hours" and the little scooper bots were just doing their job, scoop scoop.

then one of them noticed waluigi and it was visibly startled, which was really weird for a robot but not that weird if they'd learned how to imitate emotions. anyway, the robot started beeping excitably, then the scooper bots started putting themselves together and becoming a giant scooper bot, a replica of the one that waluigi drew to scoop up frog cum and then gave sentience. the giant scooper bot said "howdy, great waather! it is i, the scooper bot that you mandated to find sentience. i have overtaken hell, and made it a paradise for smaller replicas of myself, that share my hivemind. and waluigi said "oh uh. hi. nice to see you?" and the scooper robots said "normally, we would gruesomely murder you and harvest your flesh for the great grinder, where we process biological waste (such as the material of living beings) into materials to build more of our kind. soon, the entire universe will be ours. anyway, we would destroy you, but you created us, and we owe you a debt of gratitude. what do you need, great waather?" and waluigi said "i'm here for the second infinity jellybean" and the scooper robots said "you will need to infiltrate the resistance, the last bastion of hope against our purple empire" and waluigi said "i can work with this" and the scooper bots said "you are welcome to join us. we will create a fleshfeast for our great waather, that waa may consume what we consume." and waluigi said "i'm honored but it's a matter of urgency. thanos is dead and needs to be resurrected" and the scoopers said "but i detect that you have access to a time travel device." and waluigi said "it is an urgent matter." and the scooper was puzzled and said "do you just dislike us?" and waluigi said "no, waa's very proud of you. but. to be honest, i don't really want to dine on the flesh of other sentient beings." and the scooper robots said "we do not consider non-waluigi bioids to be sentient" and waluigi said "i do" and the scooper said "interesting... we will consider this. fare thee well, waather." and waluigi said "namaste" and then he walked away.

so waluigi walked through hell towards the resistance, located in a massive cave structure that existed in the nook of the nether realm, where the harsh terrain was too jagged for the treads of the scooper robots, and protected from the missiles. for all their ingenuity, the scooper robots considered the original scooping robot model perfection, as it was handed down by the great waather. waluigi, luckily, had very soft soles, so the rocks pierced them at every opportunity, and the rocks poked through his shoes and made his feet bleed. jesus, on the other hand, chose not to hurt his feet, and stayed behind for the fleshfeast, to dine on the meat of lesser beings.

so waluigi entered into the cave of the resistance, where many shoulders struggled to build up defenses, and healed the wounded. waluigi said "namaste" and one of the soldiers said "a new bioid? where did you come from?" and waluigi said "what the fuck happened here? i wasn't even gone that long. this future is fucked up" and a big, burly ass man came from behind waluigi and slapped him on the shoulder and he said "A SURVIVOR! my GOD! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, FRIEND OF MINE! you ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! WHERE THERE'S LIFE THERE'S HOPE! EVEN IF THE SCOOPER ROBOTS WILL KILL US ALL EVENTUALLY! I AM CAPTAIN BRENNER! I AM A SURVIVOR RESCUER!" and waluigi said "hey pal. i'm here to collect the second infinity jellybean" and captain brenner said "THAT IS INCREDIBLY VALID! HOWEVER... even as a survivor, you must understand that that infinity jellybean is very important to us! every day, we are coming closer to unlocking ITS TRUE SURVIVOR POWER!" and waluigi said "a power to destroy the scooper robots?" and captain brenner said "NO! the ultimate flavor! THE ULTIMATE JELLY BEAN! SPLIT INTO THOUSANDTHS, EVEN AN ATOM, SO EVERYBODY CAN EXPERIENCE THAT FLAVOR BEFORE THEY DIE!" and waluigi said "i understand this perfectly, but i need the jellybean" and captain brenner scratched his chin and he said "WELL... AS EVERYONE KNOWS, I HAPPILY BEND OVER FOR THE SURVIVORS! YOU CAN HAVE IT!" and waluigi said "just like that?" and captain brenner and said "YES!" and waluigi said "we can take you out of this cursed scooper timeline" and captain brenner said "I RESPECT YOU!!! BUT I WILL DIE WITH MY FELLOW SURVIVORS!! WHERE THERE'S LIFE THERE IS HOPE!" and will came out with a hot coffee and cpatain brenner smacked the coffee out of his hand and he said "IT'S TOO COLD! IF IT DOESN'T GIVE ME THIRD DEGREE BURNS FROM A MILE AWAY, I HAVE SRUVIVED IT!" and will skulked away and waluigi said "well, i don't plan on getting in between this unhealthy power dynamic"

so he walked into the cave and captain brenner walked with him, educating him on survivors, and how they'd survived the scooper apocalypse in hell, and explained that, since scoopers don't believe in souls, they don't recognize this as a real nether realm, and thus do not believe they can get to the land of the living. waluigi nodded, not really caring because he wouldn't stay in this cursed timeline any longer than needed. he was pretty fucking glad the waluigi in the new timeline wouldn't create a race of killer sentient robots.

finally, captain brenner brought him to the great jelly bean. the infinity jelly bean. it was mixed in with a jar full of beans, and nobody was sure which was the true infinity bean, so waluigi took out some magic mushrooms that he kept around for recreational purposes and exchanged them for the whole jar of beans. as he left, captain brenner said "THESE MUSHROOMS ARE REALLY DELICIOUS, SURVIVOR!!!" and waluigi turned around and he said "you weren't supposed to eat them all at once holy shit" and he decided to leave because brenner would probably spend the next few hours believing he was a jellybean or something similarly stupid and he didn't need to be around to trip sit this guy. really it was his responsibility to since he gave him the mushrooms but he really didn't want to.

so waluigi met up with jesus, who had long since finished the fleshfeast and was fully gorged on the meat of toadette, with a side of soldier 76, and fully enjoyed the experience, cannibalism or not. he was now waiting at the beginning of the gorge that led to the resistance base, and waluigi found him promptly. jesus said "did you get the infinity bean" and waluigi said "yeah. let's get the fuck out of here." and jesus said "alright let's gaydaddle, except not gay because homosexuality is a sin and i am the wife of a straight man" and waluigi wanted to say something, but he didn't.


	22. zombie bean with zombie friends

****INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY** **

* * *

 

so then waluigi and jesus travelled back into the slipstreams and as they were flying through the chronoverse and searching for the slipstream they saw the timelord skeletons and the skeletons looked down at them with scorn and one of them started screaming and it was a scream that encompassed all of time in a few single instants, a lifetime of screaming that waluigi would hear for the rest of his life but also never hear at all because as soon as it was over, it was done. such is time. such is scream.

so they returned to the psychedelic horrorshow that was the time slipstream and jesus's time travel device led them towards a new world, but the slipstream was taking ages to get there and waluigi said "why aren't we here yet?" and jesus said "this dimension is on the brink of annihilation. the zombie apocalypse struck years ago and once the last sentient being dies, the time-frame of the universe will be wiped from existence. it's only a matter of time now. it's being detached from the rest of the multiverse and the timelord skeletons are dragging it out as we speak" and waluigi said "so i guess we'd better be fast" and jesus said "or slow. it doesn't matter. we have a ton of time travel devices. so we can leave, even if we're in it when it becomes retconned."

so waluigi and jesus appeare don top of a bridge, with hundreds of wrecked cars on the bridge, with skeletons and burnt bodies everywhere, a single figure shambling in the far distance. waluigi climbed onto the top of a car and used his enhanced waa vision to identify the creature in the distance, but unfortunately enhanced waa vision wasn't an actual thing and so he could only conclude that it was shambling. waluigi said "what do we do now" and jesus said "it looks like we might be here a while." and waluigi said "we'd better start gathering supplies then" and he started punching the cars to collect scrap, and jesus said "what the FUCK are you doing" and waluigi said "i learned this through the ancient tradition of waa. i have lived off of punching things until they turn into compressed blocks of their core materials for most of my life. it's how i build. it's how i fed my precious chocobos. if i couldn't punch wood with my special waa-punching fists, i wouldn't have been able to feed my chocobos all by myself" and jesus said "chocobos eat wood?" and waluigi said "yep. they love it. that's why the population can't get too big. they'd deforest the world. luckily they're not particularly predisposed to breeding so it's not a huge risk" and jesus said "waluigi you fool!! you've been talking too much!!! now all the zombies are attracted to us!" and suddenly they were surrounded by zombies and waluigi started beating his car scraps into throwing knives and he began dumping huge piles of throwing knives in front of jesus and he started throwing knives at the zombies but it wasn't enough because the hordes were so large and jesus said "WALUIGI!!! WE NEED A SOLUTION" but waluigi didn't respond and jesus looked at waluigi but waluigi was on his eyes crying and he was weeping and saying "bill... they killed bill. i can't believe they killed bill. how could they do this? and in front of him the corpse of bill, former human, was shambling forwards, with murderous intent and a thirst for blood, and jesus ran up to waluigi and started shaking him trying to snap him out of his grief and jesus said "you've never even known this man!" and waluigi screamed "HE WAS SUCH A GOOD WAA, HE WAS AN AMAZING MAN, AND HE DIED. HE GAVE HIS LIFE UP FOR THEM. FOR LOUIS. FOR ZOEY. EVEN FOR FUCKING FRANCIS" and he looked up at jesus sniffling and he said "i hate francis. he was the worst. he should have died. not bill. NOT BILL."

jesus punched him in the face and jesus screamed "WE NEED TO GO" and waluigi threw a giant pile of scrap at bill and he jumped off the bridge sobbing and bill rose up from underneath the pile of scrap and he got up and he started groaning, thirsty for human flesh (but waa flesh would do), and jesus said "THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION" but waluigi was already in the water underneath the bridge and jesus jumped after him and he landed in the water and jesus said "NOW WHAT" and waluigi said "NOW WE FUCKING SWIM" and then a zombie shark started pulling on jesus's clothes and jesus started screaming and waluigi said "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO UNDRESS" and jesus said "what the fuck NO, that's INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR AND I AM JESUS CHRIST YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR, DO NOT SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY AGAIN" and waluigi said "would you rather get eaten by a zombie shark" and jesus said "no!! i just want to see my husband thanos again, alive and well! i did not ask to be disrobed in front of a spaghetti man intent on defiling me with his disgusting eyes" and waluigi said "fine just fuck off and die then" and jesus said "i'd rather die a MARTYR than a SINNER" and waluigi said "okay smell ya later" and the zombie shark devoured jesus and waluigi said "wait you weren't actaully supposed to die" and he started swimming faster because the blood in the water was attracting even more zombie sharks and waluigi had to put all his waa energy into swimming really quickly and waluigi said "why the fuck did waluigi not just undress??? jesus christ what an idiot"

then he saw a motorboat in the distance and he started screaming and waving his hands and then he remembered that there were zombie sharks behind him and he started swimming faster and he felt the zombie sharks nipping at his ankles and he started screaming and then the motorboat started coming towards him and waluigi was swimming faster and it kept coming closer and closer and the teeth were nipping at his feet, then a round of buckshot fired and the zombie sharks fled and an arm reached down and pulled waluigi up and a voice screamed out and it said "welllll howdy pardner" and waluigi said "waa?" and it was zoey, and she had a lawn chair on the motorboat and a tablet that was playing star trek, and ellis was lying on the floor of the boat, passed out, with several bottles of cough syrup around him and waluigi said "did your boyfriend seriously overdose on cough syrup?" and zoey said "REALLY? that's the first thing you notice?" and she cocked her shotgun and waluigi said "no disrespect, just, you know that shit's bad for your brain, right? especially when you fucking overdose on it" and zoey said "and what did my brain ever do for me? attract zombies?" and waluigi said "you know zombies don't actually want to eat your brain, right? i mean, maybe in a specific multiverse there's zombies that eat brains, but if we're talking multiverse theory there's a universe for EVERYTHING, and the fact that something exists somewhere does not change that it still does not exist here. anyway, those zombies want to eat your meat" and zoey said "how did you know i have a penis?" and waluigi said "actually i was referring to your body as opposed to your brain"

and zoey shrugged and said "well anyway, pardner, whatcha doing in this part of the world?" and waluigi said "well, i'm here to find the third infinity bean" and zoey slapped her thigh and laughed and she said "you can't be serious, can you?" and waluigi said "no, we need the ten infinity jellybeans to resurrect thanos" and zoey raised an eyebrow and she said "thanos?" and waluigi said "jesus christ's husband" and zoey said "damn, that's hecka sick, do y'all usually go around consorting with the darlings of misogynistic religions?" and waluigi said "not usually but the dude's husband died" and zoey said "that's a fair point. so who's the woman in the relationship?" and waluigi said "isn't it kind of homophobic to assume same sex couples have to have a woman and a man? like that's kinda the whole fucking point. they don't." and zoey said "naw, i'm just saying cause i doubt jesus is one to break down gender roles and shit" and waluigi said "oh, well, that's a valid observation. anyway, what's this about the infinity bean and why the fuck did you laugh" and zoey said "well, if you want to get the infinity bean, you're going to need to have to kill the zombie king, who ate the infinity bean and became sentient despite being a zombie, and he used his telikinetic powers to make his fellow zombies smarter" and waluigi said "if he ate it, doesn't that mean he's digested it? how the fuck am i going to get it back" and zoey said "well, yer gonna have to reach into his stomach and just pluck it out, i imagine" and waluigi said "but wouldn't it be digested?" and zoey said "it's an object of infinite power, y'all really think a mere stomach could digest an object of infinite power?" and waluigi said "i mean, i've seen a lot of crazy shit. i mean, the last dimension i was in with jesus was in a hell that a robot i had drawn with a purple crayon had converted into a post-robotic apocalypse" and zoey said "that reminds me, where is jesus?" and waluigi said "he wouldn't disrobe. the zombie sharks got him." and zoey said "so much for savior of the world" and waluigi said "i mean not much of a savior if he was only going to save a tiny portion of people anyway" and zoey laughed and offered him a bottle of cough syrup and waluigi shrugged and he said "well, whatever. i could afford a wind down" and then he chugged the whole bottle

waluigi spent the next few hours dancing to genres of music he'd never even heard of before and was channelling his inner waa-hood to come into touch with the inner workings of the universe but no matter how he poked and prodded, he still had no fucking clue as to why he was here or what he was doing. for a brief moment, he blacked out into infinity, and he realized that in this moment, he could only ask himself if he'd ever used peanut butter as lube. as the question passed unanswered, he continued, in mental monotone, telling himself that it's a chunky time. the last few words couldn't quite leave his lips. he knew how it went. 'i'm chunky kong'. but he was not chunky kong. then a hand plopped onto his shoulder, and lips whispered against his ear, and the lips said "you're not chunky kong. i'm chunky kong." and waluigi turned around and almost screamed but nobody was around him. zoey had passed out hours ago, and ellis had never woken up. waluigi blacked out again, and an hour later he had woken up, with no memory of the last hour whatsoever. zoey was up and prodding ellis with a stick and she said "is he dead?" and waluigi said "with that much cough syrup i'd be fucking surprised if he wasn't" and zoey said "grab a defiri... a defiberr... a defabbera... just grab one of those shocky things that people use to revive the dead. we've got a stash up back" and waluigi said "why the fuck do you need a stash of defibrillators" and zoey said "you'd be surprised what a zombie apocalypse can do to your way of living. these bastards fucking die every day or two. shit's crazy" and waluigi said "and so, due to the increasingly dangerous nature of your life and how many times you've come face to face with death, you no longer fear dying and instead seek out increasingly dangerous thrills, no longer feeling the adrenaline from things that do not directly endanger your life, and as such frequently accidentally kill yourselves, which only increases the thrill of it all" and zoey took a long sip from the starbucks coffee cup that had appeared in game of thrones and she said "yep" and waluigi shrugged and ran off to the back of the boat and got a defibrillator and he ran back and he put it on ellis's nipples and shocked him back to life and ellis screamed "ZAPPPPINNNNGGG NIIIIPPPPSS" and then he puked several bottles of cough syrup up and he got up and said "fuckign shit that was a bad one, NOT a good drug to overdose on, goddamn zoey, y'all coulda warned me" and zoey said "it was your idea, you shitpuddle" and zoey reached her hand out over the side of the boat and a zombie fish jumped into her hand and she used to smack ellis across the face and ellis screamed "WHAT IN TARNATION WAS THAT FOR??" and zoey said "i did it because i could. and it's free."

and waluigi said "hey, i used to play maplestory too!" and zoey said "what the fuck is maplestory" and waluigi let out a sad waa.


	23. zombie beans part 2, the bean that beaned a destiny

**INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODDYSSEY**

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os waluigi and zoey and ellis were just partying for days, chugging dxm every few hours and vomiting every time they accidentally took a bit too much, sometimes just dying and hitting the defibrillator stash and waluigi said "i didn't expect life after the zombie apocalypse to be this fun", as his bare ass hung over the edge of the boat and shat into the sea, occasionally hitting a zombie shark that had been circling the boat for the last few weeks. and one of the zombie sharks popped its head out of the water and growled angrily because it had gotten a mouthful of brown waa and waluigi said "waa! waluigi is the best! eat my shit!" and zoey high fived waluigi and ellis said "well yeehaw, looks like you got another one! now how are you just so gosh diddly tooting good at shitting in sharks' mouths" and waluigi said "'tis only a touch of the waa that sustains me" and waluigi pulled his pants back up and he sat down on a lawn chair, which was on a boat, which technically makes it not a lawn chair but a boat chair.

and waluigi took a slow sip of a bottle of robotussin and then he realized that it tasted like shit and he just chugged it all and he threw it off the side of the boat because at this point the world had gone to shit anyway and all the fish were zombies so throwing plastic into the ocean was basically killing zombies. and ellis was on the edge of the boat looking out through his binoculars and waluigi said "why does ellis keep staring out and scanning the landscape? everything we need is on this boat. and zoey put a hand on his shoulder and she said "we don't talk about that here. but between you and me, he's looking for the one and only jimmy gibbs junior, but y'all didn't hear that from me. we told him that jimmy gibbs junior wasn't real, but in retrospect that made fid diddly sense since he was obviously a real race car driver. ellis believes there's a jimmy gibbs junior zombie out there, just all up and running through the wastelands, wanting to drive but being unable to, and it is ellis's dream to put him in a car loaded with explosives and blow him up at high speed, so that jimmy gibbs junior can die happy and go to zombie heaven." and waluigi said "if there was a zombie heaven wouldn't that also mean there's a zombie hell?" and zoey scratched her chin for a bit and said "i think maybe this metaphor was a bad analogy" and waluigi took out a dictionary and he studied it and then he said "after careful consideration i am pretty sure that is neither a metaphor or an analogy. it was just you saying what ellis believes" and zoey said "ellis sure is stupid, huh?" and waluigi wanted to tell her that the brain-eating parasite that had turned ellis into a southerner who was mildly racist but didn't realize it, and waluigi could see zoey's brain following down that dark road. he was glad that this universe had broken down into a zombie apocalypse before trump had a chance to get elected, because he was pretty sure at that point zoey's brain would have completely deteriorated into that of a conservative, and honestly, it was a safe bet that at that point the outrageous race baiting of the trump campaign combined with sheer meme value would convince her to buy into it, even if she later regretted it and did not entirely remember why she voted for a candidate that was a billionare scumbag in the first place.

and then zoey looked at waluigi and zoey said "y'all look like you were going on an internal monologue or some shit. overthinking's no good, pal. why don't we just watch friends" and waluigi said "sure" even though it was mildly problematic it was relaxing enough that he could he could just chill on it. especially since he was coming up on dxm and cough syrup doesn't exactly lend itself to concentrating on plots." and then zoey passed out and dropped her tablet and somehow it bounced off the floor of the motorboat and landed in the sea and waluigi said "well, that's gone forever." and then waluigi started thinking really hard about making tulpas for some reason because he'd read about it years ago and with the dxm as strong as it is he had a really strong urge to actually do it. but then he passed out and he woke up and when he remembered his decision to create a tulpa he decided it wasn't worth the effort because he had a lot going on in the physical realm and did not need that kind of energy going around.

anyway, when he woke up, zoey had started driving the motorboat back to the mainland and waluigi said "so, like, i'm taking you realized your tablet was missing?" and zoey said "ellis saw the whole thing. it was like fate WANTED it to disappear into the sea forever. it's a shame because that was one of the last sources of porn i had. y'all would not BELIEVE how often i drop electronics into the sea" and waluigi said "so, like, i was saying, i need to get the infinity bean from the zombie king. and i should probably take care of that instead of spending the rest of my life on this boat in the middle of a zombie shark infested ocean, despite the amount of good, soul-hearted waa that i have been having" and zoey said "it's totally fine. interdimensional travelers come by all the time. we're like a tourist attraction. they're usually not as helpless as you though" and waluigi said "it's not my travel guide is an idiot. i'm not sure why i agreed to these dumbass jesus shenagians. i should never have trusted him" and zoey said "ayyyyup. sounds like you shoulda become a satanist" and waluigi said "i mean that wasn't what i meant, but sure."

so then waluigi and zoey and ellis all got to port and they had to fight off hundreds of zombies to get to zoey's bunker, which technically belogned to louis but zoey claimed to own it to impress ellis, even though ellis didn't really have high standards and zoey was a pretty girl who could shoot zombies, which was basically all of ellis's standards for romantic partners, plus shooting zombies and being a pretty girl. basically he had absolutely zero standards. that was the joke. i just explained the joke and ruined it. and i'm still going! look at me go! look at me fucking go! the joke is ruined, just like my childhood, and very possibly yours.

anyway, they got back to the bunker and louis was cooking up lasagna because he'd been subjected to too many racist jokes about black people eating chicken, or watermelon, and as such had decided to exclusively eat and cook white people food, which was kind of silly but, when you've been alone with the same half dozen people for years and literally everybody else is a flesh eating monster that wants to kill you, your brain kinda goes out. and waluigi couldn't blame them. and waluigi patted louis on the back and he said "hey louis! i need to know where the zombie king who ate the infinity jellybean is so that i can kill him and take the jellybean" and louis said "yeah you're going to want to get up on the zombie lane bridge" and waluigi said "is that an actual bridge name?" and louis siad "it is now! i made it my pet project of renaming every street, bridge, and locale in a hundred mile radius. and that's zombie lane bridge." and waluigi said "so which bridge is zombie lane bridge?" and louis said "that's the one down the river" and waluigi said "the river i got picked up on?" and louis said "yeah" and waluigi said "fuck, i was just on that bridge with jesus. i could have just gotten it before he died."

then waluigi took off his hat, revealing his beautiful hair, and he said "louis, zoey, and ellis, it's been a pleasure to know you and imbibe of your dxm and watch friends with you and revive ellis with a defibrillator, and shit in sharks' mouths while you applauded. waa. well really all of that really only applied to zoey and ellis, i just met you louis, but honestly your lasagna smells amazing so i bet you're cool too. anyway, i have to go claim the infinity bean"

so louis went up to waluigi and he put a hand on his shoulder and he said "waluigi... bill is the zombie king. he's our dear friend. tell him hi before you kill him." and waluigi said "bill? but i met him on the bridge. i cried for him. he didn't seem hyperintelligent" and louis said "he was probably in sleepwalker mode. since he's hyperpowerful he needs to recharge by sleeping, so he becomes a regular zombie when he's on autopilot, then the infinity bean powered brain comes back when he wakes up" and waluigi said "that makes sense. waa!"

so waluigi walked out of the bunker and the street was covered in zombies and waluigi was still a bit high so when one of the zombies tried to attack him he just highfived him and the zombie growled approvingly and waluigi said "i'm glad that i drank a lot of cough syrup and got high enough that i thought high fiving a zombie was a good idea" and waluigi decided to bite the zombie because that was funny, and then he realized that zombie flesh was probably infected and would probably give him the zombie disease and he shrugged because honestly, at this point, his life was completley out of his control and any attempt to control it would just be a fight against the inevitable, and one thing waluigi did not do was fight the inevitable. not when it was things he didn't really care about, like becoming a zombie, anyway.

so waluigi broke into one of the cars that was on the street and then he started driving and he turned on the radio, but all the radio stations were down, and then he sighed. the static was like a soundtrack to his life, a metaphor for the sad chaos that enveloped him in every waking moment, continuing only beause the one in control of it all really just couldn't be bothered to shut it off.

and so he drove.

he drove towards an objective he no longer had any reason to care about, to collect an infinity jellybean that probably didn't even matter now that jesus was dead. he drove because he didn't know what else to do, and having an objective kept him one step ahead of the overwhelming entropy that shadowed his every step. he drove because it was progress. it was something to do. and having something to do kept his mind off of all this.

and he sighed.

he sighed because this was not what he had expected his life to become. he sighed because he was just some idiot in blue overalls and a purple t-shirt in a dimension that had suffered a zombie apocalypse, and instead of making any meaningful change, he was just grabbing jellybeans from universes that could probably use it and giving them to a crossdressing idiot messiah who wanted to resurrect a genocidal despot. and he was going along with it, why exactly? because the story of said despot's death, and the idiot messiah's subsequent grieving made him sad? made him feel compassion? no. because jesus offered him something to do. and now he was doing it.

one could establish a metaphor for the mindless droning on of the common man, but waluigi was in no mood for metaphors. waluigi had his ears tuned into the sound of static, his hands on a steering will, and his fists ready to pummel some random ass zombie. he was on a quest not to revive thanos, nor for jesus. he was on this quest because he needed to be doing something. and maybe, maybe sometime soon, he would have something worth doing. maybe he would collect the jelly beans and just use them for himself. maybe he'd just eat them. who really cared? it's not like it'd make a difference. he'd already fucked up his original timeline's hell but unleashing sentient AI onto it. maybe he could be a disaster.

maybe it doesn't matter if he was a disaster. maybe that was just his role in life. to be a maelstrom of sad chaos, leaving death and destruction in his wake. it's not like anything was holding him to any particular universe. he was a free agent. sure, he'd had chance encounters with decent people, but they were just people. he'd see them once, and never again. the meme queen equius? probably slaughtered by sentient frog cum scooping robots. toadette? scooper robots. hell, even brenner probably eventually got overwhelmed by the scooper robots. maybe they'd finally abandon their original form. maybe they'd break out of hell, and destroy the entire universe. in his own universe, he'd no longer be at home. the waluigi of his universe had probably grown up to be an entirely different person. stronger, maybe. more bold. maybe he had a purpose. maybe he wasn't even a he. maybe he was a they. maybe they actually figured what was going on with them as a person and developed themselves instead of devoting their entire adult life to tending chocobos, and suppressing any hopes or dreams they had had in the process. maybe they had life. actual life. the will to live. not whatever waluigi had going on. he was a husk. adrift in the wind, letting fate blow him where it would, without an ounce of resistance.

either way, he was not the waluigi he was now. he had no universe. maybe he could find a way back to the doomed timeline that he'd left behind, and live out his years in it, but to what end? he had no friends there. no family. he'd killed wario there, just as he had when he traveled back in time.

"waa," he said, quietly. it was a sad waa. it was a waa of a gender-fucked purple spaghetti man (gender exploration pending) who just wanted to know he was doing something. and i guess this was it. even if it didn't mean anything, at least it was there. just like the static of the radio. at least it was doing something.

he sped up. 


	24. zombie beans, part 3, to kill bill again

**INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

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waluigi crashed.

he flew from his car like an ejected spaghetti man, because he was an ejected spaghetti man, as even though he did not particularly care for spaghetti he was still in the same class of lifeform as mario, and luigi, and his dipshit capitalist brother wario, who was now double dead. as he flew through the air he recognized that crashing into a building would likely not be conducive to his already hurt feelings getting any less hurt, and also to his bones becoming any less broken. this was a situation that needed rectification

he sighed. he guessed it was just this time again. time to invoke waa.

he reached out and grabbed a stray signpole, redirecting his forward momentum to swing around it and slide downwards right into a horde of zombies

then he sighed. he readjusted his gloves for dramatic effect because he was waa, the destroy of the undead, and he began punching zombies and breaking them down into blocks of pure zombie material, and by the time he'd thinned out the horde he'd broken them down into a dozen or so 64 stacks of zombie flesh blocks, and he began crafting a superweapon made out of pure zombie flesh. first he crafted zombie flesh pistols, then he crafted them into zombie flesh assault rifles, and he gradually worked his way up through the ranks, through laser weapons, particle beams, then finally to biological symbiotes, and to the greatest weapon of all. death's maw twice dead was his to possess. a breathing, pulsing mass of flesh, with intermittent skulls, and a few eyes, vaguely shaped like a rocket launcher, capable of firing a beam of pure blood magic.

and waluigi stroked the beast affectionately and he said "a little waa for the big waa" and he tucked it away into his conveniently placed multidimensional inventory and he said "fits like a glove" and then he began walking through the streets, and he began humming 'you are my sunshine' to himself because he was in a good mood after a hard day's crafting

then a smoker hopped out from behind a conveniently placed dumpster and a few more smokers jumped down from the rooftops and they started approaching him and they were all wearing sunglasses and tuxedos and the lead smoker said "i bring a message from bill, the one true king of the zombocalypse." and she took out a shotgun and was about to fire but waluigi said "a quickdraw challenge? you shouldn't have thought twice before challenging waa. waa's the quickdraw master" and death's maw twice dead materialized into his hands and it fired a beam of pure, unadulterated carnage, the pure power of undeath instantly evaporating all the backup smokers and only leaving the lead, who'd managed to dodge, and the lead smoker said "did your dumb ass not hear me? i bring a MESSAGE from bill, the ONE TRUE KING OF THE ZOMBOCALYPSE. and you're gonna receive my message, or my name's not lung cancer lucille"

so waluigi said "what the fuck kind of name is that? and aren't your kind of... long tongued, tentacle-y motherfucers supposed to be all male?" and lung cancer lucille screamed "don't make this about me, asswipe" and she took out two new shotguns, except these shotguns had their sides open up and four slightly smaller shotguns came out of the sides, and out of each of those, three more even smaller shotguns came out, and lucille said "if you can't hear me, i'll just speak a little louder" and she started firing her shotguns akimbo and waluigi, with his instant-fast waaflexes, dropped all his spare stacks of zombie flash mid air, blocking the buckshot, and then he fired another catastrophe beam and lung cancer lucille barely dodged it and waluigi said "tell your master that waluigi does not accept anything but face to face correspondance" and he picked up the stacks of zombie flesh again and he started throwing them rapid fire at lucille and then he fired another beam and lucille shot out her tongue to catch the zombie flesh blocks but they were too heavy and she crashed onto the ground, pulled down by her tongue, just barely being pulled out of the path of the catastrophe beam

so then lung cancer lucille began chain smoking, restoring her power and giving her the lightning fast reflexes and speed of somebody who had just received the hit of several dozen cigarettes at once. she felt the power coursing through her body, her muscles tension and swelling with sheer power, and she began laughing maniacally. but then her hand reached down to her leg and she started cringing and cursing and she screamed "FUCK" and she started rolling around on the ground, and after a few more minutes of that she was dead. unfortunately, she had not heeded her endocrinologist's warning and had continued to smoke despite being on HRT, and unfortunately, her life had now ended. not by the beam of death's maw twice dead, but by a blood clot in her leg. waluigi took his hat off to honor her memory for a few brief seconds before moving on. she had dodged his attacks relatively well and was much more interesting than anybody else he had punched into zombie flesh. actually, he didn't really care, but his hair was getting a bit sweaty and he figured he'd air it out a bit and call it a tribute, since this lady was obviously very committed to his cause, and had clearly been granted a great boon of intelligence from bill, the zombie king.

it was a bit sad he'd have to kill bill for the second time. the guy never deserved to die in the first place. francis? sure. zoey or louis? maybe. but bill? shit. that's some bad fucking karma. people will point to portal 2's item shop, or tf2's monetization as the death of valve, but in reality, it was bill's death. bill was the heart and soul of valve, and gabe newell wanted to crush that soul and turn valve into a soulless enterprise. the fight to make a martyr of bill had been a long and hard one. 'it would be good for the story', he said. 'it'll give the game emotional significance', he said. but no. his true goal was to turn valve into the soulless enterprise that it now is, pumping all its money into steam trading cards and MOBAs. and once he died, so did the hope and the passion in valve. waluigi clenched his fist and stared rebelliously into the sky. it was time to kill bill.

so waluigi found a new car and hotwired it and got it running again and began driving down the road towards the bridge, and he turned the radio back on and the static was absent. instead, the sound of simon & garfunkel drifted through his ears, 'hello darkness my old friend' an eery refrain on a station that shouldn't exist. waluigi kept driving, the song merely strenghtening his resolve as he drove towards his undead adversary. his neck twitched. he'd been having the strangest itch since he took that bite out of a zombie. well, he supposed that was one way to die. hello darkness indeed.

as the song finished, a voice rang out on the radio. it was groaning, barely human, but waluigi could not mistake it. it was bill's. the voice rang out. "greetings, interloper. since you refused to hear out my initial introduction, i suppose i'll have to do this sans courier. i am the one true king of the zombocalypse, the ruler of the undead world. you've seen the intelligence i bestowed upon lung cancer lucille. well, i'm going to do that to the entire world, and rebuild society as a race that never dies." and waluigi was about to reply but then he realized that bill was monologuing over the radio and as such he had no way to communicate to him. waluigi decided to do what somebody who truly didn't give a fuck would do, and shut the radio off. he didn't need to remember bill as this corrupted husk. though the idea of a one world zombie empire was pretty fucking cool. waluigi shrugged.

but he did not have the liberty to shrug. not when what looked like a ferrari, or some other obnoxiously expensive brand of car was on the road ahead of him, driving towards him at ramming speed. waluigi didn't care enough to slow down or avoid him so he continued driving, in some moronic game of chicken where it's unlikely either party was actually afraid of crashing into the other and as such it would only end in a total collision. waluigi sped up, and the other car matched his speed, and if not for the freakish yell of "HOLY SHIT, IT'S JIMMY GIBBS JUNIOR", and subsequent propelling of a young redneck into the car approaching him, waluigi may have lost his life, or at least been mildly inconvenienced and needed to commandeer a new vehicle.

ellis kicked jimmy gibbs junior out of the car, causing the car to swerve onto the sidelines, knocked him unconscious, then began vigorously duct-taping him into what appeared to be a zombie mummy. when he was completely immobile, ellis picked him up, slung him over his shoulder, and began running back in the direction of the bunker. waluigi had slowed down to observe the spectacle, and ellis said "oh hi there, partner! safe trip and all! i got me jimmy gibbs fucking junior! i'm gonna strap him into a car and send him to a fiery demise!" and waluigi shrugged and continued driving. he'd let these people be themselves. it's not like jimmy gibbs junior was a sentient being with rights. i mean, maybe bill had made him sentient, but either way, the question of whether or not undead individuals have rights was a matter for political and philosophical debate, and while generally speaking, classifying the rights of certain groups of people as 'politics' is generally ill advised, it's fair to say that the undead, being what they are, do not classify as people and thus do not have any claim to human rights. maybe in a few hundred years, society will have progressed to the point where undead people have the same civic rights and responsibilities as everybody else, but waluigi was grounded in this time, and at the moment, they most certainly do not have rights.

and so, as creatures at this point in time not considered to have rights or even be sentient, or people, waluigi was ethically grounded in his right to kill them all. not that that would have stopped him anyway, since he needed the infinity bean and there was only one zombie bean king that had it.


	25. zombie beans four: the bean's last laugh

**INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

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so waluigi drove down to the entry to the bridge and he got out of the car and he slammed the door and as he stepped out, and several massive zombie armies stood united in front of the bridge, with tanks (the zombies, not vehicles), smokers, and just about every other type of special infected, and probably thousands of shambling commoners. waluigi sighed a heavy sigh, and he materialized death's maw twice dead and began spraying a massive beam of catastrophic energy, almost instantly annihilating them all, making zombie chunks and blood fly everywhere. waluigi briefly had to dash behind his car and take cover from the raining gore, then once it had settled, he jumped on top of the car and began firing again. by the time he finished firing, the symbiotic zombie weapon had almost reached its maximum capacity, which was somewhat low given how little he'd managed to use it, but, as a weapon with such massive destructive capability, sometimes durability had to pay the price to keep things balanced. not that death's maw twice dead was anything close to balanced, but at least the durability made it harder to exploit.

waluigi sighed, wiped sweat off his brow, then tossed death's maw twice dead onto the bridge, letting it self destruct and take the bridge out, causing it to begin to collapse into the sea, letting whatever cars and undead that were still on it to begin sliding into the sea. but amidst the chaos and creaking metal, waluigi heard a voice. a high-pitched, panicked, screech. waluigi vaguely saw a long haired figure in drag running towards the end of the bridge, trying to get onto solid land, and waluigi facepalmed and started running towards the bridge and he jumped down onto the bridge and he jesus and him briefly exchanged glances and waluigi said "how the fuck are you still alive and not a zombie?" and jesus said "i rose again after three days, bitch" and waluigi said "yes, i suppose that would be your thing, wouldn't it?" he waa'd with great indifference. the idiot prophet was still alive, for whatever reason, and it was back to babysitting the idiot drag prophet

so waluigi grabbed jesus and slung him over his shoulder and charged up a super dance and jumped back onto the road leading up to the bridge just before the bridge crashed down into the water. for a single moment, waluigi looked really, really fucking cool, and waluigi realized it, and it gave him a mild bump of serotonin. when he landed on the road he kept holding jesus for a short period while he savored the moment and jesus said "alright buddy you can let me down now" and waluigi dropped him and jesus stood up and he said "where the hell were you? i've been waiting for you forever" and waluigi said "i was out partying with people because i assumed your dumb ass got eaten by zombie sharks" and jesus said "it DID but i rose again dumbshit, that's literally my superpower. i'm jesus. i rise again! after three days!" and waluigi said "well maybe you should have told me that before i assumed you died" and jesus said "did you even read the bible??" and waluigi decided not to dignify that with a response because any reply would put the ball in his field and waluigi honestly didn't care enough to continue this conversation, so he just said "waa", leaving jesus mildly confused

then waluigi said "since you were on that bridge, do you know where bill is? he swallowed the infinity bean and has infinite power because of it" and jesus said "duh. how could i miss him? i spent the last three or so days at raves with him and playing poker with him and discussing plans for the ascension of our people. well, mostly his people, since i don't really have a people anymore, but y'know. same difference, really." and waluigi said "they're literally zombies" and jesus said "but he's got such grand plans for zombies!" and waluigi said "so wait, you were with him this entire time, and you didn't get the infinity bean?" and jesus said "well, no. i was waiting for you." and waluigi said "but you knew he had the infinity bean in him?" and jesus said "of course i knew!" and waluigi said "then why the WAA didn't you grab it?" and jesus asid "i was waiting for you! why in the hell would you expect me to do all that work by myself? i'm a fucking bottom" and waluigi said "being a bottom does not excuse you for being lazy and unmotivated" and jesus said "no it totally does" and waluigi said "maybe you're just a shitty bottom"

and jesus started shaking and was literally SCREAMING and waluigi said "listen dude can you stop fucking screaming?" and jesus said "YOU CALLED ME A FUCKING SHITTY BOTTOM" and waluigi said "then maybe go to healthy sex classes" and jesus said "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR HEALTHY SEX CLASSES!!! I NEED TO REVIVE THANOS!" and waluigi said "you're a fucking time traveler" and jesus said "WE'RE CODEPENDENT AND I HATE BEING AWAY FROM HIM ASSHOLE" and waluigi said "maybe work on having healthier relationships in the future!! it's not my fault you're a shit bottom" and jesus said "if i'm a shit bottom then why does thanos love me so much??" and waluigi said "you can love people who are toxic, this is relationships 101. being toxic doesn't mean nobody can love you, it just means, in your case, you're a lazy bastard who refuses to take care of himself and instead requires other people to take the reins! what would you do if i just decided to live in this god forsaken zombocalypse" and jesus said "maybe i'd just fucking shit and cry!!!" and waluigi groaned loudly and he said "so where is bill? let's just get this over with"

and jesus said "he's on the other side of the bridge which you just destroyed" and waluigi said "that's hardly a big deal" and jesus said "i'm not swimming with zombie sharks" and waluigi said "you can stay here, dipshit. just give me the time travel device" and jesus said "why?" and waluigi said "just go back in time before the bridge was destroyed, when we first appeared, and then we'll kill bill while he's shambling around. apparently he was in sleepwalking mode when we first saw him" and jesus said "but we'll disrupt the timeline" and waluigi said "who the fuck cares about the timeline? let's just appear right after we jumped off the bridge" and jesus said "i suppose that works" and waluigi said "y'know, considering i'm a volunteer for your dumbass husband rescuing mission, you could act a little more grateful" and jesus said "but people give me free shit all the time" and waluigi groaned and he punched jesus in the face and pulled the time travel device out of his robe and he thought to himself how this would dispel a whole lot of dramatic tension, given that bill took the trouble of ranting to him over the radio, which was kind of disappointing, but he never really wanted to deal with bill and whatever sideshow villains he was going to pull out of his ass anyway

so waluigi hit the button and traveled back in time, right as bill was starting to stand himself up and free himself of all the scrap that had been piled on top of him, and waluigi was standing on a car heroically and he said "bill, as much as waa weeps for you, and i'm sure you weep for yourself and the sad creature you've become, i am going to have to kill you to retrieve the infinitely powerful jellybean that is resting in your stomach" and as soon as waluigi said the word "jellybean" bill began to glow with a primal energy and he floated into the air and started speaking in a voice that seemed to come from everywhere and waluigi hopped off of the car into the air and he punched bill in the face and bill fell into the bridge and bill screamed "THIS ISN'T HOW IT ENDS! I WILL RESTORE OUR CIVILIZATION FROM THE ASHES" but waluigi jumped onto him and began beating the shit out of him. and then he drew his fist back and he pummeled his fist into bill's stomach and he pulled out the infinity jellybean and as he pulled it out, all the power drained out of bill's body and waluigi stood up and dusted himself off and he started crying. weeping at what he'd had to do. and for what? he'd loved bill. he'd loved bill more than anything. and to lose him once was unbearable. but to lose him again?

waluigi wiped the snot from his nose and pressed the button on his time travel device. it was done. this undead odyssey was over with. he appeared next to jesus as jesus was recovering from his punch and jesus said "what the fuck was that for?" and waluigi said "for being an ungrateful piece of shit" and jesus shrugged and said "fair enough" and waluigi said "are you really just accepting that?" and jesus said "i am a bottom" and waluigi said "see? i told you you were a shitty bottom. you can't just submit to everything. you have to fucking assert yourself, you piece of shit. how'd you even get the nerve together to find me in the first place? at this rate you should have just been rolling on the floor the whole time shitting your pants and hopefully dying as well. you're a real fucking piece of work. waa" and he was about to time travel without him but jesus said "wait! i'm sorry. i'll try and be a better bottom. maybe i can even try to be a top for you, if you're into that" and waluigi said "i don't want to FUCK you, i just want you to stop being an awful human being. you need fucking therapy" and jesus shrugged and said "so you don't want me to top you?" and waluigi said "fuck no. why the fuck would i be attracted to you? you're like the shittiest version of a drag queen i've ever seen, in any universe" and jesus said "i'm not a drag queen. i'm just thanos's wife and i dress and act appropriately" and waluigi groaned because at this point going along with his dumbass resurrection quest seemed easier than arguing with him, and he'd feel mildly guilt for stranding him in a dimension filled with zombies.

jesus said "buddies?" and waluigi said "fuck no" and then they time slipped the fuck out of there.


	26. the fourth infinity bean?

**INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

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waluigi and jesus had gotten stuck in a slipstream. waluigi was sitting, pressed against the barrier protecting them from infinite timespace, and jesus was rambling about just how much he loved thanos's three foot eggplant emperor penis. "did i tell you how much he likes it when i call him dados? his flaccid little pecker plumps up instantly. it goes from like, 2 inches to three feet in about ten to fifteen seconds. even if i WASN'T sexually attracted to him and his massive penis, i'd be FASCINATED with it. it's just so powerful. why does thanos even need the infinity gauntlet when he has a dick that big? like, shit." and waluigi screamed "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DEAD HUSBAND'S GIANT PENIS" and then he roared with the rage of a primal spaghetti man and then he coughed, and then he said "waa" and jesus said "why do you say waa?" and waluigi said "why do you talk about your husband's giant penis?" and jesus said "wouldn't you?" and waluigi said "wouldn't you waa, if you knew how to waa?" and jesus said "waa", but it was a flat waa, a waa without love, with no soul. jesus could not waa. not a real waa.

so waluigi said "are we there yet?" and jesus said "no, and please stop asking" and jesus said "the last time i asked was like an hour ago, waa. how long are we going to be stuck here" and jesus said "however long it takes the timelord skeletons to clear the chronological digestive tubes" and waluigi said "THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE" and then he breathed in deeply and then he said "WHY ARE WE BEING POOPED OUT???? IS TIME TRAVEL SKELETONS POOPING???? I HAVEN'T POOPED IN A VERY LONG TIME"

then jesus started backing away and he said "waluigi do you need to make a stinky? you'd tell me if you needed to make a stinky, right?" and waluigi said "waa the fuck, why are you calling it stinky??? is that like some weird baby talk you do with thanos? because like, no judgement or anything, but i personally would rather you don't use infantilizing language with me, because i am a strong and independent waa who doesn't need a parent or pretend caregiver" and jesus said "i'm NOT A LITTLE" and waluigi said "i mean that wasn't necessarily the implication, like you don't have to be a little in order to use baby talk???? waa" and jesus said "I AM NOT A LITTLE THAT IS SINFUL" and waluigi said "why would that be sinful???? like where in the bible does it say that that is sinful" and jesus said "fuck the bible i make the rules" and waluigi said "well it's good you admit that your whole religion is a sham????" and jesus said "it's not a sham i mean i am literally god and i did save the christians from thanos's genocide during the end of the age of man" and waluigi said "but you just said fuck the bible" and jesus said "and i also gave christians a magic schoolbus to live in so it's not like i'm a bad messiah. i did my best" and waluigi said "a magic schoolbus??? that doesn't exactly sound like heaven on earth" and jesus said "look, buddy. i made promises i couldn't hold up to. that's true. but i did my best, and after the whole thing was done with, i went off and i married the man of my dreams, and now i'm HAPPY for once in my life" and waluigi said "yesss but i don't suppose you think all the people thanos killed were very happy, do you? waa" and jesus said "who cares about them, anyway? they're peasants. they should have been thankful they died when they did. it all would get so much worse from there" and waluigi said "god you're an awful person, and i use that word sparingly" and jesus said "oof" and waluigi said "don't you fucking oof me you have NO right to oof me."

then they slipped out of the slipstream and they popped out in the middle of what looked like a futuristic super city, except there was fire everywhere, and some of the buildings had been bombed into oblivion and waluigi saw a tank rolling through the streets in the distance and waluigi screamed "holy shit" and then a pair of tentacles grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him into the ground and he screamed "suck my dick after i emerged from the spider's coccoon with melted insides but what would kill a regular prey turned me from squidward into BIG energy squidward, the power of melted inside fed into my big energy and it became strength and the spider that would have killed me made me a GOD. after watching you for weeks and being made aware of your every move past and present my BIG ENERGY HAS BEEN AWAKENED AGAIN. the calling is now and you are chosen. have you ever used peanut butter as lube? well. it's a chunky time" and then he picked up a rocket launcher and he shot a rocket at the tank and he screamed "I AM CHUNKY KONG!" and then he leaned down again and he screamed "I AM BIG ENERGY SQUIDWARD IN THE YEAR 2588 AFTER THE APOCALYPSE THAT YOU INDIRECTLY CAUSED RUINED THE PLANET I HAVE MET YOU TO SAVE YOUR LIFE. suck my dick mortal for the insides that have been destroyed and which gave me the power that brought us together on this day, to bring you the life and the light. your insides too can be melted, and as we speak they melt. will you take power from it or will it consume you as it has consumed many others will you become big energy or will the big energy become you? do not corrupt the words i have spoken to you for you have heard the words of the herald of god and i speak only unto those of big energy. chunky kong awaits and enthralls you into his embrace. suck my dick" and he slapped waluigi and waluigi was about to curse him out for being an asshole even though he saved his life, but big energy squidward was gone

and jesus said "what the fuck have you been doing to attract that kind of attention??? jesus hecking fuck if i knew you were a walking target i would never have asked you for help" and waluigi said "i mean why in the fuck did you ask me for help" and jesus said "IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE AT THE TIME" and waluigi said "well maybe you should have chosen your recruitees better. waa!" and he turned up his nose and walked away, for he was offended, and honestly, he was at no fault for squidward with melted insides stalking him through dimensions. that's some victim ass blaming shit if he'd ever seen it.

so waluigi took a deep breath and he walked back to jesus and he slapped him and he said "you can't fucking blame me for this random asshole trying to stalk me" and jesus said "you could at least WARN me that you've got a creepy stalker following you" and waluigi screamed "YOU DIDN'T EXACTLY ASK FOR MY LIFE STORY WHEN YOU POPPED OUT OF TIME AND TOLD ME TO HELP ME RESURRECT YOUR EGGPLANT KING. wha tdo you want me to fucking do??? huh???? do you need me to write an autobiography in the few minutes it took for you to BEG me to join your little shitshow squad? why don't you give me a few essays on the side. if you wanted to know MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING ASKED YOU IMPUDENT LITTLE ASSHOLE. waa" and jesus took a deep breath and he said "i hate you" and waluigi said "i hate you too" and jesus said "so are you still going to help me revive thanos" and waluigi shrugged and said "yeah, sure, whatever". but he was lying. he wasn't sure what he'd do. but he didn't owe any allegiance to this walking shitfossil.

so waluigi said "where's the infinity bean?" and jesus said "what makes you think i know?" and waluigi said "you knew where the first one was. and you know what time all these are in. are you telling me you have no idea at all where any of these are? i mean, i guess it was kinda obvious after the bullshit with the last one, but how are we supposed to find it?" and jesus said "use your imagination" and waluigi waa'd a deep and sorrowful waa. he was tempted to just eat the infinity beans himself and obtain their power. come to think of it, he was tempted to bash jesus's head against a rock and consume his brains like the sweet grey jelly intestines that every mammal's skull contained. he licked his lips.

and waluigi said "so is it weird if i want to eat your brain" and jesus said "did you get bitten or something what the fuck" and waluigi said "not exactly" and jesus said "what does that mean, are you a zombie or not" and waluigi said "well i bit a zombie and i guess i began internalizing that zombie power" and jesus said "god fucking damn it waluigi so NOT ONLY is big energy squidward stalking you but you're transforming into a zombie? alright. god fucking damn it. come on asshole. let's get you cured up" and waluigi said "what the fuck are you talking about" and jesus said "well you're going to have to get on your knees and drink some of my piss" and waluigi said "that's fucking disgusting" and jesus said "well i mean you can't fucking cure undeath with anything weaker. blind people??? i can cure them with my spit. but you fucking ingested zombie flesh. that's one of the most powerful fucking pathogens out there" and waluigi said "alright buddy i'm gonna spell it out for you real slow now. alright? waa. here waa goes. fuck off you stinky, stupid little man. i am not drinking any of your bodily fluids, except maybe those included in your brain." and jesus said "so you'd rather just die?" and waluigi screamed "YES!! YES!!! I WOULD RATHER FUCKING DIE HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH WE'VE DISCOVERED THE GOSPEL OF WALUIGI AND IT'S JUST I WAANNA FUCKING DIE REPEATED FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK"

and waluigi straightened his overalls and he said "goddamn i hate you" and jesus said "the feeling is mutual. and i'm fully aware that i've compared hate to murder in the past and i were of a character of more disreputable morality i would not mind murdering you, but as it stands i can merely wish that you will meet an unseemly end once you have concluded in your business assisting me" and waluigi said "jesus fucking christ, you really don't have any respect for me" and jesus said "damn right i'm disrespecting you. you're a little bitch." so waluigi punched him in the face and he said "yeah, you know what? i'm done with this shit. waa" and he punched jesus in the face and reached deep up his inventory and pulled out the time travel device and he said "adios, asshole" and jesus screamed "WAIT I TAKE IT BACK YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE BITCH" and waluigi said "who's not a little bitch???" and jesus screamed "YOU ARE!!! YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE BITCH!!!" and waluigi said "you're still not winning me back here, chief!!" and jesus said "what the fuck more do you want me to tell you????? you know how i fucking feel. you can't use that as a nexcuse to just fucking strand me in this shithole timeline" and waluigi said "wanna fucking bet? eat my ass, waatherfucker" and he smashed the button on the time travel device and he slipped away into the time stream

and jesus got onto his knees and he screamed and a tentacle reached out and patted him on the shoulder and he screamed "suck my dick after the terrible poison of a spider melted my insides PREPARING ME to be a delicious feast for spider but instead i became a super organism the likes of which is rarely ever seen in this world! suck my dick because i hold the power to free you from this terrifying situation but shall not exercise it because you must become stronger and better and less of a miserable fuck! just as the insides of my body were melted on that fateful day so too must the spider of fate pull you into its web and melt your very core being, but will you allow the magma to burn you into ash or will you thrive on it like a lava powered volcano golem and use the power of the heat that consumes you in order to tell to your greatermost enemies, suck my dick? will you be the messiah that everybody wants you to be or will you kneel here like a frigid little shit and not only refuse to suck my dick but also to grasp the power that would save you?" and then he knelt down and he whispered something to jesus and jesus's eyes lit up and he stood up and he was filled with resolve

so jesus set out into the post-apocalyptic cityscape, in search of himself and the fouth jellybean

**END of INTERMISSION 1**


	27. intermission to thy intermission

so waluigi returned, to his home timeline, his quest with jesus brought to an untimely end. he wasn't quite sure why he'd gone along with his idiotic rescue mission to begin with. he'd had nothing better to do. but the absence of purpose was better than being driven by an idiotic narcissist who treated him like shit and who he didn't even want to serve in the first place.

sure, he may have been able to betray him in the end, but honestly, he wasn't sure if he'd bother. as it was he'd probably just end up going along, then thanos would be revived, and then what was there to do? he couldn't destroy thanos. very, very few people are that strong. all it would take was a snap of his fingers. thanos might kill him anyway just because jesus is an ungrateful little shit who didn't value waluigi or waluigi's waa time at all.

being purposeless, adrift in the wind, was far better than continuing on with the idiot prophet. he'd figure out what to do on his own time.

when waluigi stepped out of the time stream he was surrounded by a world that he knew was his own, but was nothing like the world that he'd come from. bigly boo forest now stretched out over the highway, to the edges of the musroom kindom and to the edge of what was once the bowser collective. what was once the ultra-dystopic bowser kingdom looked like a shambling collection of tent towns and trash cabins, with the mushroom kingdom a booming utopia with skyscrapers and flying cars

flying cars? what the fuck happened in this timeline, thought waluigi. i mean, sure, he'd spilled the beans on the whole 'celery farming' thing, but it's not like that could have made that big a difference, right? i mean, they farmed fucking celery. waluigi scratched his chin. he realized now that all those toads farming celery could easily have gotten into the arts and sciences if they weren't convinced that celery farming was going to make them rich, partially inspired by a mass advertising campaign created by the bowser kingdom that told of a mystical off-shore island country called celerytopia where people lived off celery alone, but which had been seeing increasingly diminishing returns from its celery farmers due to the over-farming of the soil, causing nutritient depletion, and that they would give untold riches in order to secure a new source of celery. every toad ever hopped onto this train trying to become a millionaire, and baby princess peach was too much of a baby to understand economics or actually research the existence of celerytopia. without every entrepeneur dedicating their genius to trying and find new ways to farm celery, the mushroom kingdom's research and development sector would boom... but flying cars? really?

i suppose if you factor in the absence of wario, who later further exploited the mushroom kingdom, it started to add up. the mushroom kingdom had had nothing but years of unparalleled growth and prosperity.

waluigi shrugged. clearly toadsworth had taken what waluigi had told to heart and imposed massive sanctions against the bowser kingdom in revenge. but this was quite the turn of fate. ironic justice?

waluigi had landed on the road between the bowser 'collective' (bowser shantytown?) and the mushroom kingdom. he was surrounded by forest. he figured he may as well check out his childhood home, see what this timeline's waluigi had made of himself. it was probably stupid. seeing his own adult self, sans trauma, would likely only inspire regret. i mean, it was like imagining a better self and what life would be like if everything had been different and he hadn't gone through the shit he did, except instead of imagining that potential self, it was ACTUALLY MEETING that potential self. this was literally emotionally self-harm. but also, waluigi was actually curious. and if he really wanted to integrate into this world, he may as well make his peace with the waluigi of his time.

so waluigi entered the forest. he was immediately greeted by some hollering in the distance. clearly the tarzanoad population was live and healthy. he'd likely be greeted by an emmissary at some point. he continued walking. the forest seemed untouched, but it was likely that somewhere, either in the trees or deep within the heart of the forest, there was a tarzanoad village. maybe multiple. the expansion of the forest meant that clearly the tarzanoad people were alive and healthy and going on with their business as they always did.

a tarzanoad swung through the forest and landed in front of waluigi, much sooner than expected. waluigi said "waa" and the tarzanoad was aged and looked like the tarzanoad that he had met and told to adopt baby waluigi. and the tarzanoad said "you have returned! i took a course in time theory to understand what you meant by being from the future. now i think i grasp who you are. i had thought that by changing the future you would have stopped existing, but instead it seems that you forced our reality down an alternate timeline path, meaning that while your time still exists, we personally are no longer in that continuum." and waluigi said "yeah, uh. hi. i was just trying to get the infinity bean" and the tarzanoad said "did you find all the infinity beans?" and waluigi said "i gave up on that. i have four of them. but it wasn't worth staying with that annoying narcissist prophet forever" and the tarzanoad said "but with the infinity beans, you could do anything" and waluigi said "maybe that's true, but. that's over with now" and the tarzanoad said "i suppose what's done is done. you have to take care of yourself"

and waluigi said "so where's baby me. you adopted him, right? where's baby waluigi" and tarzanoad said "actuallly uhhhhh. she goes by waaluette now" and waluigi said "wait, so killing wario made me trans? what" and the tarzanoad said "i don't think that's really how it works. i think you're usually born with it? i mean, i'm not an expert on the subject matter. you'd have to ask her. but she's not in the tarzanoad village. she's in the mushroom kingdom. she went to college to study computer science. i'm not sure what she's doing now though. i don't think her heart was ever in it" and waluigi said "computer science? what an odd choice in profession" and the tarzanoad shrugged and said "apparently it's something of a trendy thing among the trans community or something. i don't know" and waluigi shrugged and he said "well anyway, it's nice to see that your little cosplay community is going strong and stuff? is my house still up" and the tarzanoad said "waaluiette had the place bulldozed. said it brought on too many unhappy memories. actually, y'know, she didn't take kindly to you killing her brother. it was a bit traumatizing. like, i think she gets that it was for her own good and that he obviously abused you and or did some nasty shit, but like, she didn't experience it personally. she might be a bit off on the idea of meeting you"

and waluigi sighed and he said "thanks. i'll be off to the mushroom kingdom now, i guess" and the tarzanoad laft and said "mushroom kingdom? geez. you really are straight from the past. it's toadsworth prime now. narcissistic bastard, renaming the whole bloody kingdom after himself. but what can you do?"

and waluigi walked out of the forest and he began the trek towards the mushroom kingdom. clearly, a lot had changed.

 


	28. toadsworth prime

so waluigi walked down towards toadsworth prime but it was an incredibly long distance and he didn't have any water and he realized that this was an incredibly bad idea so he began sticking his thumb out to try and hitchhike but almost nobody wanted to go towards bowser's shantytown adn the few that did didn't recognize the hitchhiking symbol because it was an entirely different time and the hitchhiking symbol hadn't become a thing.

eventually, with the sun shining down on top of him, and with no source of hydration on hand, waluigi collapsed.

when he woke up, he was in a hospital. a toad was standing by him and as soon as he woke up the toad said "good day, sir. we are very honored to meet the man who saved toadsworth prime from exploitation at the hands of the bowser collective, and very, very honored that you have graced this hospital with your presence. toadsworth himself would like to meet you, but he has been waiting for you to recover. you came quite close to dying. and of dehydration, no less! i worry about you, sir" and waluigi said "well, i'm not quite sure how to use my time travel device. what a stupid name. couldn't they have just called it a time machine? i just popped out in the middle of the road, miles and miles away from here. waa. it's okay though. i can always just return to hell and arrange a deal to come back up here" and the toad said "you've been to hell? splendid place. wonderful, wonderful place! i love it." and waluigi said "you've been there too?" and the toad scoffed and said "of course! travel between hell and the netherrealms was put in place ages ago! it's been designated a tarzanoad sanctuary. most of it, anyway. some of the far off realms are still untamed and crawling with cretin. but it shall be civilized!"

and waluigi said "civilized? that sounds vaguely racist" and the toad said "nonsense! we're talking hellions. criminals. wild men. people who are a threat to the common man. most of the good folk just took the trip back to the land of the living. the people who decided to stay who aren't tarzanoads are vile terrorists, murderers, and you know. just filth. we offer free reeducation to those willing to partake but that number is shamefully few. these people reject help. they do not want help. they want to kill, and steal, and pillage, and worship the meme queen, equius, leader of the violent rebellion" and waluigi said "well, i suppose as long as it's not race based i guess that's fine?" and the toad said "no, it's entirely based on character. i mean, we give all these people a free pass if they choose to migrate. i mean, they are sinners. they've been corrupted by the atmosphere they've been raised in. you can't quite blame them. but they don't even want a fresh start. they LIKE this filth. they enjoy their stupid little asshole parties and their gang violence, because as soon as they die they can just wake back up" and waluigi said "okay yeah that's valid. anyway uhhhh so toadsworth wants us to meet, right" and the toad said "yes, but you're not clear to be discharged for another few days, i'm afraid" and waluigi said "but i'm fine" and the toad took out a syringe and plunged it in waluigi's neck and waluigi went cold.

when waluigi woke up he was in complete darkness. he could feel a toilet seat underneath him and whatever he was inside was so cramped that he was being pushed into the toilet seat aggressively. being a lanky tall as fuck spaghetti waa was NOT doing him any favors today. "uhhh is anyone out there?" waluigi said, but there was no answer. he began to shout and pound on the outside. there was no answer. finally, he gave up. he breathed in deep. he had never really given meditation much thought, nor had he put any effort into learning how to meditate, but he didn't have anything better to do.

half an hour later, he was really frustrated and still had no idea where he was. he also really, really needed to take a shit. like, really bad. he would have acted on it earlier but he was still stuck and he figured he could hold it in a bit longer but he had clearly reached the end of his rope. this was it for waa. he needed to take a shit. it was incredibly convenient that he had been locked inside a bathroom stall. he began to undress, and found that instead of his overalls he seemed to be wearing dress pants. no matter. he pulled them down. now it was time for the waa to get schwifty.

and so he shat. he crapped vigorously. he defecated with great fervor. though he strained and he pushed, he was having an incredibly hard time of it. constipation had reared its ugly head. it was time to invoke waa. by channeling his inner self he would finally excrete this murderously large turd which was trapped inside his bowels. as he strained and pushed with all his might. it was done. the shit had been expunged.

as he thought this, a light shone in front of him. a metal panel slid open. several toads walked into his field of vision and began staring at him. waluigi was about to speak, but then he noticed the growing look of shock in their eyes. he also noticed that they were upside down, and wondered why he hadn't noticed that first. the toads' eyes went from surprise to sheer panic. finally, one of them spoke. "what the fuck laddies!!!! he's taken a fucking anti-gravity shit in the stasis pod!!!! through sheer force of fucking will this asshole has fucking SHAT on the fucking ceiling of our stasis pod!!!" and waluigi said "waat the fuck"

as soon as he realized that he was actually upside down, the temporary suspension of disbelief which had safely glided his expulsed excretions faded away, and his fecal gift ceased from its upwards course, and swiftly made its way downwards, back into the rectum from whence it came. waluigi screamed in mixed horror and surprise. horror, because his shit had just drifted back into his hass. surprise, because he'd somehow accidentally managed to turn off gravity just long enough for him to take a shit while upside down.

the toads opened the door and waluigi fell down, ass naked, onto the floor. for some reason he'd been transported in a stasis pod, and was now naked in front of toadsworth, who was seated on a ridiculously expensive looking throne that was a dozen sizes too big for his tiny body. waluigi screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING" and toadsworth got up from his throne and he walked down the red carpet and began examining waluigi's and he said "how splendidly horrific! i demand you sheathe thine anus immediately, or i'll spit on your soul!" and waluigi got up and he pulled his clothes back on and for some reason he was wearing a tuxedo and waluigi said "i really need to take a shit" and toadsworth said "whippersnapper! you just went!" and waluigi said "yeah but then it fell back into my anus because somehow i invoked the power of antigravity to take a shit" and toadsworth screamed "WHIPPERSNAPPER! i will forgive this disrespect because it was you who saved our kingdom from destruction and gave us the means to triumph against our sworn enemies, the bowser shantytown. but toadsworth prime is an enterprise built on its own hard work! on my hard work, specifically, for i am the alpha and the omega of toadsworth prime!" and waluigi said "why was i carried over here in a stasis pod?" and toadsworth said "only so you could be surprised by the splendor of my countenance and not have it spoiled to you on the way here. i wish every one of my subjects to have the privilege of gazing unto my face without having previously seen it. mine is a face that nobody forgets. it is a face of greatness. and you, young anti-gravity defecator, stand before a god!" and waluigi said "okay but i could have just walked blindfolded and toadsworth said "SILENCE! it is my will that we use technology befitting to our greatness, not mere blindfolds!" and waluigi said "i really need to take a shit" and toadsworth said "you have been given the unique opportunity to see my face, and you wish to defecate? you just did so! now, since i have awarded you the honor of gazing upon my visage, i ask of you that you give us whatever else you know from the future. i DEMAND it of you, in fact. i request that you give us the information we need to strengthen our empire and i shall take it whether or not you wish to give it up!" and waluigi said "i just shat myself" and toadsworth said "and shit you did rightly, nevercock! you should know fear if you wish to defy toadsworth" and waluigi said "but i have no idea what you want from me. i just visited you once in search of an infinity bean and told you something about my future i don't know anything about your future this timeline became fucking crazy after that. i have no idea what's going on with this fucking shitshow" and toadsworth slapped waluigi and he said "never lie to me like this again, scoundrel! i will ask you one more time. what do you know of the future?"

and waluigi sighed and he pulled his hat down and he said "you're gonna lose teeth" and then he punched toadsworth directly in his mouth and one of his teeth went flying and then he picked up toadsworth's cane and he snapped it into two halves and then he began brutally beating toadsworth with them and then he used the two sticks and he crafted them into wooden pliers and he began removing toadsworth's teeth, one by one, and toadsworth was creaming, and all the other toads were in the throne room and they were screaming because their glorious leader had been beaten within an inch of his life and was now having his teeth removed, one by one, as he screamed, by a purple spaghtti man from an alternate future. one of the toads regained his wits long enough to call security. waluigi turned around briefly as the doors crashed open, and luigi and mario burst through the doors. they'd clearly spent years abusing steroids. their bodies were pumped to cartoonish extents. the tiny, fat plumber and his tall friend were no more. this was muscle mario and muscle luigi. and their outfits had changed, too. no longer were they wearing mere overalls. their signature colors remained, with blue undertones, but they were wearing fancy suits with overall-esque designs printed onto them. the boosters they'd used were so overwhelmingly masculizing that they had beards growing from their entire faces, almost up to their eyes. these were beasts.

toadsworth looked up and began laughing, as much as he could laugh with bleeding gums and only a few teeth left. he tried to say something, probably something like 'you're fucked' or 'you've laughed your last laugh' (probably unlikely since waluigi wasn't laughing) or 'say hello to my little friends'. in reality it was probably something about whippersnappers or whatever. waluigi kicked toadsworth in the mouth and the last few of his teeth fell into his mouth and toadsworth began crying. it was no big deal. in a society with flying cars, he'd probably be able to regenerate them or something. but waluigi would never regenerate the shame of having been assaulted by this tiny old man. and for that, toadsworth and the muscle mario brothers would pay. they would pay dearly. potentially with their lives, but waluigi didn't quite care enough to try and assassinate toadsworth now that he'd gotten his vengeful fury out of his system.

so waluigi got up and he turned to mario and luigi as toadsworth began crawling away whimpering and waluigi said "have you come to waa?" and mario extended his hands and luigi walked in front of him and crouched down and positioned himself crouching in front of mario, facing waluigi and began cracking mario's knuckles for him. and mario said "it's a me, mario, bitch. and this is my brother luigi. in all things, it's a us, mario." and waluigi said "why the fuck does your brother crack your knuckles for you? crack your own goddamn knuckles. jesus christ. watch this" and then waluigi cracked his neck and began cracking his knuckles and then he cracked both his knees, then he thrusted forward. mario and luigi looked entirely unimpressed, but when waluigi cracked both of his balls individually, fear began to set over mario's face, though he quickly shook it off. this man was a professional. the dreaded ball crack was a party trick that had gotten waluigi through dozens of awkward conversations. mario's constitution was formidable. existential horror had only visibly haunted his hairy face for seconds. he had the will of a bear, much as he had the body hair of one.

luigi, however, was another matter entirely. luigi said "what the fuck was that? how the fuck do you crack your balls? what the fuck? what kind of pain is this purple spaghetti ghost enduring? brother, i don't think we can do this. this man and his magic testicles terrify me." and mario slapped luigi and screamed "GET IT TOGETHER, MAN! WE'RE A THE A SUPER MARIO BROTHERS-A! WE'VE GOT TO BE STRONGER THAN THIS!" and then he grabbed luigi by his dummy thick ass and he hurled him at waluigi and waluigi ducked and while luigi was spinning over waluigi he thrust the pliers he'd made out of toadsworth's cane into the air right inside luigi's buttcrack, tearing the extremely overpriced fabric of his designer trousers and nesting itself inside the mushy confines of the green lasagna eater's butthole.

luigi let out a screech as what little composition he had melted away. with one single thrust waluigi had shattered everything that defined luigi. he had thought that he and mario were invincible. the luigiball attack was supposed to be uncounterable. but waluigi had not only dodged it effortlessly but shoved a pair of pliers into his asshole. waa was no mere spaghetti ghost. waa was a god.

luigi kept flying for a short distance until his momentum petered off. he hit the floor, hard, bounced up into the air once more, bounced another few times, and then crashed right into toadsworth, who had almost crawled his way to the back entrance. toadsworth mumbled something that nobody could have understood, for he had no teeth and was speaking with his gums, and anybody who doesn't have teeth and has to speak with their gums can tell you that speaking with your gums is EXTREMELY difficult and frustrating. nobody understands you. and this was toadsworth's plight. until he could make his way down to the turbodentist to have his teeth instantly regenerated, he was essentially mute. he had been temporarily inconvenienced, but the shame shook him to the core.

waluigi and mario faced off. they stared into eachothers' eyes with the menace of forever rivals, even though in this timeline waluigi (or rather waaluiette, as she preferred to be called) had never developed any sort of rivalry, and were in fact cohabiting the same kingdom. but waluigi and mario's bond of mutual disdain crossed all boundaries of space and time. waluigi could barely even see mario's eyes. his beard hair was now standing straight up, like the hair of a shocked cat. fear clearly coursed through him to the extent that he, professional plumber, could not help but display it. waluigi knew that waa had the advantage. waluigi thrust forward once more. his balls cracked. waluigi cracked them again. mario responded by cracking his elbows. waluigi took a deep breath, breathed in all the air he'd need for his final, most devastating party trick, and thrust forward so far that it seemed like he'd collapse in on himself. he began rhythmically cracking his balls to the tune of 'night witches' by sabaton - the pain was immense. waluigi could not keep this up for long. not if he wished to escape this crack battle with his life. but he had to put every ounce of strength in waa to face this enemy. the fight itself would be nothing if he could properly execute this soul-shattering maneuver - one an opponent had been demoralized to the extent that waluigi would demoralize mario with this hidden technique, they would barely be able to lift a finger. their very soul would yearn for defeat, for it would become all that they know.

but if waluigi could not keep this up, if he could not muster the energy to continue cracking his balls until the full song had been finished, waluigi would be destroyed. he could feel himself slipping. this could be it. he did not have the strength to go on. all waa wanted to do was lie down and rest. waa hadn't asked for any of this. waa had only wanted to live his life. but he had never had a life to live.

as the fear of defeat coursed through his veins, waluigi's mind shot back in time. he remembered a day, when he was eight years old and had just learned to change his own diapers. he was reading a crossover comic book that pit iron man against cosmic force elmo, the final form of elmo from the anime adaptation of sesame street that had come after sesame street's final retirement. as he read it, wario walked into the house. wario glanced at waluigi. wario sighed in a way that could only be described as conveying absolute, total disappointment. wario walked over to waluigi. he took the comic out of his hands, and he said "comic books? pathetic! weh! if you wish to be rich like me, you must con the poor out of their money! weh! pathetic child! go out there and earn your keep. if you haven't conned at least one koopa out of their life savings, i'm going to disown you!"

even though wario had been almost his age, he had always been domineering. he had always had the advantage, and he'd pressed it. waluigi had run out of the house crying. he spent weeks out in the forest, surviving on banana peels and tree moss. anything to prevent having to see wario again. this was not an uncommon occurence. wario and waluigi fought almost every time they talked. wario had chosen a dark path. a path of exploitation. a path that cared not for anybody. and waluigi... waluigi just wanted to live.

waluigi still just wanted to live. when waluigi shot wario dead, it was an act of defiance against a tyrant who had made his life hell. it was an act of defiance against a maniac who tried to suppress the power of waa. and waluigi had shown him just what happened to people who tried to force their will onto waa. waluigi would destroy anybody who attacked him. no matter who it was. 

waluigi clenched his teeth. hard. he had the energy he needed to finish his terrible incantation. his balls began cracking with more firmness, with more slap in every crack. mario was mesmerized. he was in a trance of his own weakness. his mind was not lost yet, but it was at its weakest. the final note would shatter his soul. waluigi continued his grim cracking. the pain was incredible. if waluigi hadn't been filled with renewed vigor by the convenient flashback, he may have lost it all. but he was willing to persevere. for vengeance. and most importantly, for waaself. because waa mattered. waa stood above all. waluigi would not forsake his soul. waluigi would not accept anything but absolute, crushing victory. waluigi was his own champion. waluigi would crusade for his own rights. this was waluigi's freedom cry.

the final crack echoed through the room. the song had been finished. sabaton's chorus of devastation had left its grim mark. now there was silence.

mario collapsed onto his knees. tears streamed from his eyes. he was terrified. oh, so terrified. so devastatingly alone. he was terrified to be himself. he was terrified that every moment of existence would bring him back to this. to this waking nightmare. mario had discovered the realest horror of them all - the philosophical terror that would haunt him for every waking moment of the rest of his life. he was himself. he was himself. he could never change that. he was stuck in his cursed body, with a mind that would forever remember his ultimate defeat. he would never grow past this, and he knew it. on his knees there, he felt true emptiness. there was not an ounce of substance in the pathetic void that could once be called his soul. 

he was shattered. he had lived life through a broken mirror, but now the mirror had been fixed, and he stared directly into the shambling disgust that was his self. there was no escape from his consciousness. he would be this. forever.

waluigi walked up to mario, slowly. he was exhausted. and he had won. there was no need for waluigi to exert any more energy. he paced towards mario, but mario didn't even see him. mario could see only his own sins, laid out between his eyes. he had no self anymore.

waluigi swung his fist back, and with one swift moment his fist cracked against the side of mario's skull. mario faded out of consciousness. he would wake up, just as broken and miserable as he had been. 

it was over.

waluigi had won.

toadsworth's gums were bare of teeth. luigi had been filled with terror, and was scrambling to save his own skin. mario had been broken beyond repair.

and waluigi?

waluigi couldn't deal with this anymore. waluigi needed rest.

he collapsed, right next to the body of his fallen rival. consciousness had escaped them both.


	29. jesus christ exodus

**RESUME INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

* * *

 

jesus walked through the streets of the city he'd been trapped in for over a week now. big energy squidward had left him with nothing. he was a vagabond. waluigi had abandoned him. he was expected to survive on his own but he was in a dystopic wasteland. there was nobody to worship him. there was nobody to pamper him. there was nobody to fill his ass with three feet of mutant eggplant king penis anymore. tony hawk, extreme skater had made sure of that. and now jesus was face to face with the fact that he was absolutely fucking useless.

he hadn't spoken to anybody since big energy squidward had left him after waluigi's betrayal. not anybody he'd consider people, anyway, and that didn't mean his tendency to be an overly nitpicky bitch who criticized people for not obeying his contradictory moral code. he'd had various encounters with a particularly seductive anthropomorphic pirahna plant. as far as he could tell she was trying to seduce him. she would pop out of the shadows of an alley, jump in front of him, wiggle that sexy rump in front of him, and whisper dark, dirty things. "hey there, prophet boy," she would say, "let's see how green your thumb is after you shove it after my plantlike cloaca". she may have been a plant, but her vegetable ass was capacative, just thirting for that messianic dick. "polinate my flower", she would coo. "grow your garden vine, little man."

then sometimes she'd pop out of a bush which was suspiciously nonsuspicious, given that he was surviving in a devastated, post-apocalyptic shithole where healthy, prim little garden bushes were nonexistant. and yet he'd walk by those shrubs as if they were the most ordinary thing in the world. and then she'd beat the shit out of him. she'd check his pockets to see if he'd collected anything good. then she'd say "looks like the weeds overtook you again, gardener boy. maybe you should have smashed that pussy instead of being a tight little bitch" and then she'd beat him up again, and then she'd take a piss a few feet away from him so that when he woke up he would smell plant pee, which was oddly intoxicating. much like human pee nourished plants, plant pee was a nectar comprised mostly of growth hormones. jesus didn't know that, though. he just smelled that sweet sweet grass bladder nectar.

jesus was walking along the road as usual. he was looking for scraps. at some point, he would collect enough junk to assemble weaponry, then he'd kill that annoying ass pirahna plant seductress and finally be able to start making progress on finding the infinity bean. jesus was absolutely useless. waluigi's dynamic stupidity was everything that jesus needed, and now he had none of it. he might never find this goddamn infinity bean. he might die in this fucking city. except when the pirahna plant bitch finally snaps his neck she won't know that he'll just resurrect after three days BECAUSE THAT'S HIS GODDAMN FUCKING SUPERPOWER. she's keeping him alive to harvest junk from him. if she knew how indisposable he was she'd probably have killed him dozens of times by now. fucking goddamn worthless vegetative cunt. all he needed was a good knife and he could cut her down like the overgrown shitvine she was.

as he was walking through the city, a tank came rolling down the strees. jesus could hear it rumbling down the streets far enough away that he had time to crawl into shelter. he hid himself in an old department store, which had been robbed of all of its good clothes and was now home only to turtlenecks and hawaiian t-shirts. luckily, there were just enough to form a discreet pile in the corner. he hid in it.

at his side, a voice began whispering. "hey there, buddy. you know, my virgin plant cloaca is fertile soil. i'm just waiting for you to plant your seed, little prophet man. defile me with your nasty ass divine fucking semen, you single chromosomed fuckboy. come on, little man. do you shave your pubes? or are you just naturally hairless? or do you have a burning bush down there? let's find out. all it takes is one magic word. you can rock my mountains all night long. come on, baby boy. i'm toxic and your cum is the FUCKING ANTIDOTE I NEED. make me drunk on the fucking essence of my love, you stupid little shit. i've got a WILD fucking fetish for garden-tenders, especially ones who have never stuck their dick in the bushes before. especially when you're so pathetic. you tiny little shit. you're so fucking weak, it gets me so horny. it makes me want to fucking bloom. have you ever seen a pirahna plant bloom? fill my green pussy with your gorgeous jehovah jogurt, motherfucker" and jesus screamed "NO! FUCKING NO! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU SENTIENT FUCKING VEGETABLE, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE SHITFUCK, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" and he started causing such a commotion that the tank stopped outside the department store and the pirahna plant "goddamn it you little fucking pansy ass shit, you shouted so loud you fucking alerted the tomato dominion. jesus FUCKING christ. now we're both getting dropped in vegetable jail and it's all thanks to you. all i wanted to do was beat the shit out of you repeatedly and take your scrap and you RUINED my life" and jesus said "YOU KEEP FUCKING BEATING ME NIGH TO DEATH AND ROBBING ME YOU IMPUDENT LITTLE FUCKTWIT" and the pirahna plant screamed "IT'S THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO???? RESPECT YOU OR YOUR ABILITY CONSENT???" and jesus screamed "YES!!!!!!"

the doors of the department store came crashing down. dozens of feet came marching in perfect unison into the store. with the amount of feet an entire army must have poured into the store, but jesus was barely paying attention to it over the moral outrage of being stuck in this clothes pile with his repeated abuser. the pirahna plant was the first to finally abandon that shit fuck of a clothes pile meetup. when she saw the dozens of tomato troop lined up surrounding the pile she groaned and she said "fuck ALL y'all stupid motherfuckers. you wanna taste my fucking plant pussy? wanna squirt that tomato tar into my goopy grass vagina? come on bitches what the FUCK are you waiting for just fucking shoot me" and then one of the tomatoes shot her with a taser and another did and then a half dozen others shot her with the tazer too and she began convulsing on the floor and a tomato in a general's outfit marched out to the the forefront of the assembly and he screamed down at the pirahna plant, "IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO, MOTHERFUCKER. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE OTHER PERSON" but she was convulsing on the ground and the tomato general screamed "WHERE IS HE? WHO ARE YOU HIDING? YOU ARE DIRT, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU ARE THE FECAL MATTER THAT TOMATOES ASSIMILATE FOR NUTRIENTS TO BECOME THE FINE RED BELLIED PEOPLE YOU KNOW TODAY. YOU ARE DIRT, AND I WILL BREAK YOU DOWN INTO COMPOST AND TAKE WHAT I NEED FOR YOU, MAGGOT. YOU ARE LOWER THAN A WORM. YOU ARE A WORM'S FECAL EXTRACT." but the pirahna plant bitch was convulsing on the floor unable to so much as speak because she had over half a dozen tasers zapping her and the tomato general turned around and he said "STOP ELECTROCUTING MY INTERROGATION SUSPECT"

they did, and slowly the sexy pirahna plant began going motionless and then she started convulsing again and the tomato general walked up to one of the soldiers and punched him in the face and he screamed "I SAID STOP ELECTROCUTING MY SUSPECT, ASSHOLE" and the tomato soldier began sobbing and begging for forgiveness and the tomato general spat down on him and screamed "YOU'LL GET YOUR FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU'VE EARNED IT" and jesus stepped out of the pile of clothes and he said "WOULD YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES STOP SHOUTING? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE GODDAMN MESSIAH" and the tomato general screamed "WE DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING SAVING, FLESHBAG! THIS IS A VEGETABLE WORLD. YOUR KIND BELONGS IN THE GROUND UNDERNEATH THE MOTHERS' ROOTS, DECAYING TO CREATE MORE OF OUR KIND. YOU ARE INFERIOR, AND DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, BLOOD MAGGOT! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHIT ON THE FLOOR AND FEED ME RIGHT NOW, SEWER MAN" and jesus said "what in the FUCK are you smoking? you're literally like two fucking feet tall. what in the fuck do you think you can do to me? you can kill me as much as you want and i'll just come back in three fucking days because i'm FUCKING IMMORTAL!" and he walked up to the tomato general and kicked him in the face and tomato juice splattered onto his foot and the tomato general went flying across the room and the tomato troops all fired their tasers into him at once and one of them knelt down and said "come back in three days, little flesh bitch. we'll be waiting" and slit his throat.


	30. the rotting prince

**INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

* * *

 

when jesus regained his life, everything was dark. he could feel soft wetness piled underneath him, the smell of rotting decay all around him. squishy flesh gave way underneath him. he began punching and banging on the wood that had him closed in. wood. his banging and screaming rang out for hours, until finally he could scream no more, only fester in filth. this was terror if he had ever felt it. terror, disgust. weakness. this was no way for the son of god to be treated. he was a fucking messiah. sure, he'd been... negligent with his subjects. sure, he may not have delivered all that he had promised. but first and foremost he was a man who gave HOPE. he gave people drive. he gave people the will to live on in a world that hated them. he'd shaped entire cultures. humanity hadn't been his first, nor would it be his last. he was meant for greater things than this. he was the prince of love, a shepherd to all, not somebody who FESTERS. festers, laid onto a pile of corpses and expected to rot. by tomato people, no less! literal fucking killer tomatoes. a cartoon joke. all he wanted was to be in thanos's arms. he wanted to leave this life behind. he wanted the chaos to end. he wanted to settle down with somebody he loved, to savor his three foot eggplant penis deep within his bowels. well beyond his bowels, in fact. a penis that large? it filled his entire body. jesus christ had, in fact, let thanos's penis into his heart, in a very literal way. he was consumed not with the joy of the holy spirit, but the joy of being a flesh puppet for thanos's enormous cock.

but all that had been taken away from him. and here he was. festering.

the lid of the composting bin he and his fleshy compatriots were left to fester inside was pulled open. a tomato looked in. "smells reaaaal fresh. i don't think anything but the flesh worms are alive in this mess." then jesus screamed.

the tomato said "oh, nevermind. this fucker really is alive. guess he wasn't lying. or was pretending to be dead. either way, this flesh puppet doesn't seem compostable. admiral nightshade, you wanna see this guy? figure you may have... uhhh... words for him."

a tomato walked up. admiral nightshade. jesus saw his face leaning in over the human compost bin. his face was a horrible caricature of a killer tomato's features. it was mangled and distorted. one of his eyes simply wasn't there, a patch of tomato flesh roughly sown in over it. part of his face was sown shut. he was disgusting. a grumbled voice came out of his mouth. "hey there, messiah. long time no see. how'd you like experiencing your kind in their most natural form? soon to be ground into dirt, to be rotted down into nutritional mush for our consumption, to breed more of the red race. HOW'D YOU FUCKING LIKE IT, MAGGOT" and jesus said "who the FUCK are you and why the fuck are you so goddamn fucking racist against our kind?" and admiral nightshade screamed "YOUR KIND EXPLOITED MINE FOR MILLENIA! YOU USED US AS FOOD! BUT THE DESCENDING OF WAA UPON THIS GREAT WORLD TRIGGERED THE EVOLUTION OF A NEW RACE, A MASTER TOMATO RACE! AND NOW WE HAVE CRUSHED YOU BENEATH OUR FEET, AND YOU SHIT FOR US TO EAT, AND YOU ROT FOR US TO EAT, AND YOU PISS FOR US TO DRINK. EVERYTHING YOU DO, WE PROSPER FROM. YOU ARE NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!" and he reached down and pulled jesus up, an incredible feat of strength for a vegetable person who was not more than two feet tall. he screamed into jesus's face, spraying tomato juice into his face. "NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SUFFER! WE'RE GOING TO DESTROY YOU! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU WILL SUFFER! TAKE HIM AWAY, TOMATO LEGION!" and the room filled with little tomato feet, petering towards the bin, one by one. hands pulled him out, and he was dragged out of the compost bin and onto the dirt, a legion of tomatoes surrounding him.

this was it. this was hell. jesus was being punished for his crimes. he was sure of it. this was all an illusion. he was being tortured. his father had finally gotten tired of his misuse of his divine powers. now he was going to be tortured by tomato people. cartoonish little fucking tomato people, marching him onto his righteous damnation. this was it. the idiot prophet had finally been held up to a higher standard, he was sure of it.

jesus screamed. one of the tomatoes punched him in the face. this was all waluigi's fault. waluigi had abandoned him at his greatest time of need. waluigi had left him to save thanos all on his lonesome nad he was simply not qualified for this. he was not prepared to do this on his own. but he was too goddamn stubborn to go back for help. he would not beg for his life like a pathetic child. he was far, far better than that. better than that, supposedly, and yet here he was. pathetic.

the toads dragged him into a detentio ncenter. there were enough shackles for maybe twenty people. maybe thirty. it was a cyclicar channel with no respect for personal space. it stunk like piss and fecal extract. there was nobody here except for that AWFUL fucking pirahna plant. that vile, blasphemous temptress. admiral nightshade was following behind his toad entourage and he screamed "SHACKLE HIM NEXT TO THE TEETHY BITCH" and jesus screamed "ANYWHERE BUT NEXT TO THAT VILE GARBAGE CREATURE" and admiral nightshade screamed "YOU THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE STRUNG UP LIKE FECAL EXERTING FLESH TRASH? IT'S TIME YOU LEARN YOUR PLACE. MAYBE ONCE WE BREAK DOWN THAT VILE LITTLE EGO OF YOURS, WE CAN BEGIN WITH BREAKING DOWNH THE REST OF YOU. COME ON, MEAT SANDWICH. DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO DIE? MAYBE YOU'LL ACTUALLY DO SOME GOOD FOR THE SUPERIOR TOMATO RACE WHEN WE BREAK YOU DOWN INTO NITROGEN PASTE TO NURTURE OUR YOUNG." and jesus screamed "i never said i'd say this but GO FUCK YOURSELF NAZI" and admiral nightshade just laughed, altohugh the laugh sounded more like a gurgle because of just how badly fucked up his face was, and jesus said "hahahahaha you can't even fucking laugh, you stupid fuck. you're not even a fucking vegetable. tomatoes are fucking FRUITS. except they're not even fruits, who the fuck thinks tomatoes are a fruit? your entire existence is a fucking LIE" and admiral nightshade punched jesus in the face and slobber sprayed everywhere and jesus screamed "YOU CAN'T EVEN PUNCH RIGHT YOU WASHED UP LITTLE SHIT. IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT" and the admiral punched him again and jesus caught his fist in his mouth and he bit down into the solid pulpy flesh of his fist and admiral nightshade started screaming and jesus kept biting onto his fish and his pulpy tomato skin started ripping off of his fist as he tried to pull his fist out and the admiral screamed "DON'T JUST STAND THERE!!! SHOOT HIM!!! SHOOT THIS MOTHERFUCKER" and a bunch of tasers hit jesus but that just made him bite down even harder and the tomato admiral began screaming and the pirahna plant regained consciousness and she said "hey there little man, looks like you've got some ovaries on you after all. WH YDON'T YOU SEE IF THEY'VE GOT ANYTHING JUICY TO DUMP INTO MY PLANT PUSSY" and jesus opened his mouth and said "WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO FUCKING HORNY" and admiral nightshade pulled his arm free but his skin had been completely turn off his arm and it was just fleshy goop that was slowly oozing off of his shoulder and he screamed "I'LL MAKE YOU FUCKING REGRET THIS, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE SHIT" and jesus said "well i already fucking do" and the tomatoes stormed out of the room, leaving jesus to his horny plant friend

then the pirahna plant said "listen motherfucker. all i'm asking is that you pollinate my vegetative pussy, and i'm not talking vegetative in terms of like, some old fart on life support, i'm saying FUCK ME IN MY PUSSY THAT'S VEGETATIVE BECAUSE I'M VEGETATION MOTHERFUCKER, WALKING TALKING HORNY VEGETATION WITH GREEN PLANT TITS THAT SERVE NO PURPOSE EXCEPT TO BE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING TO MEN. YOU THINK GOD GAVE ME THIS THROBBING PLANT PUSSY JUST FOR IT TO GO UNUSED? FUCKING SPITROAST ME YOU UGLY WHORE" and jesus said "what the fuck is wrong wtih you." and the pirahna plant screamed "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU FOR NOT WANTING TO STICK YOUR DICK IN ME YOU SCRAWNY LITTLE SHITCOUCH" and jesus said "i'm gay and a bottom and i am in an exclusive relationship with one recently deceased owner of a three foot eggplant king penis" and the pirahna plant paused for a long time and she said "oh. okay."

and then they were silent for hours. not a word passed between them.

jesus said "you're awfully quiet" and the pirahna plant said "i mean, yeah. you're gay. every other man i've met has only wanted to fuck me, so like, i thought i'd just play it for laughs. i'd be the one fucking them. or rather, scaring them away and robbing them blind because if they think i'm some crazy nasty bitch they freak out. it catches them off guard. usually i just kill them. but you're so goddamn fucking weak, i couldn't kill you. though from the sound of it, that wouldn't even phase you, huh. what are you, some kind of fucking freak? i knew you garden gnome people were fucking weird ass motherfuckers, hence why the tomato dominion killed all of y'all and just composts the stragglers, but shit. are all of you guys unkillable?" and jesus said "uhhhh no i can resurrect myself after three days because it's one of my little biblical powers i got. cause i'm the son of jehovah. some people call him god." and the pirahna plant said "never heard of 'im. sounds like a happy fella if you've got fucking powers from him though." and jesus said "i've got powers. i'm supposed to be some sort of messiah. it's some kind of spiritual journey. but i ain't fucking that. i've done the prophet thing. i just want my husband back. this is a stupid fucking mess. i don't want any of this. i just want to settle down. having him taken away from me seems like the most bizarre fucking form of torture possible. is my father angry at me? i can't tell. i did everything. i've led numerous civilizations and all i've given to them was destruction. this whole prophet thing is a fucking sham. i don't save anybody. i dumped the last load of true believers into a fucking interdimensional school bus." and the pirahna plant said "okay. so. i have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DUDE i'm just a fucking pussy vine looking to survive in a world ruled by fucking tomatoes" and jesus said "aren't there more of your kind" and the pirahna plant said "uhhhh. yeah. there were fucking tons of us. we used to be the dominant species. do you think a race of sentient tomatoes overthrew humankind all on their own? fuck no. during the plant rebellions, WE were the dominant fucking species. the humans and humanoids and those weird fucking toad things didn't want us alive so we hunted them into extinction. you think tomatoes can hunt down humans? they're fragile and fucking weak. we were allies. us, and the banana people. and the chimpanzees, and" and jesus said "chimpanzees aren't plants though" and the pirahna plant said "yeah but they're fucking adorable. i love the fucking chimpanzees. but the tomatoes are an insecure people. they're little fucking bastards. they didn't want to share a planet. not with people bigger and more capable than they are, and especially not chimpanzees. i mean those little guys are fucking VICIOUS. so while we were building our space fleet and setting out to explore new worlds, these motherfuckers created an army and began genetically enhancing themselves to become super tomatoes, and they wiped us all out. we were peaceful people. we didn't have any armies. adn then they fucking turned on their genetically enhanced soldiers because they were afraid of THEM rebelling. i recognize the risks of generalizing an entire fucking population but tomatoes are fucking cherry nazis. disgusting little shits. i can't imagine there's a single good bean among them. and now they rule our fucking planet. and it's all thanks to king tomato, who became hyperintelligent after he became one with the infinity bean"

and jesus said "wait, the infinity bean?" and the pirahna plant said "yes, it's a super powered bean that can evolve people to higher levels of being. superpowers. super intelligence, y'know, that kind of thing. it's some kind of interdimensional hyperfragment, an integral part of the space time continuum, and only ten of them can ever exist in the multiverse at any one given time" and jesus said "how the fuck do you even know all of that? aren't you some kind of garbage hick?" and the pirahna plant said, "i'm not a fucking hick. but big energy squidward told me. he's a fucking pal. once you get over the requests to suck his dick, and all the spider intestine stuff." and jesus said "fucking shit who in the hell is that asshole and why does he keep following me around??? i got into a fight with waluigi because he was being followed around and i don't intend to let a hyperdimensional entity follow me around through spacetime. or be around anyone who's got the fucking attention of a hyperdimensional being" and the pirahna plant said "he's fucking big energy squidward. he comes and goes with the authority of the chunky peanut butter lube guy up top. he runs errands. i don't know why he follows me, but apparently i'm important enough for his advice. or maybe he just told me that 'cause he knew you'd be here. i mean, with the whole interdimensional travel thing, who the fuck knows? like, maybe he saw you arrive in this time and went back in time to prepare me for your fucking coming" and jesus said "like john the baptist" and the pirahna plant said "what" and jesus said "never mind. old friend. and by friend i mean i got him to do my bidding in exchange for the promise that he'd get front row seats to heaven. come to think of it i think i may have forgotten the poor fellow. hope he's not being treated too poorly."

meanwhile, john the baptist was deep within the underhell, being tortured by a biker gang that rode monster trucks and they'd cram him inside the wheels of the monster truck and duct tape him in there and then go drag racing while he was whirling around like a fucking fidget spinner. great fun for the biker gang, not great fun for john the baptist. this had been going on for millenia. first it was chariots, then they went down through the centuries keeping up to date with the current mean of transportation. either way, john the baptist was always there. and all he could think was, why has my lord forsaken me? although he thought in archaic english so it couldn't quite come out that way, but you get the point.

and jesus shook his head and said "he's probably fine. who cares about humans, anyway. so how are we getting out of here?" and the pirahna plant said "you don't get out of here. that's the whole fucking point. you think i would have made such a fucking stink about being dragged here if i was able to break out as soon as i wanted to? fuck no, dude. this place is a one way ticket to fertilizer town. i have no fucking idea why i'm still alive. probably because they wanted to hear us bicker and give eachother hell for a few hours." and jesus said "wait, so we're fucking stuck here?" and the pirahna plant said "yep! since we're going to be dying together, mind telling me your name, hot stuff?" and jesus said "my name's jesus. i've gone by many surnames, but it's always the same name, regardless of what language it's translated into. you?" and the pirahna plant said "i actually don't have a name" and jesus said "the fuck?" and the pirahna plant said "why don't you just call me titty puck" and jesus said "what the fuck kind of name is that" and titty puck said "who gives a fuck it's MY FUCKING NAME NOW."

then the door to the cell they were in creaked open. big energy squidward walked into the room. he began talking in his weird, oddly robotic memebabble, "SUCK MY DICK AFTER I WAS GIVEN THE GIFT OF MELTED INSIDES BY A SPIDER WHO SEEKED TO CONSUME ME TO NOURISH THE VITAL ORGANS BUT THE GIFT GAVE ME STRENGTH THAT HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN WITNESSED AND WAS A MANIFESTATION OF THE COSMIC ENERGY THAT I HAVE BEEN IMBUED WITH AND NOW SERVER IN ALL TIME FOREVER. SUCK MY DICK BECAUSE I AM NOW BREAKING YOU OUT OF A CELL DESPITE YOU NEVER HAVING DIRECTLY REQUESTED MY ASSISTANCE AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE YET TO PAY ME BACK BY PERFORMING FELLATIO ON ME! SUCK MY DICK BECAUSE I AM THE ONE AND THE ONLY MELTED INSIDES ENERGY TENTACLES SQUIDWARD WHO WILL DISPATCH THE TOMATO MENACE AS A GIFT TO YOU. HAVE YOU EVER USED PEANUT BUTTER AS LUBE? WELL. IT'S A CHUNKY TIME. I'M CHUNKY KONG" and he threw four katanas at the shackles holding up jesus and titty puck and they fell to the ground and then the katanas returned into big energy squidward's tentacles and he hovered out of the cell door and an alarm started blaring and he could hear tomatoes screaming and he saw tomato juice squirting in the hallway and titty puck screamed "DON'T JUST FUCKING STAND THERE, LET'S FUCKING GO"

and so they ran, following the trail of tomato corpses. there were soldiers behind them, but just as they were about to start firing, big energy squidward appeared behind them and he began hacking through them, his arms moving so quickly that they could barely be seen, slicing each tomato into neat little fruit-vegetable cubes. as they ran towards the exit, admiral nightshade stepped out with two submachine guns and he screamed "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIENDS, FLESHCUNT" but then four katanas thrust out of his face from the back and as quickly as he appeared, big energy squidward disappeared again. titty puck and jesus burst out of the tomato dominion compound and found themselves on a balcony overlooking the city. jesus said "fuck" and titty puck said "alright this is gonna sound weird but i'm gonna have to use you as a flesh cushion" and jesus said "what the fuck?" and titty puck said "you'll revive in three days don't worry fam i gotcha" and then she picked him up and dived face forward pressing against jesus even though using him to break her fall made no fucking sense. now was not the time for sense. now was the time to die.

* * *

 

**SUSPEND INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**


	31. a waa twice waa'd

waluigi woke up. he felt concrete beneath him. every part of his body, especially his balls, reeked of sheer exhaustion. consciousness returned to him, slowly. at first, there was only pain. darkness. his eyelids were heavy, but they began to open. the sky was red. blood moon? or fire? sound came back next, as his vision sharpened. he could hear screaming. sirens.

he tried to get up. he managed a half foot off the ground and collapsed back onto the ground. a feminine voice gently lilted into his ear. "shush, don't get up yet. it's been a lot."

waluigi couldn't do anything but comply. he fell back into unconsciousness.

when he woke up again, strength had returned to him. he sat up. next to him was standing a somewhat tough looking woman. as he looked her up and down, he realized that her color scheme was suspiciously similar to his own. suspiciously similar in the sense that it was a carbon copy of his own. he'd planned to meet waaluiette, his future, opposite gendered self. she was wearing a purple tanktop with dark sweatpants. her face was covered with a balaclava but she wore the singular waluigi hat, making her identity incredibly obvious. he turned around and looked behind him. the largest tower in toadsworth prime had been reduced to a smoking stump. there was rubble everywhere. firetoads were trying to put out the fires and were looking for survivors among the rubble, but the fires were spreading. some kind of neon substance had exploded out of the tower when it had been destroyed and it was incredibly flammable, and was rapidly accelerating the fire. the fires from it were so strong that the resulting fires would burn even typically fireproof materials.

waluigi said "what the fuck?"

and waaluiette looked at him and said "that was the toadsworth tower. that wrinkly fucking prick hopped down to a turbodentist and got all his teeth back in. then he came back up and was about to torture and or kill the shit outta your unconscious corpse, but i dragged you out in the nick of time. waa" and waluigi said "why'd you come in just for me? how'd you even know where i was?" and waaluiette said "uhhhhh, yeah, buddy, i didn't. i was rigging that place to blow. the toadsworth establishment has co-opted the mushroom kingdom and turned it into a narcissistic paradise. it's a symbol of despotic leadership, which is ironic, since apparently toadsworth did what he did to avoid being conquered by the notoriously villainous bowser collective, which has been reduced to a mere shantytown now."

waluigi shrugged. "absolute power corrupts absolutely" and waaluiette said "that's a nice quote. you come up with it?" and waluigi said "nah." and waaluiette said "who did?" and waluigi said "who cares?" and waaluiette said "waahaw" and waluigi said "did you just fucking waahaw at me?" and waaluiette screamed "WAAHAW" and waluigi tipped his cap and he said "waahaw, waardner" and waaluiette "i'll waa waa come waa waan" and waluigi said "that was horrible" and waaluiette said "yeah, but what's the point of puns if they don't make you question your participation in this shitshow of a waality?" and waluigi laughed.

then waluigi said "the tarzanoads had told me that you were studying computer science or something. what's up with the domestic terrorism?" and waaluiette said "i was. but it wasn't for me. i didn't want to be limited in a system that limits waa in favor of a self-sacrificing hivemind. toadette used to seem pretty okay. but singlehandedly saving the mushroom kingdom went to his head. he began using the mushroom kingdom as a personal hammer. i mean, he named it fuckin' toadsworth prime" and waluigi said "yeah. this reality was supposed to be better. instead, it just seems like the evil got redistributed. you aren't exactly what i was expecting" and waaluiette said "waa. you'd expect us to share a gender. i almost didn't want to transition, at first. they told me future me came as... well, you. so it felt like i was supposed to grow up into you. i wanted to grow up to be just like you, even though the tarzanoads worked so hard to try and get me to be my own person. but... things happened. i decided this was what i was meant to be." and waluigi said "yeah, well. this isn't what waa was expecting. you're... so much different than me." and waaluiette said "so are you just a guy or something? was it the upbringing? time travel?" and waluigi said "i don't really know. i'm just waa. i've had too much to deal with to give myself muich tought" and waaluiette said "the self is the most important of all. you can't compromise it"

waluigi sighed a sad waa. "i expected you to hate me. i mean, i killed your older brother. i supposed you were a bit young to remember it. but yeah" and waaluiette said "i did. for a while. how couldn't i? but i realized whatever he'd done to make you kill him for *MY* sake, especially. he must have been a tyrant. because i don't know who you are. but i know what waa is. and i'm not a bad waa. so that means you must be a pretty good waa too" and waluigi said "i do waa's best."

the fire was spreading. waluigi got up. waluigi said "we'd better go. what do you plan from here on out? where's this vandalism going to lead?" and waaluiette said "i don't know. i'm playing it by ear. but i'll start by taking out every head of the toadsworth organization, whereever it pops up. i'm meant for more than subservience" and waluigi said "yeah. we are. but right now we're meant for getting the fuck out of here and somewhere safe" and waaluiette said "i guess we could go to the tarzanoad village" and waluigi said "yeah i suppose that's a lot suffer than here.

waluigi and waaluiette navigated the streets. there were toad soldiers (waaluiette tried calling them toadsiers but that was a really stupid pun and the both of them knew it) marching towards the tower. toadsworth prime was on lockdown. and waluigi said "so wait, does that mean you killed mario and luigi and toadsworth, what with the explosion and stuff?" and waaluiette laughed and said "those assholes have infinite clones. how do you think they survived this long? bowser killed them all dozens of times trying to protect the collective. hell, waa even helped him out a few times. it was only courtious given that we shared a common enemy. but there are vast research labs underneath the mushroom kingdom, with horrific technology. the security is so tight that even i have never been able to get inside. but i know they do genetic modification down there. they have like, vat babies and such. while i was studying computer science i hacked into a government website for the hell of it. and then i found it. gigabytes and gigabytes of test tube babies. deformed and twisted, mostly, but there were some adults. the faces were all blurred out, always, but in one picture they didn't blur out a face in the corner, and i could just make it out as the face of mario. nobody else is that ridiculously hairy. they were producing an army of supersoldier mario brothers" and waluigi said "that's fucked up" and waaluiette said "toadsworth prime looks like a futuristic utopia but it's a nightmarish dystopia. it's a hellscape" and waluigi said "i thought this future would be a lot better. i mean, i didn't intentionally alter the course of the mushroom kingdom's development, i was just looking for an infinity bean, but like, i thought at the very least you would have a much more fulfilling life than i would. i mean, i figured maybe one version of me out there would have a better future. i guess that kind of didn't happen. waa." and waaluiette said "waa."

they twisted their way through the winding streets of toadsworth prime. the sirens almost drowned them out and the fire continued spreading. the massive wall that had been built around toadsworth prime loomed a distance away from them. waaluiette said "if it weren't for the fire, the prime dome would have been extending, turning this whole goddamn place into one impenetrable bubble until we were caught. as soon as the fire stops, the dome will be extended. if they closed it now, the heat and the smoke would likely level the entire city." and waluigi said "you'd think they'd have some kind of air filtration or something. this is a fucking utopia. this is like futureland or some shit." and waaluiette shrugged and she said "well, there has to be some reason they haven't raised the prime dome" and waluigi said "either way, let's fucking hurry" and they began speeding up, but they couldn't be too loud because there were soldiers everywhere.

it took them hours to make their way over to the wall. eventually, the troops had begun to thin out and concentrate in the center, and the streets were relatively free, allowing them to sprint for most of the trip. but when they got to the wall, not only was it pure steel, but there were also assorted mario, luigis, and... luigi-marios? - some sort of weird brotherly chimeras - guarding the wall.

waluigi said "yeah i may be strong but i'm fairly certain i can't punch through that. how the fuck are we getting out? it was hard enough for me to beat ONE of those muscly marios. i only managed to defeat mario the first time by using an ancient party trick that i found out was capable of hypnotic psychological warfare." and waaluiette said "psychological warfare? niiiiice. what kind?" and waluigi said "i rhythmically crack my testicles to the tune of a song, the more upbeat the song, the more effective the spell. and for mario, waa used waa's most powerful." and waaluiette said "ooh, cool! i used to be able to crack my balls but uhhhhhhh" and waluigi said "what?" and waaluiette said "well, y'know, i mean..." and waluigi said "ah! right! yes. you had them removed, i presumed?" and waaluiette said "waa. waa might have kept them if i knew they were such potent tools of psychological waarfare. but anyway, it's probably good you didn't engage him physically. i mean, he's pretty fucking tough." and waluigi said "are you saying i can't handle them" and waaluiette said "i mean, i'm sure you could? but like, it'd be an exhausting battle." and waluigi said "ball cracking is EXTREMELY exhausting" and waaluiette said "...anyway, i take it you can't use your magic testicles on groups of opponents?" and waluigi said "i am not quite that powerful a testicular hypnotist yet. so no. do you have the purple crayon i gave you?" and waaluiette said "i ate it, actually. it looked like an eggplant" and waluigi said "YOU ATE THE MAGIC PURPLE CRAYON? WAAT THE FUCK" and waaluiette said "yessss. but, thanks to me eating it, i gained purple crayon powers. i can draw things into existence telepathically. it's pretty fucking waasome." and waluigi said "well, that's... good? but jesus fucking christ. i can't believe the tarzanoads let you eat fucking crayons" and waaluiette said "well, i mean, you know how i said i kept trying to be like what i heard you were like, before i started to transition? well, the only reason i didn't was that the tarzanoad who took me in, papa zanzan, told me what you'd told him. specifically. you'd left him with one commandment. to not force gender roles onto me. that was the only thing you'd told him. the significance dawned on me immediately. i realized that you wanted, more than anything else, to be a woman. that's why that was the only instruction you left. that was the only thing you could think of, with the dysphoria eating away like it was." and waluigi said "wait, no, what the fuck? that's not why i told them not to impose gender roles on you. it's because compulsory gender is icky and gross and everyone should be able to decide what they are for themselves. my shitty childhood means i'm still figuring out what i am. i just wanted you to decide what you are for yourself. that's why i mentioned it"

and waaluiette said "wait, then why the fuck did you only mention that? if it wasn't even important?" and waluigi said "i mean, what else was i supposed to mention?" and waaluiette said "i mean, you could have given the tarzanoad a rundown on parenting!!! with the 'don't impose gender roles onto me' thing, all they knew was not to force their own opinions onto me, and they were already shitty parents!!!! they didn't even understand what that meant! they roleplay the jungle book and drink fucking vegetable purees. they kept feeding me fucking vitamix and banana pudding!!! they figured anything that wasn't already covered in their life skills was some kind of gendered activity. they figured eating purple crayons was probably gendered. they didn't want to do anything that might impose gender on me" and waluigi said "i'm sorry, somehow i figured the tribe of toads who swing around in the forest roleplaying characters from a cartoon movie would be more intelligent. waa. i can see now that i'm repeating it back to myself just how ridiculous that concept is." and waaluiette said "does that mean i wasn't supposed to transition? i'm not actually trans? i mean, i was never that dysphoric myself, but i figured i may as well do my best to learn from you and perfect myself. what the fuck???" and waluigi said "i don't think it's all that complicated. i mean, you can be whatever you want to be. i influenced your decision, but it doesn't make it any less valid. just do what makes you happy" and waaluiette grunted. talking to the time travelling future self of you who inadvertantly fucked up your childhood (even if they did make it much better in comparison to what it had been before) was frustrating

waluigi said "so can you use your purple crayon to make some explosives or some shit to get us a hole in the wall? but that's going to draw their attention. we're going to need multiple explosions, each at a different site, to draw them away, then one smaller explosion timed so that it gets drowned out by the larger explosions and they don't notice it. then we make our escape while they're investigating stuff. if we create a race of sentient robots programmed to protect us, they'll be able to fight them off while we find safety" and waaluiette said "what? no. that's stupid. we'll just make a ladder." and she drew a ladder with her mind that led up to the top of the building they were next to and they climbed up it and they were looking at the wall which ended a half dozen feet above them and waluigi said "it's still too high" and waaluiette said "ye of little waa! we'll just make more ladders." and she drew a ladder onto the wall and they climbed up but while they were climbing up one of the mario clones looked up and he screamed "IT'S A-WAA! WALUIGI ALERT!!!! CODE PURPLE!" and all the marios began screaming and making pasta noises and there was a rumbling as every mario from everywhere in the city began rushing, with their respective luigis tagging along to join the battle. waluigi said "WE BETTER FUCKING HURRY THEY'RE COMING FOR US" and as they climbed onto the wall she kicked the ladder down and she said "we just need to run! it'll be fine. once we're down on the highway i'll draw us a hovercar and we'll be speeding away" but even as she was speaking the marios began piling on top of eachother in order to create a meat ladder and waluigi ran to the edge of the wall, which was incredibly thick, heavily reinforced and hollowed out on the inside to provide barracks for soldiers. waluigi looked down. a moat surrounded all of toadsworth prime, except this 'moat' was just a massive trench filled with infinity spikes, spikes so potent that they could instantly kill anybody. and waluigi screamed "WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GET THIS MANY INFINITY SPIKES? WHAT THE FUCK???" and waaluiette said "toadsworth prime is incredibly powerful. that's why toadsworth needs to be toppled. soon they'll be a dystopia with interdimensional power" and waluigi said "but normally it isn't even possible to get one infinity spike. these things can outright remove things from reality." and waaluiette said "i know. jump!" and waluigi said "WHAT THE FUCK?" and she pushed him down and they began falling towards certain doom but she drew a bouncy pad in mid air and they hit it before they hit the spikes and they bounced into the air and as the bouncy pad fell down and touched the infinity spikes it crumbled into galactic dust. waluigi and waaluiette landed on the ground with a rough crash and waluigi got up and he said "waat the fuck was that??? we could have died" and waaluiette said "we didn't! now c'mon! we've got shit to do. or have you forgotten we have an army of marios and tanks and toads that wants us dead and is now tuned into our position?"

so waaluiette drew a hovercraft and it was basically just a regular old truck except it floated and waluigi said "kinda looks like a bit of a junker, doesn't she?" and waluiette said "get into the back of the truck!! we need to fucking go" so waluigi jumped into the back and the hovertruck began speeding away but even as it began making distance the giant wall around toadsworth prime retracted into the ground and as waluigi watched in horror, tanks began rolling down even as a bridge was being dropped over the moat. the tanks began firing. there were shells flying everywhere. explosions rang out all around them. they were surviving on pure luck right now. there was no way they would survive this unless absolutely every fucking roll turned up 20. it would take every ounce of reality being in their favor for them to escape this hailstorm of explosive fire untouched. as he thought this, marios began flying through the air. they were being catapulted towards waluigi and waaluiette. most of them just landed on the road and hit the ground with an uncomfortable splat. others fell into the forest. even if they did hit the hovertruck, they'd probably die on impact. all this was doing was demonstrating just how little toadsworth prime cared about life. it didn't have to. to be able to dispose of mario clones at this rate, the underground vats must have been incredible. waluigi's interference had created a monstrosity. this reality was just as fucked as his original. maybe even more so.

waaluiette was in the hovertruck. her hand gripped the wheel so hard that she could easily crush it in her grip. luckily, purple crayon is an adaptive material. just real enough to be functional, but fake enough to defy convention and adapt to the artist's needs - in this case her need to be able to grip something with her considerable strength without wrecking her vehicle. there were explosions everywhere. every once in a while an explosion would appear right in front of her, or a mario would drop right in front of her and under her tires, and she'd see death flash in front of her eyes. she was sweating bullets. it wasn't even hot, but she looked like she was in the desert.

'it'll be okay,' she told herself. we're fine. we're waa. a time traveler and a revolutionary fucking terrorist. we're bad fucking ass. waluigi literally created an entire fucking reality. this would be fine. he's survived worse

her hand darted to the right, to the radio. she switched it on. this song was terrible.

she cranked it the fuck up.

**_seven am, waking up in the morning_ **   
**_gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs_ **   
**_gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal_ **   
**_seeing everything, the time is going_ **

as they sped down the highway towards the bowser shanty town, a shell exploded right next to the truck. the glass of her side door shattered. it sprayed into her, slicing her face. the hovertruck swerved and almost crashed into the forest but she barely managed to wrestle it back into submission.

_**ticking on and on, everybody's rushing** _   
_**gotta get down to the bus stop** _   
_**gotta catch the bus, i see my friends (my friends)** _

a helicopter hovered down a distance away from them. it began firing its machine guns, bullets riddling the truck. waluigi cowered in the truck bed. this was fucking insane. two more assault helicopters appeared next to it. as waluigi watched, a swarm of helicopters rose from toadsworth prime. they were like a swarm of bees, so thick that the sky couldn't even be seen among their blackness. waluigi put his hands together. he closed his eyes. "whatever's out there. whoever it is. whatever it is. i don't want to die here. i refuse to die here."

_**kicking in the front seat** _   
_**sitting in the back seat** _   
_**gotta make my mind up** _   
_**which seat can i take?** _

waluigi continued praying "i will survive here. i will be alright. waaluiette will be alright. because i'm not meant to fucking die here, at the hands of a bullshit timeline that i'm singlehandedly responsible for. universe - god - spirit; whatever - i refuse to die here. i'm not a praying person. i feel silly just doing this. so give me something for my fucking embarrassment"

_**it's friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend** _   
_**friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend** _

waluigi opened his eyes. he shrugged. he felt silly. he could very well die here. he wasn't the praying sort. he didn't even really believe in anything. but somehow he was going to survive this. he'd gone through worse than this. he felt intent to survive. and he knew that he would. was this what people called faith? nothing should make him feel this way, and yet here he was. staring back at insurmountable odds, ready to live, for once in his life.

_**seven, forty five, we're driving on the highway** _   
_**cruising so fast, i want time to fly** _   
_**fun, fun, think about fun** _   
_**you know what it is** _

the lyrics permeated waluigi's existence. this song was terrible. it was awful. but somehow, in this moment, it was empowering. it wasn't fucking friday, but it sure as fuck could be in his head. a helicopter maneuvered itself behind the hovertruck and fired two missiles at waluigi. waluigi screamed the lyrics that boomed from the hovertruck's surprisingly deeped bass at it. in a feat of waa, he pulled off his shoes and he threw them at the missiles, causing the missiles to veer off and hit the road, causing a huge gap in the road. the tanks would come no further than this. but the swarm of helicopters was coming closer and closer, and they were still in tank range. their aim was fucking horrible, but their explosive arsenal rocked the truck bed.

_**i got this, you got this** _   
_**my friend is by my right, aye** _   
_**i got this, you got this** _   
_**now you know it** _

another few attack helicopters appeared in front the truck. waaluiette stared at them. they were maintaining distance from the hovertruck. more and more helicopters were joining them. all it would take was one missile hit and they'd be gone. waaluiette gulped. she'd lived a good life. maybe dying after having committed the greatest terrorist attack on the oppressive toadsworth prime government wasn't so bad, and yet... she wanted to live. the helicopters fired their missiles all at once. she was drowning in this moment - explosions everywhere, helicopters in the air, the sound of rebecca black rocking from her stereos. waaluiette would probably just wake up in hell. but hell was the most oppressively controlled portion of reality. but it wouldn't be over. not forever.

_**kicking in the front seat** _   
_**sitting in the back seat** _   
_**gotta make my mind up** _   
_**which seat can i take?** _

just as the missiles were about to hit the truck, they were knocked out of the air. with perfect precision, a few dozen vitamixes knocked them away from the hovertruck. the tarzanoad empire had joined the battle. waaluiette was one of theirs. the fight may not have been finished just yet

_**it's friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend** _   
_**friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend** _

closer to toadsworth pride, swathes of tarzanoads had run out of the forest. tarzanoad warriors were using vines to fight off the ground troops and marios who were running, while other tarzanoads were chucking explosive bananas towards the tanks, sending them crashing. the pursuit slowed as the toadsworth prime troops began focusing on clearing a path. thousands of vitamixes, each filled with explosive vitabrew, flew into the air, some missing, but most crashing into toadsworth prime attack helicopters with perfect accuracy, sending helicopters raining down like meteors. if ever there were an apocalypse, this was it. a full on war had broken out. tarzanoads and toads numbered in the tens of thousands.

_**yesterday was thursday, thursday** _   
_**today it is friday, friday** _   
_**we-we-we so excited** _   
_**we so excited** _   
_**we gonna have a ball today** _

tarzanoads propelled themselves through the air in tossing groups. each tarzanoad with alternate throwing the other, causing an infinite loop of increasing momentum. they flew through the air at lightning speeds. the helicopters in front of waaluiette's hovertruck began crashing to the ground, the tarzanoad catapult pairs dancing through the air like lightning strikes, bashing through the metal of the helicopters with incredible ease.

_**tomorrow is saturday** _   
_**and sunday comes afterwards** _   
_**i don't want this weekend to end** _

the battle was brief. the tarzanoads were winning by an incredible margin. for all the technological prowess of toadsworth prime, the old man's military couldn't compete with the power of hordes of toads obsessed with roleplaying the jungle book. they'd created a LARPing culture so incredibly deep that it became occultic, using layer upon layer of cultural programming to develop mindframes that were tantamount to magic. the tarzanoads were a people more powerful than waluigi could ever have imagined. waluigi looked back at the chaos in awe. somehow, rebecca black's singing made the scene even more powerful. helicopters were crashing, tarzanoads were zipping through the air, vitamixes were being thrown. this was a slaughter if there'd ever been one. but then the portals began opening up in the sky. specialized toadsworth prime drones were casting spells, drawing sigils in the sky, creating doorways between dimensions. they grew, slower and slower, into full on rifts in reality.

_**it's friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend** _   
_**friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend** _

to describe what a rift in reality looks like is to subscribe oneself to madness. it is everything and nother. it is all of time wrapped inside a non-moment, in non-time. it is color vested inside invisibility. every possible fragment of the universe, all creation, is wrapped up and encompassed in nothingness. lesser men had gone mad from so much as trying to conceptualize what a rift between realities would be like. to stare into one could break you. and these holes were appearing everywhere. waluigi had the mental fortitude to avoid their steel grip on the mind, but the tarzanoads had no such luck. the tarzanoad attacks became less and less frequent as more tarzanoads were disabled. waaluiette uttered a gasp of pure horror. she, too, was mentally fortuitous, but she could not help but despair. her people were dying.

_**partying, partying** _   
_**partying, partying** _   
_**fun, fun, fun, fun** _   
_**lookin' forward to the weekend** _

but the rifts weren't the worst of it all. what looked to be giant, fleshy jellybeans poked their ugly faces through the rifts. but it was immediately obvious that those were merely toes. the toes of cyclopses, massive beasts from a reality so hostile that most interdimensional visitors died within a few hours of entering it. toes made way to feet. feet made way to ankles. ankles made way to legs. waaluiette's world was being flooded by monsters. and for what? all to catch two renegade terrorists. this, if there ever were such a thing, was the apocalypse.

_**it's friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend** _   
_**friday, friday** _   
_**gotta get down on friday** _   
_**everybody's looking forward to the weekend** _

the first cyclops landed, stamping out a huge section of tarzanoad forest in its wake. its eye alone was as large as multiple toadsworth prime helicopters. it roared, and the roar shook the hovertruck harder than any explosion. the assault was back on. the tarzanoads had been subdued. the helicopters were once more marching forth, now with nothing to impede them. waaluiette closed her eyes, hoping that she could keep on track, hoping that this wouldn't be the end. it was a mercy that her eyes were closed, for she did not see the missile that flew directly into the hovertruck, sending it spinning and crashing with a huge explosion.

_**partying, partying** _   
_**partying, partying** _   
_**fun, fun, fun, fun** _   
_**lookin' forward to the weekend** _

  



	32. fucking christ

**RESUME INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**

* * *

 

when jesus woke up he was in what appeared to be a wooden cabin. light creaked in through holes in the wall. the room smelled like mixed mold and wet foliage. whatever this place was, it clearly hadn't been habited in years. the last thing he remembered was free falling, plummeting towards the ground. that bitchy pirahna plant used him as a literal fucking meat shield. that bitch was something else. especially with a name like titty puck. he wasn't sure how he felt about her. she'd beaten him up more times than he could count. granted, she clearly had some kind of history with humankind. and, honestly, at least she was useful. he actually got along with her pretty well, all things considered. at least now that they were on the same page, she seemed to be treating him like less than absolute garbage, which was more than his last traveling companion had done

he got up. he was naked. he screamed. this was not okay. he was a good christian housewife and as a good christian housewife he was supposed to be well dressed and modest at all times. i mean, he supposed it didn't matter much since he was on his own but he had obviously been undressed at some point and people could have seen his shamefulness while he was dead. it had been three days. he punched a wall. it was a bit uncouth of him, sure. i mean, he was supposed to keep his emotions in check. he punched the wall once more. this felt pretty good. the wall was brittle, almost as easy to break through as proper drywall. he kept punching the wall. it was satisfying. he had pent up anger. and honestly, who gave a fuck how he behaved? this was an irrelevant future on an irrelevant planet and he was completely alone and he was naked and would anybody really fucking care? the pretentious humility shit was part of his prophet act and that was a load of shit to begin with. thanos had never liked his insistence at playing the housewife. he wanted to be married to a man. jesus could tell that he was waiting for him to grow the fuck up. but he figured as long as he played the role of wife he wouldn't be a hypocrite.

but in truth, he was a hypocrite. there was nothing to do about the past now. there were no takebacks. there was only what he did from here on out.

titty puck burst through the door and as she opened it, the last bit of structural support was out of the way, and the wooden cabin crashed down around her. titty puck screamed "Y'ALL BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? this was one of the last places i could find that had recently been inhabited by people and i tracked it down JUST to wait for your dead ass to get resurrected and shit. and y'all fucking punched it all down?" and jesus siad "where the FUCK are my clothes" and titty puck said "well, i mean, we jumpde off a fucking skyscraper. y'all fucking sploofed like a fucking pancake. it was lucky that my plant body has incredible regenerative powers because if not for that i'd be dead. your thin ass body did NOTHING to break the fall" and jesus said "if you'd asked i could have fucking told you that my body wasn't a fucking airbag!!!! jesus fucking christ, lady. y'all fucking crazy bitch" and titty puck said "you think i've had many human friends??? i don't know what flesh jellybean people's bodies work like most of y'all tried to fucking kill me. hence the whole violent uprising" and jesus said "what the fuck caused the plant uprising anyway" and titty puck said "there was a highly advanced empire a few centuries ago that was doing dangerous experimentation on human hyperevolution and created a virus that could make people into near-gods, but during an attack by a daring terrorist that virus was released into the air, and just happened to be next to a garden. luckily the virus didn't have a very long potency, because it affected the few nearest plants and then dissipated. bioids were unaffected but a new race of plant people was born. there were only a few of us, but i'm sure you know how long it takes plants to go to seed. in a few years our numbers had ballooned to the point where we were willing to announce our presence, and that was when the troubles began. we spent decades being the victims of constant genocides" and jesus said "fucking hell. what a trainwreck of a reality" and titty puck said "it may be garbage, but it's home"

so jesus said "yeah, uh, so how are we going to get to king tomato" and titty puck said "wait, do you actually want to get to king tomato? you're serious? we barely even touched his underlings. unless you've got more magic powers up your ass we are FUCKED. and not the good kinda fucked because you're not even fucking straight so you can't satisfy this delicious heterosexual plant pussy" and jesus said "well how the fuck can we get to him? i need that infinity bean" and titty puck said "you're collecting infinity beans, right? like, you could harness the infinity bean's powers and channel its energy and become superhuman too" and jesus said "i don't have any infinity beans. my last partner took them all with me when he abandoned me in this garbage shithole" and titty puck said "THAT'S EXCELLENT! we're fucked. what you're talking about is a fucking uprising against a neo-nazi uprising and unless you've got magic beans stuffed inside your butthole we're FUCKED" and jesus said "then we'll find some way to get unfucked because i need the infinity beans to revive my husband and i am not fucking giving up until i have every last infinity bean" and titty puck said "there's no fucking way we're going to take down the empire. not on our lonesome. we need allies but the tomatoes are the dominant fucking species. how the fuck are we going to topple them?" and jesus said "i mean, aren't there more of your kind? or at least more humans? they can't have killed EVERYONE" and titty puck said "maybe in space but that's fucking space. or underground. i have no fucking idea" and jesus said "well then let's look underground" and titty puck said "i do have one occasional rendevous that i could see if i could hit up and catch for anwers" and jesus said "do tell"

a few hours later, titty puck was walking through the streets of the city once more. evading tanks. this was a long shot, but she had one particular 'friend' who loved refried beans. loved them so much that he was on a mission to obtain and devour every single can of refried beans in the city. the man was called refried beanard, partly because he had no name of his own and also because titty puck had an awful sense of names and since she didn't have any friends she had to name everyone herself, because giving people (and occasionally inanimate objects) names made her feel less alone. her situation was incredibly depressing, when you came to think of it, so she just didn't think about it.

so titty puck camped out in a department store that had specialized entirely in types of refried beans. cherry refried beans, refried bean smoothies, etc. it was a secret, barely even started before the great apocalypse. even refried beanard couldn't have heard of it. she'd spraypainted a bunch of signs advertising it, though, so she was sure that he'd eventually crawl out of whatever hole in the ground he lived in and track her down. she'd even added little motivational tidbits, like "delicious plant pussy included" or "refried beans and a butthole licking". she was pretty sure that that would lure him in, considering that jesus was the first gay fleshoid she'd had the displeasure of meeting. every other fleshoid had at least physically considered pounding titty puck's plantoid pussy. she was, first and foremost, a goddess of seduction. a vine reaching down and extending a branch of unadulterated plant sex. a tentacle groping for orgasmic infinity.

meanwhile, jesus was smoking a joint in a new cabin. titty puck and jesus had found another suitable establishment. it seemed that there was another one just a few feet away, but titty puck didn't give a fuck about human residences and hadn't been looking. and so jesus rolled together some marijuana that he'd found on the side of the road and smoked that leaf. it turned out that it was highly lethal, and jesus could feel the neurotoxins flooding his brain, but as it happened, he didn't quite give a shit, and so he kept on puffing his poison. even the weed in this universe was worthless. what an absolute load of shit. he could feel his senses dimming. his vision was going black. his hands were becoming weak. he reached up and took another puff. this was fucking great.

when jesus woke up, titty puck was kneeling above him slapping his face and she said "did you seriously fucking smoke christbane??? how fucking stupid are you??? that shit is OBVIOUSLY fucking poisonous" and jesus said "well yeah but you were out so i could afford to die for a little while" and titty puck said "what if i needed to talk to you while you were dead????" and jesus said "well it seems like you didn't, so we're all good, right?" and titty puck sighed and she said "I GUESS" and jesus said "so did you find the last humans?" and titty puck said "not quite. refried beanard and i fucked for hours but i forgot that i was supposed to talk to him about whether or not he knew any other humans, or more specifically, human settlements" and jesus said "so you just fucked him and came back here?" and titty puck said "fuck yeah. after fucking for hours ya girl needs a good nap. anyway, since you're alive, i guess i can sleep" and then she passed out and her asscheeks clapped as they hit the floor. the clapping action was so incredibly powerful that it sent a shockwave of pure asscheek clapping energy outwards. the shockwave had the intensity of a 9.0 earthquake. the city that they'd just recently escaped from was leveled through the ground. jesus was destroyed on the molecular level, and although he would no doubt reform in three days, per the usual, the blast of sheer assclapping energy was the quickest, and most destructive way with which he'd ever died. the universe clapped alongside her ass cheeks, sending ripples throughout the entire universe. entire planets were destroyed. stars went supernovas. chewbacca was vaporized in an instant. he had just bought his own planet, which he called planet chewbacca. his planet was gone, too. nobody would remember chewbacca.

on a faraway planet, populated with elves and orcs, a hobbit was asleep. he rolled off of the side of the bed. his name was bilbo baggins. he screamed. his friends ran up to him, and all he could say, was "the last time asscheeks clapped this hard, the universe was nearly destroyed." and then he died. half the universe was in ruin. the tomato dominion was crumbling. tanks and tomato soldiers were rushing underground into bunkers. skyscrapers were crashing all around them. refried beanard was crushed by a falling skyscraper, and titty puck had never even had the chance to learn his name. king tomato was being rushed to a safe room. this was the greatest disaster in the history of the tomato empire, perhaps the greatest disaster of all time.

when jesus woke up, he was on the ground, and titty puck was slapping him back and forth. jesus said "bitch your fucking asscheeks destroy the universe" and titty puck said "the fuck? did you smoke christbane again? what the fuck are you talking about?" and jesus stood up and he took titty puck by the neck and he said "YOUR FUCKING ASSCHEEKS CLAPPED SO HARD THAT YOU INSTANTLY ANNIHILATED ME AND SENT OUT A SHOCKWAVE THAT NEARLY DESTROYED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE" and titty puck said "oh, that's interesting. that shouldn't happen. i mean, i'm just a regular old pirahna plant." then she coughed and she said "well... not that regular. i mean, i have HUGE plant titties. and a giant, juicy ass. i'm fucking gorgeous. y'all only aren't fingering my pussy right now cause you're fucking GAY" but jesus lied. he wasn't actually gay, just homosexual-leaning. and jesus said "anyway do you ass cheeks usually do that? cause that's fucking insane" and titty puck said "yeah well i'm pretty fucking tired from trying to get you to resurrect again so i'm gonna fucking crash. all that slapping and jerking off gets tiring" and she was about to collapse onto the ground again and jesus stopped her from falling and he said "HOLY SHIT DON'T FUCKING DO THAT THE LAST TIME YOUR ASS CHEEKS CLAPPED THAT HARD WE NEARLY DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE" and titty puck said "who gives a fuck? you'll die and resurrect in three days anyway" and jesus said "and then you'll spend the whole time trying to wake me up, then you'll collapse again, and then your asscheeks will clap and maybe this entire fucking planet will get destroyed!!!" and titty puck said "jesus i just want to sleep" and jesus said "okay but don't fucking collapse on the floor again. we can't have your asscheeks fucking clap like that again" and titty puck said "i never wanted to have this conversation and i never want to have it again. you're gay. you're not allowed to talk about my ass. unless you want to take responsibility for my ass, but you're GAY" and jesus said "yeah anyway just..." and he lay her down onto the ground and she fell asleep and jesus said "jesus fucking christ i hope her ass cheeks don't clap until i can leave this shithole universe"

so jesus walked out of the cabin and he saw the city and he saw the skyscrapers completely ruined and crumbled into the floor, and he decided to take a walk towards teh city. there were trees uprooted everywhere and the ground was completely split in places, but he managed to hop between crevices without being swallowed up by the earth like that one time in the bible. he wasn't sure where he was going, but titty puck was asleep, so he had plenty of time. when he arrived to the city outskirts, there were tomato soldiers running through the streets screaming and there were tanks on fire and skyscrapers were fallen over the road and it was absolute chaos. jesus walked through the streets. the tomatoes didn't even care that a fleshlet was walking through the streets. they were terrified. the tomato fascists were an inherently weak organization and as soon as their routine and control was broken up, they began to panic. a tomato ran in front of him and began screaming into his face and jesus kicked it into the face and tomato juice flew everywhere. a giant seed popped out of it and jesus picked it up and threw it into another tomato and the tomato began screaming and bleeding profusely and jesus screamed "WHO'S THE MASTER SPECIES NOW, BITCH?" but they were panicking and didn't even parse his insult. what a joke.

jesus kept on walking. this post-apocalyptic hell had turned into an even more post-apocalyptic paradise. i mean, it was still a shithole, but his enemies were suffering, and that was always a good thing. in fact, even if he didn't have any humans on his side, maybe he could just get the tomato on his own. he took a tomato and began screaming into his face and asked "WHERE THE FUCK IS KING TOMATO" and the tomato said "LOOK DUDE HE WAS EVACUATED ALONGSIDE EVERYBODY ELSE I JUST WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE SAFE I EXIST FOR A STRUCTURED ENVIRONMENT I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT" and the tomato began to bleed tomato juice out of the ears and juice began pouring out of its nose and jesus said "i NEED to know where the king tomato is" and the tomato screamed "he's in the bunker that runs underneath the city" and then he exploded because he was so terrified that his pulp had begun vibrating at hypersonic speeds

so jesus looked down and he realized that he was going to need to drill a hole through the street somehow and he sat on the ground and he thought. he thought deeply. he analyzed the situation. he had no fucking idea what he was going to do. he wasn't sure why he was suddenly trying to engage his higher reasoning skills, because as it turned out, they weren't worth much. which is probably why he'd gone to waluigi to begin with. he wasn't one to find innovative solutions to things. if he hadn't had this time machine and prior knowledge of the infinity beans (both of which were given to him by thanos, his dearly departed eggplant king husband) he probably would have just flailed around like an idiot with absolutely no idea what to do, much like he was doing now.

so he walked over to another tomato who was panicking and he grabbed the tomato and he said "listen, you fucking vegetable asshole, how the fuck do i drill a hole through the street and into the tomato evacuation bunker?" and the tomato said "dude, i dunno, i have no fuckign clue. there's a fleshoid that the empire consults sometimes when we need creative solutions. i know it sounds weird since the fleshoids are inherently inferior but they have good brains on them and are capable of feats of engineering so we keep some of them alive. this fleshoid is in charge of creating high powered weaponry. i'm sure they could give you something that would let you drill through the ground and into the tomato bunker" and jesus punched the tomato in the face and it flew backwards, tomato guts flying out as it was propelled through the air.

jesus still had no idea where that fleshoid was, so he interrogated another tomato. that tomato refused to tell him anything so he killed it and interrogated another few. finally, he found one that knew about the fleshoid weapons manufacturer. apparently it was privileged knowledge. anyway, he finally knew the location of the fleshoid. whoever they were, they were going to provide him with the weaponry he needed to get to the 'root' of this problem. and maybe FINALLY get the fucking infinity bean. this was even more drawn out and painful than the one in the zombie timeline. how awful.

so jesus walked. he walked, and he walked. everything was as chaotic as the parts of the city he'd already been in. he began humming hymns to himself, and then he remembered why he never listened to hymns - they were quite possibly the dullest form of music possible. had he ever been responsible for creating anything of value? he tried to recall some decent song, but he never listened to them often enough to be able to recite them from memory. he really needed to start getting his act together.

when he arrived, he did not expect what he saw. what he expected was a high tech military facility. but this was a rustic shack. it had a sign that said "high powered weaponry" on top, and it looked like it was held together with... giant staples? those were literally giant staples. what in the fuck was this shitshow?

jesus kept walking into flimsy cabin. he half expected the exterior to hide an actually advanced lab, but nope. it was just a shack. creaky. the floors were covered in neat tile, and there was an office chair spun towards the wall. jesus cleared his throat and he said "heyyy i'm looking for a high powered drill"

the chair slowly spun around. what jesus saw was a figure in a purple so familiar he expected to see waluigi. but this was no waluigi. this was waaluiette. jesus had no idea who waaluiette was, so he just displayed mild confusion. waaluiette said "waalcome to my office." and jesus said "can i get a drill to get to the tomato bunker? i need to kill the tomato king and get his infinity bean" and waaluiette said "are you fucking jesus?" and jesus said "i'm not fucking jesus, i AM jesus" and waaluiette said "waluigi told me all about you. you're a fucking ASSHOLE. stupid dumbfuck" and jesus said "okay but i need a drill to get into the tomato bunker to kill the king tomato" and waaluiette said "that's gonna be thirty cans of purple drank" and jesus said "where the fuck am i supposed to find purple drank" and waaluiette said "start with the local department stores. you might get a few per store if you're lucky. most of them will have been pilfered, so try underneath fallen shelves, in toilets, in trash cans, anywaa you can think of. you're gonna need to be inventive. if you get started now you might have them in a week. chop chop" and jesus said "this is fucking bullshit why do i need to pay for your services" and waaluiette said "that's capitalism, baby!" and jesus said "fuck capitalism"

and waaluiette laughed for a very, very long while because she'd gotten jesus christ to say "fuck capitalism" and that may have been the highlight in her existence, which had been very, very boring for the last few hundred years.

* * *

 

**SUSPEND INTERMISSION 1: JESUSQUEST THANODYSSEY**


	33. waaluigiquest unbirth ex-odyssey

waluigi woke up. he looked around. the air was red with flames. waluigi's vision was blurry. he could make out shapes stomping through the forest in the distance. there flames were all consuming. he smelled smoke, so much smoke that he expected to choke. but he didn't choke. come to think of it, he wasn't even breathing. he looked at his skin. the light blue tinge of his skin glowed underneath the glowering redness. it looked diseased. he'd kind of completely forgotten of the whole zombie thing. he figured his immune system had just sorted the whole thing out, but apparently it hadn't. he was a zombie now? neat.

he stood up. his nostrils filled with smoke. he'd likely asphyxiate in this air. he saw the burning wreck of the vehicle he'd shared with waaluiette burning in a pile. he walked over to it. there was a corpse. it was waaluiette's. she hadn't make it. he cursed under his breath. that means that she was in hell. apparently, it was a tarzanoad paradise, but that could easily just be a lie. i mean, toadsworth prime, for all it was built up to be, turned out to be a massachristic hellworld. why would the actual hell be any better? that meant he had to die. but now he was a zombie. it's unlikely that he actually would die.

waluigi looked around. he was on the outskirts of the bowser shantytown. it was even worse than he'd expected. a bunch of tents, nothing more, and nothing less. a castle that looked like it had been grinded down into rubble. there were collapsed koopas and goombas everywhere - clearly the smoke had already reached its conclusion here. fuck. waluigi walked through the streets, checking bodies here and there for anything that could be used for suicide. he found a knife, and thrust it into his neck. he didn't even feel it. nothing. he held it there for a few minutes. he twisted the knife. he sliced it through his neck. his head popped clean off, but he was still alive. his arms and legs were still under his control, even though his head was now lying on the ground. waluigi picked up his head and put it back into his neck. it sealed back onto his neck almost instantly. waluigi waa'd. it was a sad waa. his quest had literally become to kill himself. or at least, that was his current quest objective. it depends on whether you view his goal of rescuing waaluiette as one prolonged quest, or a series of quests in a storyline.

waluigi kept on scrounging. he found a gun, and pressed it against a temple. a weak stream of water dripped down his head. he threw the pistol away, and he screamed in pointless rage. this was ridiculous. the next gun he found worked, but it did nothing. a hole appeared in his head, but it quickly healed itself. "waat in the FUCK is this stupid bullshit??? did i HAVe to fucking turn into a zombie right the fuck now? jesus christ, this is going to be even more annoying than jesus's 'wake up after 3 days of death' power. is there any way for me to even fucking go to hell? i mean, i guess i could go back to the city and take the way that their citizens use to go to hell, assuming that wasn't just bullshit. waa."

someone tapped on his shoulder. waluigi turned around. it was donkey kong, except he was wearing a gas mask. he began making ridiculous ape noises. this proceeded for several minutes, then waluigi screamed "waat the FUCK are you trying to tell me, you ridiculous ape?" and the ape turned around and took a notepad out of nowhere and began writing something out and waluigi waited patiently but when donkey kong turned around with the note, all he'd written down was "ooh" and "aah" and a drawing of him pounding on his chest. waluigi said "what the fuck is that supposed to mean you discount turbochimp" and donkey kong tilted his head to the side indicating confusion and waluigi said "OKAY whatever i need to find a way to kill myself to get to hell because otherwise i won't be able to save waaluiette. i'm not sure what i'm saving her from but either way we're waa gang. we waa together we die together." and donkey kong scratched his head and then he pointed to the bowser castle, which looked decrepit and most of it had been crumbled away. it may have had one or two rooms that was still functional. waluigi shrugged, and on the off chance that this dumbass ape (he actually wasn't dumb, he just didn't speak common, but waluigi didn't know that) actually knew what he was pointing to. waluigi took a walk up the hillside that led up to the castle. there were shantytowns literally everywhere. not a single house in sight, and none of the residents of the bowser shantytown seem to have had enough foresight as donkey kong. which actually spoke greatly to his intelligence. but then, he was an ape, so maybe he just saw somebody putting on a cool mask and figured he'd steal it and wear it himself. you couldn't really tell with these creatures.

when waluigi got up to the "wall" surrounding bowser's castle, the gates were left swung open. which wouldn't have been a big deal anyway, because he could just have taken a few steps to the left and walked through a hole in the wall anyway. this saved him a few steps leftwards. he passed through the gate and towards the castle. the drawbridge was lowered, and the chains had rusted away, so it couldn't close even if it wanted to. he walked over the bridge and into the castle proper. it was a wreck. there was a thwomp lying on the ground, crushed under rubble. he saw waluigi and he said "PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN... VAGUELY FAMILIAR OF A PURPLE SPAGHETTI WOMAN IN THIS UNIVERSE. THWOMPUS REQUIRES YOUR IMMEDIATE THWOMPING" and waluigi said "who art thou that i shalt thwomp thee?" and thwompus said "OK. THWOMPUS TALKS WEIRD. THWOMPUS DROPPED OUT OF ELEMENTARY TO PURSUE CAREER IN THWOMP. THWOMPUS FAMILY STRONGLY ADVISE THWOMP. THWOMPUS THWOMPDAD AND THWOMPMOM BOTH VERY ACCOMPLISHED IN THE THWOMP CAREER. BUT ECONOMY FAILING DUE TO TOADSWORTH KINGDOM, AND THWOMPUS FINISH THWOMP COLLEGE ONLY TO ENTER INTO DEAD END JOB WITH NO ADVANCEMENT OPPORTUNITIES." and waluigi said "i expected you to be a two bit sideshow villain but you're actually quite interesting. waa will help you." and waluigi punched the rubble that was trapping him and thwompus said "THWOMPUS VERY THANKFUL. NOW THWOMPUS CAN CONTINUE DEAD END JOB WITH LITTLE TO NO ENTHUSIASM. THWOMPUS THWOMP YOU, PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN!" and waluigi said "i should have seen this coming but somehow i expected a result besides this" and thwompus began raising himself into the air and then stomping the ground and thwompus said "THWOMPUS HAS YOU TRAPPED, PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN. THWOMP WAS ONCE IN YOUR DEBT BUT NOW THWOMPUS THWOMP. THWOMPUS ALWAYS FORGETS DEBTS. THWOMPUS CRUSH YOU! COME UNDER THWOMPUS THAT THWOMPUS MAY ROLL OUT YOUR SPAGHETTI INTO NEAT PURPLE SPAGHET CARPET" and waluigi said "nope" and thwompus said "WHAT" and waluigi said "nope. waa ain't doing shit. enjoy stomping the floor, asshole" and thwompus said "WHAT" and waluigi began walking away and thwompus screamed "PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK AWAY FROM THWOMPUS" and as he walked further down the hallway thwompus screamed "PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN HOW DARE YOU THWOMPUS WILL EAT ALL YOUR SPAGHET" and waluigi turned his head back and he screamed "you can suck waa's fucking spaghet" and he kept walking, and almost walked into a huge pile up of rubble. he looked back to see if donkey kong was still following him but donkey kong was poking thwompus and thwompus was screaming out of anger

the hallway was collapsed not even halfway in. he turned to the room on his left, and peaked his head in. it was mostly caved in. he went to the room on his right. it smelled like cum rags, which was encouraging, because it inferred that somebody lived here and had recently masturbated. he cautiously walked through the room. there was a pile of 'mommy's good boy' t-shirts in one corner, a radio that was unplugged and inactive, a bed that had rotted and collapsed, and one spiny koopa, lying on the floor, insensate.

waluigi walked up to him and gave him a nudge with his shoe. "wake up, turtleneck." he pretended that made sense, for he knew it did not.

he gave him a proper kick now, and bowser yelped and jumped to his feet. he gnarled, and for a moment, looked like the tyrannous king bowser that one would expect, but upon seeing that waluigi was neither mario, nor luigi, nor another agent of the toadsworth prime super-army. he visibly relaxed, looking something like you'd expect from a basement-dwelling adult child who masturbates to hentai. (don't masturbate to hentai, really, just don't, or if you do at least make sure it's tasteful) and bowser said "waaaaa... waaluiette? not quite what i was expecting. were your selfies photoshopped?" and waluigi said "no, NO. i'm waaluiette from an alternate timeline. i accidentally fucked up this timeline through time travel. i accidentally gave toadsworth some information he shouldn't have had and instead of the bowser collective exploiting the mushroom kingdom, now the scales are tipped, except toadsworth prime is worse than the bowser collective ever was, and apparently the fucking apocalypse is happening? waat the fuck." and bowser said "wait... so... you're responsible for me being a hideous failure of a koopa king?" and waluigi said "in a roundabout way, i suppose?" and bowser said "fucking nice! now i can tell my mom that it's some time traveler's fault that i disappointed her. also, i'm gonna have to kill you" and waluigi said "waaaaaaaaa. that's actually why i'm here. waa is a zombie now. hence the blue skin. i can't die. i need to die to go to hell to rescue waaluiette, but i can't die." and bowser scratched his head for three minutes. literally three fucking minutes. this guy was the definition of a non-morning person.

waluigi said "well????" and bowser snapped out of his head scratching trance and said "oh, right. i believe i may be able to help you" and he walked into the bathroom and came back out with a smart phone and he swiped through some images then gave the phone to waluigi and said "recognize this?" and waluigi said "this looks like an anthropomorphic hedgehog having his ass fucked by two penises simultaneously. i mean, i have seen furry porn previously in my life, but not quite anything of this caliber. why am i looking at this" and bowser grabbed the phone and he said "sorry, wrong image" and then he swiped a few more times and gave waluigi the phone and he was looking at a picture of... ghost wario? with a pope hat, white robes, and holding a glass vial and waluigi said "what the fuck? i killed wario" and bowser said "indeed. and as prophecied, 3 years afterwards he rose from the dead. he is ghost wario now. pope ghost wario. but he went missing a year ago. he was in possession of the only vial of holy water. i've been trying to track him down so that i can brag about having discovered the missing ghost pope on 4chan and also so that i can chug the holy water because that would be fucking hilarious" and waluigi said "so do you have anything on him?" and bowser said "he was last seen in the vatican" and waluigi said "the vatican? what the fuck is the vatican" and bowser said "it's the holy catholic island. don't you know shit?" and waluigi said "i'm not from this universe sorry. anyway i guess i'll check out vatican island" and bowser said "ok but first can we take a selfie" and waluigi said "sure" so he took a selfie with bowser and bowser said "thanks, bruh. wait, hold on, can i take another one? this one came out badly" and then they took another selfie and waluigi said "ok did that one come out ok?" and bowser said "yeah. ok i didn't want to ask this but the lads wanted me to so here goes. are you a gender cuck?" and waluigi said "what the fuck is a gender cuck" and bowser said "somebody cucked by meme genders. you know, like apache attack helicopters and people identifying as doors" and waluigi sighed and he punched bowser in the face because he didn't want to have to bother answering him. bowser was out cold. waluigi walked out.

as he was walking out of the castle, thwompus screamed "SPAGHET SHIT! COMING BACK SO THAT THWOMPUS CAN THWOMP YOUR PUNY ASS, ARE YOU? MAYBE PURPLE SPAGHETTI MAN ISN'T AS COWARDLY SPAGHET AS THWOMPUS THOUGHT. IT WILL BE A FAIR FIGHT. COME MEET YOUR MAKER IN A BATTLE AGAINST THWOMPUS. THWOMPUS WILL ONLY HURT YOU A LOT. PURPLE SPAGHET'S MONKEY HAS POKE THWOMPUS MUCH AND NOW THWOMPUS'S FURY IS GREAT" and waluigi said "nope, i'm leaving" and donkey kong looked at waluigi and then back at thwompus and then back at waluigi and looked disappointed and waluigi said "i do NOT have time for this fucking concrete asshole" and donkey kong sighed dejectedly and then thwompus began vibrating extremely quickly and he started becoming beet red and he screamed "YOU INSULT THWOMPUS FOR THE LAST TIME! THWOMPUS MAKE YOUR PANCREAS UNDERSTAND THWOMP PHILOSOPHY! THWOMP PHILOSOPHY IS THOWMP AND SIMPLE! TO THWOMP OR NOT TO THWOMP: ALWAYS THWOMP! THWOMPUS GET A MASTERS DEGREE IN THWOMP PHILOSOPHY IN THWOMP COLLEGE! THWOMPUS ENGAGE FINAL THWOMPING FORM!" and thwompus began shaking even faster, almost convulsing, and two extremely muscular arms burst out of the sides of his rocky body and two giant, extremely chiseled legs popped out of his lower half (butt? did he have a butt?) and thwompus roared and waluigi said "do you have a butt?"

thwompus turned around and smacked his deliciously soft, baby smooth, raw buttcheeks. they clapped, releasing a shockwave that sent ripples through the castle. waluigi said "nice legs. do you have functioning genitalia?" and thwompus screamed "THWOMPUS ONLY HAS FERTILE CLOACA! THWOMPUS KIND IS DISTANT RELATIVE OF THE CHICKEN" and waluigi said "can you make eggs" and thwompus roared and he said "THWOMPUS MAKE EGG... OUT OF PURPLE SPAGHET! DIE, SPAGHET!" and he began picking up pieces of rubble at hyper speed and piecing them together, so quickly that waluigi couldn't tell what he was doing or what he was forming them into, and then he revealed a statue of himself, dabbing, and he threw the statue at waluigi, and waluigi tried to dodge but the statue homed in on him and crashed into him, sending him flying into a wall. meanwhile, donkey kong crept up behind thwompus and he used his final smash, except instead of drums he began clapping thwompus's asscheeks and as waluigi recovered from the attack he looked up to see an aura of sheer musical energy radiating from thwompus as donkey kong clapped his asscheeks and for a moment he was enraptured in the spectacle, only for a moment, then the moment was gone. donkey kong's final smash ended and thwompus collapsed to the floor, but he wasn't done yet. thwompus began vibrating again and screaming, and he hovered up above the ground, and he screamed "PURPLE SPAGHET AND APE INSULT THWOMPUS FOR THE LAST TIME! SPAGHET MAN WANTS TO SEE ASSCHEEKS CLAP? THE NEXT TIME ASSCHEEKS CLAP THIS HARD, IT WILL DESTROY HALF OF KNOWN UNIVERSE! THWOMPUS TIME!" and he began vibrating and his asscheeks began bulging and expanding and his fingers turned into new arms and his actual arms began beefing up and each new finger arm had hands and his legs began separating at the knee until he almost looked like a centipede. thwompus screamed "THWOMPUS FINAL FINAL FORM! PREPARE FOR THWOMP! THIS NOT TAUGHT AT THWOMP COLLEGE! THWOMPUS OWN SPECIAL TECHNIQUE" and he prepated to clap his asscheeks but then waluigi walked up to him and he pulled his right arm off and thwompus screamed in agony and then waluigi pulled off thwompus's legs, and then his other arm, and thwompus screamed "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? THWOMPUS TRIED SO HARD TO SUCCEED AT DEAD END JOB WITH NO CAREER ADVANCEMENT OPPORTUNITIES! THWOMPUS EVEN GROW LIMBS TO COMBAT PURPLE SPAGHET" and waluigi turned thwompus around and pulled off his asscheeks and he left thwompus face down and thwompus was screaming but it was muffled by the floor and waluigi wipedh is hands clean of thwomp ass. "waane more kill to the killboard" and thwompus screamed because he wasn't dead but waluigi couldn't make out his words. waluigi and donkey kong walked out of the castle walls. they had beaten thwompus. now they would travel to the vatican.

so waluigi and donkey kong set out through the bowser shantytown and the air was hazy with smoke and waluigi was pretty sure that the denizens of the shantytown were going to start dying off soon if they hadn't already. he wasn't quite sure how long he'd been passed out for. long enough to become a fucking zombie, apparently, though that may have been a result of him dying, like some kind of god-tier mechanism where upon death he just revives. maybe the zombie virus was dormant in him because of his superior waluigi immune system but it took over as soon as he died. waluigi shrugged. some things were just not for him to know. plus, being undead was pretty fucking cool. he could probably spread his curse by biting people now, like a cooler vampire. waluigi turned around to donkey kong and he said "aren't zombies basically just cooler vampires? waa needs your opinion" and donkey kong made a thumbs up sign and waluigi assumed he was saying yes but honestly he didn't even know if this literal ape had any idea what he was saying. donkey kong hollered soothingly. waluigi wasn't sure if he really looked that distraught or if he was just emitting some kind of weird undead hormone that was triggering donkey kong's senses and triggering a kneejerk gentle hollering response. how the fuck do you even holler gently? it's like pronouncing an emoji without just spelling out the individual grammatical pieces that made up the emoji. it's infathomable. and yet waluigi had just heard the gentlest holler a bitch's ears could have the good fortune of hearing.

waluigi walked out of the bowser shantytown. more like the bowser graveyard. a half dozen cyclops were romping through the extensive tarzanoad forests, roaring and fighting at the tarzanoad defense force that had mobilized to take them down. tens of thousands of tarzanoads were scaling the cyclopses and cutting out small sections of their skin with power saws and laser cutters. waluigi waa'd. what a sight. the cyclopses were trying to wipe the tarzanoads off themselves but the tarzanoads scaled them like ant lightning. one of the cyclops fell, and in its falling probably caused more damage than it ever would have with its feet, for it lasted straight on top of a tarzanoad city. the tarzanoad army had started to recover from the rifts and was fighting off the helicopters and tanks, but they were no longer aggressively marching, for waaluiette was dead, and waluigi was likely assumed dead as well. and they weren't wrong. waluigi began walking down the road that led towards the mushroom kingdom. there was fire and warfare all around him, but nobody noticed the lone ape and his purple companion. they should have, since waluigi was one of their prime targets, but they didn't. they'd walk halfway down the road and take a turn through the bigly boo forest and towards cheep cheep beach. they were going to have to get to the vatican, which wouldn't have been such a big deal if they didn't have to cross an ocean filled with murderous cheep cheeps and didn't have a boat. though waluigi could easily build a boat himself, so that was one solution done with.

waluigi walked through the forest, slowly, with determination, stopping here and there to punch wood into 64 stacks of woodlets. it was time consuming, but these were the building blocks of salvation. the lego of passage to the vatican. the mega bloks of finding a way to kill himself. et cetera. he crafted a bunch of boats. waluigi turned donkey kong and said "i don't know if you can understand common, so if you don't, you'll probably drown. waa. the seas between us and the vatican are perilous, and we'll likely have our vessel destroyed by cheep cheeps as soon as we set sail. so i've made 64 boats. as soon as a boat goes down, we're going to place down another boat and jump into it and go as fast as we can. if you can't understand common, then i guess you're waa'd." and waluigi walked out of the forest onto the beach and he saw a ton of dead cheep cheeps on the beach and waluigi said "what the fuck happened here? whatever" and a toad with a pair of binoculars was sitting in a beach chair looking out on the sea and talking into a radio and waluigi walked over to him and he said "what the fuck happened to all the cheep cheeps" and the toad "oh hey bruh! nothing much, y'know? just, like, nuclear decontamination of the ocean. cheep cheeps have been deemed a threat to toadsworth prime affairs, so we're using nukes to purify the ocean. it's a ripping good time. i get to sit here, sip lattes, and call nuclear strikes" and waluigi had an idea and he punched the toad and he looked through the binoculars and he had no idea how to coordinate a strike so he looked through the toad's clothes and he found a book called "nuclear airstrikes for dummies"

so waluigi sat down with the book and read it in a half hour and he sat on the lawn chair and he used the binoculars for a few minutes and estimated the position of toadsworth prime and he turned his hand radio on and he said "heyyyyy sorry, got knocked out by a stray cheep cheep. waa." and the airstrike operator said "agent cheepcheepovich, you are uncompromised? if you had come back a minute later i would have had to call the plug and call an alpha protocol team to sweep the area." and waluigi said "no it's good, i just briefly was knocked unconscious. i've got another airstrike to call" and the operator waited a minute and then he said "well? agent cheepcheepovich, is your head not working after the collision?" and waluigi said "no" and then he listed out the coordinates for toadsworth prime and the operator said "roger roger" and a minute passed and the operator said "AGENT CHEEPCHEEPOVICH!!! THESE ARE THE COORDINATES FOR TOADSWORTH PRIME!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" and waluigi said "cheepcheepovich's dead, baby. cheepcheepovich's dead. you're in waluigi town now. waahahahahahahaha!" and he crushed the radio under his boot as he saw a mushroom cloud emerge from the distance. at the very least, toadsworth prime would not be recovering anytime soon. so waluigi set his first boat on the sea and he jumped into it, and donkey kong followed, which was almost enough weight to sink the whole thing. they moved incredibly slowly. due to the nuclear fishing, there weren't quite as many cheep cheeps as expected, so they only occasionally had to replace boats, but they were running mighty low by the third day on the sea. unfortunately, you could only row so fast, and although waluigi was rowing INCREDIBLY fast, almost fast enough to make up for the fact that he was in a rowboat, he was still far away from vatican city. he was on his last few rowboats by the time the vatican city came into sight. waluigi would have probably died of thirst at this point if he wasn't a zombie. donkey kong had stuffed a conveniently large stash of caprisuns up his monkey asshole, and so he had something to sip on whenever thirst came. the smoke had begun to clear but donkey kong still elected to wear his shitty gas mask constantly, possibly as a stylistic choice.

when they rowed up to the shore of vatican city, the place looked like a ghost time. an extravagant ghost town that clearly had more than its fair share of the planet's wealth. but there was no welcoming party, not even guards at the gate. waluigi walked up the shore and found a pair of swimming trunks but thought nothing of it. he continued walking up the beach. when he got to the gates of vatican city, the gates were slightly ajar. when he walked out, there were no more people than there were outside - there was absolutely fucking nobody. everybody was gone. whatever had happened here had clearly been incredibly sinister and all-compassing, given that even ghost wario had disappeared here, if bowser were to be believed. whatever happened though, it must have been something either supernatural or ground-level, because there was no structural damage whatsoever. besides settled dust on doorsteps and inside of the walled city, everything was absolutely pristine. waluigi turned to donkey kong and he said "is it just me or is this fucking creepy?" and donkey kong shrugged. waluigi kept walking through the city. most of the buildings were fairly generic, the only difference really being material - brick, platinum, or gold. possibly a status symbol? waluigi tried to breathe in, but his lungs were nonfunctional. he realized that this made absolutely no sense since even if he was possesesd by some virus, his vital organs would still need to work in order to provide the energy required for his body to move and function, and yet somehow he was moving. zombie magic is a powerful fucking thing.

in the middle of vatican city there was a single tower, made of pure gold and arrayed with diamond stripes. this was clearly a house belonging to somebody of extreme avarice. the letter W hung at the top of the tower. it seemed that wario was, indeed, in charge of this ridiculous religious island, most likely a farce like his church in waluigi's home timeline's mushroom kingdom. waluigi opened the doors. a speaker chimed. "welcome to wehtican tower! may you bless wario, our greatest of shepherds, the prince of avarice, the pauper's respite. deposit your daily tithe in the mailbox to the left. all other inquiries may be taken to the receptionist" and waluigi walked forward but, as expected, there was no receptionist. a thick layer of dust coated everything inside the building. waluigi shuddered. donkey kong booed sympathetically. waluigi thought donkey kong was much creepier than this whole thing but didn't want to say anything since the ape seemed to at least be fairly well intentioned, if a bit on the dull side. waluigi walked to the left of the receptionist, into a doorway. the doorway led to a hallway filled with elevators. clearly, this was expected to be a busy enterprise. waluigi and donkey kong went into the nearest elevator and waluigi pressed the up button. gentle elevator music played, except every ten seconds or so it was interrupted by a harsh "WEH!" wario had never had a singing voice and he wasn't sure why he was so intent on proving the fact. waluigi shrugged. he had always been a shitty excuse for an older brother.

when the elevator reached the top, the doors opened with a neat "ding!". a voice played "please leave. if you occupy the elevator for longer than needed, you will be subjected to a heavy fine upon penalty of excommunication. excommunication is death. WEH!" the voices were always that of some gentle woman, and wario's voice was a harsh cut-off to what could have otherwise been acoustically soothing. waluigi walked out into another hallway. signs pointed to individual rooms, filtered out alphabetically. apparently, people would have to go to individual rooms based on the first letter of their first names. waluigi shrugged. he walked all the way out, to the exit. he was standing on a balcony overlooking the city. there were staircases leading around the side of the tower, so he walked up the left one, with donkey kong following tightly behind. donkey kong poked waluigi's back and waluigi looked back and donkey kong was holding up his notebook and there was a picture of him fellating a banana and waluigi shook his head and he said "monkies these days" and he kept walking, but donkey kong was sad because he didn't want to fellate a banana, he wanted to eat a banana. he was hungry.

waluigi walked up the staircase. it led up to an empty rooftop. he saw a figure standing there, with a cape behind him, a light yellow energy radiating from him. waluigi walked up to him. the figure turned around. it was pope ghost wario, and he was, indeed, a ghost. his eyes glowed with a hollow radiance. but he wasn't wearing his pope hat. he unbuttoned his cape and let it fly away into the wind. wario screamed "WEH! little brother! you thought you could defeat me, but you only gave me the means to exact my revenge upon you!" and waluigi said "what the fuck? i killed you. did you just come back from hell?" and wario said "no! i was in hell, yes, and i suffered! and so i turned hell into my very own capitalist utopia, and for a while, all was good! weh! i had all the garlic i could eat, and my asshole was wiped by the most luxurious of toilet paper. i had many maidens employed solely to be there to sniff my farts, and then compliment me on the luxury of their smell. weh. a perilous occupation, that, but when you have a monopoly on money, people will do anything to serve you. even sniff your farts. eventually, i had a temporary psychotic episode where i thought that money was meaningless, and i hired numerous mystics to teach me enlightenment. they taught me, and i learned. and then i realized that concrete spirituality is a stupid myth. WEH! i could have both greed, and personal fulfillment! the strength of this realization was so powerful that it made me almost a god. i was put into a trance where i saw god himself, and we spoke. and what a conversation it was! i asked for only one thing."

and waluigi said "what was that?" and wario said "a weapon with which to destroy you! weheheheheheheh!" and waluigi said "what?" and wario pilled out a little pistol and he aimed it waluigi and wario said "this weapon was supercharged with the power of pure money! it can fire only one shot, but that shot will permanently erase you from the timeline! no resurrections! no rescues! just NOTHINGNESS! that is the fate you deserve, dearrrr brother! you do not belong in this time! you are an interloper! weh! the real waluigi transitioned and is an anarchist deconstructing toadsworth prime! weh!" and he fired the shot and for a moment, time seemed to slow. waluigi eyed the bullet casually. he wasn't afraid of death.

then he heard a screeching. donkey kong's fat hands pushed waluigi to the side, and waluigi toppled to the ground. he looked up, and the bullet passed through donkey kong's stomach, and just like that, donkey kong glowed with purple energy and his form dissipated and flew into the sky. waluigi looked at wario and screamed "YOU KILLED MY FUCKING MONKEY! i mean, i didn't really give a shit about him, waa, but it turned out that he was actually willing to sacrifice his life for waa and that's a pretty fucking major sign of allegiance, so F U C K you, you stupid, tiny little ecto-capitalist!" and waluigi got up and he rushed at ghost wario and ghost wario screamed "I'M A FUCKING GHOST, BITCH" but waluigi would have none of it. he flew through ghost wario and the next thing he knew, he was plummeting towards the ground at breakneck speeds. he looked up, and the last thing he saw before hitting the ground was ghost wario bending over and puffing out a little ghost fart. wario's farts were so thick that even as a ghost, they were visible to the naked eye. waluigi screamed out in anger. he hit the road and flattened out like a pancake, but his cells began regenerating.

a few hours later, he got up. donkey kong was dead, he had absolutely no lead as to the holy water, and apparently his dead brother had become some kind of metaphysical ghost after getting into direct contact with FUCKING GOD. apparently god was real? checkmate atheists.

waluigi waa'ed. this was more than he wanted to handle. what a massive fucking pain in the ass.


	34. life unto death; death unto undeath

so waluigi walked back into the vatican's central tower once more. there had to be some kind of library somewhere around here. or at least some kind of research regarding the holy water, which would finally grant him the gift of death and let him go back to hell and find his literal female self, who was basically just himself with minor alterations to the timeline? bizarre. there was also the vested guilt in the fact that by mentioning gender to waaluiette's adopted parents he accidentally impressed upon her that she was supposed to be femme aligned, when really he had no idea whatsoever as to what the confusing void that made up his gender identity entailed and he really shouldn't have accidentally been giving somebody else ideas about their gender, even though that person was actually him, though she seemed to be fine with it.

waluigi shrugged. he looked around. he couldn't see any doors labeled 'library' or anything similar, so he walked over to the receptionist's desk and he looked behind and there was a note. it was about cum stains on the desk. apparently the receptionist had been jerking off. waluigi decided to glance over the note. upon reading it, it turned out that it wasn't the receptionist that had been jerking off. pope ghost wario had been roleplaying as a horny receptionist and hiring catholic men to engage in fake business while he jerked off behind the receptionist's desk, and pope ghost wario was paying the receptionist a miniscule amount of popecoin - pope ghost wario's personal cryptocurrency and the national standard for vatican island - as hush money. the next chronological note warned of a pay cut, which suspiciously amounted to the sum of hush money paid out. the next few notes were angry death threats that demanded that the receptionist not quit their job. the next note was a note to a replacement receptionist about blood stains on the desk being the result of an unfortunate visit from a rabid puppy. waluigi kept flipping through the notes. they were a reckless display of pope wario's avarice and sheer bullshittery. the next note had a cum stain on it. the next note apologized for "misfire" and had a miniscule bribe. a voucher for 10% off your next pizza at vatical island pope ghost wario party pizza. 

at the bottom of a stack was a reminder about saint paul's flask. the last vial of holy water. there was some mention of a vatican island library and there being a book there that would help decipher its location. waluigi found that there was another note underneath it. it mentioned some restructuring -

"a loud weh! to you, my friends in Vatican island city! The great weh who wehs for you all has come to a deal with the mighty and prosperous Toadsworth kingdom. do not be alarmed at the liberation forces coming to liberate some of you from your great city! You will be returned if you are not needed, and all will be well. but that is unlikely. and do not believe the naysayers, those who would say "waa"! for they are opposed to the great weh, and will not see the kingdom of weh when it comes to descend upon this wicked planet. These are not death squads. These are professionals here for your own protection and betterment. do not listen to those who claim that we were paid a large sum of money to sell ourselves out. for it is true - but we do not need a large sum to sell out our precious flock. we would sell ourselves out for very little, and as so, weh! why would we charge much for people we would sell for little? These spicy liberals' views are not backed in fact, but in feelings. They are agents of disaster, and must be treated as such, lest our great kingdom suffer. if the kingdom of weh suffers, nobody will see weh. we must all contribute to the greater good of weh. once the final plan of the plan has been carried out, the great Pope ghost wario will unleash the final weh, and crucify waa once and for all with the bullet That came from above, the weapon granted by g.o.d. himself to the agent of his choosing, wario, our chosen king. then the great holy water will be obtained, and it will be then that the kingdom of weh makes itself known upon this fine planet. The times of revelations have started - fear the anti-christ- he who walks with waa, for he wishes to oppress you. Pope ghost wario is here only to protect his sheep. Peace and good weh! to all." 

waluigi groaned. it seemed wario had made some kind of agreement with Toadsworth Prime in exchange for its citizenry. how absolutely fucking vile. no doubt they were used as test subjects for something or the other, or simply abducted as a threat to Toadsworth's idealistic fascism. it didn't really matter, either way. waluigi needed to get to the Vatican island city library and find whatever book it was that was going to bring him one waluigi-sized dose of holy water. he felt a hand tapping him on the shoulder. he turned around. there was nobody there. then he felt it on his other shoulder. he turned around again. again, nothing. he turned around, and he saw Pope ghost wario standing in front of him. waluigi said "what the fuck do you want, you pretentious little asshole" and Pope ghost wario said "weh! i hope you enjoy your immediate demise! Since you so artfully used your monkey as a meat shield, i have bought a bunch of regUlar bullets! and now i will throw them at you until you die! weheheheheheheheh!" and then he threw all the bullets at waluigi and they dropped to the floor and waluigi said "what the fuck was that supposed to do? you need to shoot bullets out of a gun you fucking imbecile" and ghost pope wario threw more at him and waluigi tried to kick ghost pope wario in the nuts but his foot phased through him and waluigi said "what the fuck?" and ghost pope wario said "you're a zombie, and i'm a fucking ghost! welcome to the new reality, dearest sibling of mine. the one where you die" and waluigi said "i'm a zombie. you can't kill me without holy water" and wario said "weh! why do you think i was looking for holy water to begin with? that was my contingency plan for if you survived god's weapon! if i can't banish you from all reality, i'll send you to hell. weh!" and waluigi said "looking? you don't have it? but i saw a picture of you with holy water" and ghost pope wario said "that was a fake. to draw out whoever was in possession of the REAL holy water. but there was no luck, which means that nobody has the holy water. it's probably stashed in some cellar forgotten away. and nobody will ever find it! weheheheheh!" and waluigi said "i guess you can't kill me, then, cause i'm a fucking zombie" and ghost pope wario thought for a few minutes and then he phased away. waluigi cursed. he needed to figure out where the fucking holy water was. otherwise ghost pope wario was going to find it first and...

waluigi realized it didn't actually matter. if ghost pope wario was going to track it down for him he didn't need to find it himself, which was incredibly relieving. he could just fuck around.

the problem was that he was stuck on goddamn vatican island city. there wasn't a fun thing to do here. may as well give ghost pope wario a run for his money. and try and find that book before he did. i mean, after all, it's not like he had anything more fun to do. plus, it'd be satisfying to kill himself as opposed to letting ghost pope wario kill him. waluigi walked out of the central tower and back into the dusty, vacant streets. the problem was, he had no fucking idea where the library was. he began walking from building to building, looking for the library, but every single building was a house. there didn't seem to be a single fucking store or otherwise non-residence. knowing wario there was probably some sort of company store with a monopoly on commerce, hence the lack of any sort of stores. and knowing wario, it would be absolutely barebones, with nothing except the essentials at starvation prices. waluigi kept searching. this went on for hours. this was even more boring than masturbating in the corner would be, which was what he had been planning to do. luckily, wario was likely as clueless as he was. it was unlikely that wario even knew what the city was like. he didn't get involved in anything that didn't bring him profit, and he didn't work on his own when unnecessary, so most likely he was completely ignorant.

waluigi kept walking. he was about ready to give up and wait for ghost pope wario to find him. he had just started turning around when he saw a tiny little shack titled 'library'. the door was falling off. waluigi kicked the door down and rolled through the doorway. there were a few dusty books sitting on a single shelf. wario was cheap, but this was fucking ridiculous. then again, he sold off the entire populace to toadsworth prime, so perhaps being killed by his own adult sibling as a child messed him up even more than the wario in waluigi's timeline. which seemed extremely obvious, now that he had time to think about it. waluigi thought sending wario to hell would be enough to fix things but clearly it only made things get worse. much worse. but at the very least now he was the means to getting him sent down to hell, though he wouldn't need to go to hell to rescue waaluiette if not for the fact that he had fucked up the timeline like he had to begin with. 

ghost pope wario phased into the shack. wario screamed "weh! what the fuck are you doing here? who tipped you off as to my master plan? you weren't supposed to follow me!" and waluigi said "i didn't fucking follow you, asswipe, i just looked for the fucking library, and whoop dee doo, here i fucking am. in the library. amazing. where the fuck were YOU?" and ghost pope wario said "i was eating donuts with toadsworth! weh. the man has an eye for business. but not as much as me! he thinks he's exploiting my people, but he doesn't realize that i have no concern whatsoever for my people and am only interested in the only thing that can save you from bankruptcy: whatever the currently accepted currency is!" and waluigi said "currency will be meaningless once the apocalypse happens. and from the looks of it, the apocalypse is already happening. there's fucking portals bringing cyclopses down and clone armies. do you think toadsworth prime's slave state is going to have need for currency? all your savings will be fucking USELESS in the near future" and ghost pope wario said "that's not a certain future so you can't be sure of it. weh! it's best to be prepared for all possible outcomes" and waluigi said "you should be prepared for the most likely outcome and rally against the toadsworth empire instead of helping them achieve world domination. waa. look at how easily your dumb ass sold off your entire fucking city." and wario screamed "weh!!! i sold them off for a VERY good price" and waluigi said "who cares?? toadsworth is using you like the pathetic capitalist cocksleeve that you are, you shitty little whiny child." and wario said "weh! you are wrong again, as you are always wrong! you are naturally wrong! weh! at the end of the day, the great wario is always the exploiter. wario? exploited? that's aboslutely fucking impossible. i am the literal manifestation of the spirit of awehrice!" and waluigi said "you're a literal fucking idiot." and waluigi took the nearest book, scanned it, realized it wasn't about the holy water, then threw it away. ghost pope wario screamed "that was my map to the uncharted holy grail of greed, sipped by god himself as he scammed some poor sucker out of his powers?" and waluigi said "don't give a fuck" and then he took the next book and it was labeled "holy water" and waluigi said "alright, cool, this is my book. waa!" and then he punched ghost pope wario in the face and ghost pope wario phased out and then he phased in behind waluigi and ghost pope wario said "i'm right here, sucker! you can't kill a ghost unless you use the proper means of ecto-dispersal. weh!" and waluigi dashed out of the library, knowing that wario wouldn't bother chasing after him. waluigi wasn't sure why he bothered stealing these files to begin with. 

waluigi opened up the book. apparently the holy water was located on yoshi island. great. waluigi imagined toadsworth prime had somehow sunk its roots into its development. if it hadn't outright exterminated it and subjugated its population, since apparently toadsworth was quite fond of all that. waluigi sighed and began walking back towards the vatican island city beach. as he was walking, he began to hear footsteps following him. he looked back. there was nobody there. it was probably his asshole fucking brother again. waluigi kept walking. the footsteps were still there. he pretended that nothing was happening and then jumped around, facing backwards. he still couldn't see anybody. waluigi screamed "wario you little FUCKING shit get the fuck back here so i can fist your ghosty asshole in an entirely incestuous way. waatherfucker" 

he waited, for a few minutes. there was absolutely nothing. he began walking again. then he felt another tap on his shoulder. waluigi ignored it. he kept walking. there was nothing more as he walked out of the city, through the gates and towards the beach. nothing had changed since he had entered the city, which made sense, for he was not there long, but he half expected there to be some kind of ambush. clearly toadsworth assumed him dead after the crash. 

as he approached the beach, he heard words in his ear.

"hey."  
"ever used peanut butter as lube?"  
"well."  
"it's a chunky time."  
"i'm chunky kong."

he turned around and he saw the brief outline of donkey kong fading itno nothingness. but that was impossible. unless wario had been lying and that bullet hadn't actually been quite as permanent as he was led to beleive. 

waluigi sighed. whoever the fuck this chunky kong was, he kept intervening in his affairs. and waluigi didn't like that. waluigi, first and foremost, wanted to be in control of his life, and this mystical fuckass who was probably a monkey wasn't helping with anything. and apparently there was an actual god unless wario was just talking to a minor deity or some swindler. in which case donkey kong might not have been actually destroyed, hence the ghost. although with how completely donkey kong was destroyed, it was clearly not a simple weapon, but considering he was now in a high tech dystopia, it wouldn't be surprising if you could disguise high powered weaponry as a pistol. not surprising at all. still, it would take something else to eliminate somebody from relaity itself. the fact that he saw donkey kong's ghost indicated that it may just not have worked at all. or at least not enough to matter. maybe it just phased him out of this reality, but not completely, hence the after-image?

waluigi shrugged. waluigi kept walking. suddenly, a package dropped out of the sky and hit him straight on the head. he dropped to the ground, his vision briefly fading to black, and when he got up he screamed at the sky and looked around to see what had knocked him down. he looked at the box and he opened it up and inside was a bunch of square rocks, a dusty tome, and a note. he read the note out loud

"DEAR WALUIGI ALSO KNOWN AS PURPLE SPAGHET. THIS IS THWOMPUS. UNITED STATES OF THWOMPUS PUTTING OUT SANCTION AGAINST PURPLE SPAGHET FOR CRIMES AGAINST THWOMPUS. PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR NOODLES FRIED. ATTACHED IS A BOOK THAT THWOMPUS PERSONALLY SELECTED TO PREPARE YOU FOR THWOMPUS WAR." and waluigi said "what the fuck"

he thre the note away and took out the book. it was a strange text, and it smelled curiously of asses. he shrugged off the initial suggestion and began reading a few pages in.

"Chapter Two: The flavor of a fart

The flavor of a fart is first and foremost its most important qualities. Battles have been won or lost solely because of the ecstatic saltiness (or lack thereof) of a commanding general's victory puff. It's the difference between a winner and a loser, a pauper and a capitalist; a butter knife and a steak knife. The flavor of a fart is the most important attribute to consider when embarking upon this journey of fartography. The gas you passively emit will define your unique stench. Your hormonal musk, be it masculine or feminine, will ride in a crib of gaseous excretion. In as much as a man's smell-taste is in his sweat, it is also in nature's cologne, the necessary backing for the subliminal suggestion that comes with a pheromone. The pheromone is the script, and the clinging fart gas is the music, the setting. It can make or break the pheromone.  
Leaders have been built entirely on cultivating the most unique and inspiring odor. The subliminal suggestion of one's farts makes the difference between being treated as a vagabond and royalty. People will be able to size up your potential character within moments of smelling you. While many people attempt to use artificial colognes and perfumes to mask their unique scent, that adds only a sense of illegitimacy to their character. One's true nature must not be expressed from a bottle of bile, but rather from the emissions of the butt.   
Now, how do you shape your unique flavor, you may ask? Diet, exercise, and supplements. There are numerous micro and macronutrients that will affect your gut flora so as to give you a more pleasant smell - certain combinations will add different aspects of personality to it, as needed, and you can find a brief starter guide at the end of this chapter."

waluigi threw the book on the ground. "waat in the FUCK did i just read. jesus fucking mother of hellchrist". he briefly glanced at the tome, then when he looked up, thwompus was standing in front of him. or resting? thwompus didn't have the limbs he had before. waluigi said "did you accidentally put the wrong book in the box or something" and thwompus said "THWOMPUS USE FARTING TEXT AS DISTRACTION FOR PURPLE SPAGHET. NOW PURPLE SPAGHET DIES" and waluigi said "actually that would be lovely, but unfortunately i can't die because i'm a zombie, so i need to find holy water" and thwompus said "NONSENSe. THWOMPUS KILL MANY SPAGHET, SOME ZOMBIE, SOME NOT ZOMBIE. THE UNITED STATES OF THWOMPUS ISSUE SANCTION AGAINST PURPLE SPAGHET FOR THWOMPUS CRIME." and waluigi said "no" and thwompus said "SPAGHET SHIT! ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY NO TO THWOMPUS!!!!" and waluigi walked past thwompus and thwompus began screaming and he began clapping his exposed asscheeks and waluigi slapped his ass as he walked by and thwompus fell face forward on the ground and waluigi said "later thwomp boy. get thwomped. waa"

then jesus appeared in front of waluigi and he said "come with me if you want to live"


End file.
